CRACKED ROUND-UP: Head Trauma Edition

We just had new sliding-glass doors installed in the office, which is proving to be a bit of a mistake. Apparently, our intern pool suffers from the same near-fatal issues that plague certain species of bird. Ah well, live and learn.

Gladstone made a brief, shining return this week with a guide to making a proper film for one of comics' most...unique characters. Soren was next with a shocking look into the world of gang life based almost entirely on his knowledge of West Side Story. Cody brought us a game tutorial for ChronoChores while Bucholz sought out the underground dance scene. Seanbaby wrote up some survival guides for wildly improbable situations while Dan applied the scientific method to his stand-up routine. We hope wherever he performs doesn't have an open bar, for their own safety.

FATAL FLAW

5 Real Historical Death Stars (Complete With Baffling Flaws) Since the events of Star Wars happened far in the past, we're the ones who are too stupid to learn from history.

Notable Comment:

"Ok, the obvious question should be, "WHAT KIND OF CRAPS WAS THAT GUY TAKING THAT HE NEEDED A MAN SIZED CHUTE!?"

We have two words for Iclalasari: Taco Tuesday.

MACHINE LIFE

5 Things That Are Being Automated (That Probably Shouldn't Be) The first smartphone that can perform a colonoscopy will come roughly six months before the end of all life on earth.

Notable Comment:"cats can get used too baths.you just have to get them used to water from a young age."

We've heard the same justification for child soldiers, shawntheprawn. You're still an awful human being.

ALIEN MYSTERY

5 UFO Sightings That Even Non-Crazy People Find Creepy The truth is out there. Or not. We really don't give a shit where the truth is as long as it stays the fuck away from our backyard.

Notable Comment:"What about when that UFO crashed in a Swedish harbor? I destroyed ships and the wreckage was never found. There were witnesses and even the government said it was an alien craft."

Yeah, but that was Sweden. Those starch-chugging sandal-munchers are about as trustworthy as Brockway after 9:30 AM. You'll have to do better than that, soasertus.

POOP PAINT

The 6 Most Horrifying Ingredients In Everyday Cosmetics True beauty is disgusting and smells like ass.

Notable Comment:

Listen folks, disgusting is a relative concept. Anyone who has traveled to the Third World (or the third floor restroom in the Cracked building) can vouch for that.

PARADE OF MEDIOCRITY

6 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved In Minutes But hey, the beauty of living (and horrific, galaxy-spanning wars) is in the journey.

Notable Comment:

"RIGHT, what about Lord of the Rings....Gandalf was friends with those Griffin/eagle things...why the f**k didnt he just keep the ring...whistle for one of the griffins, fly over mount Mordor and drop the f**ker in!! THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THE FAT ELF TO DIIIEEEEE!!! :'("

We don't want to sound like nerds here, coocoocuchoo, but we're pretty sure a few of those several-hundred-thousand orcs had bows and arrows. Also, that fat fuck Haldir deserved everything he got and more.

CODY JOHNSTON

Google Wave: A Pissed Off Tutorial You people are why we can't have nice things.

YOU YOU YOU!

Recruitment Posters For The Worst Jobs Ever We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Famous Characters When They Were Kids

8.12.10:

Last week they had a semicolon exhibition, but no one knew what to do with it.
by bcanders

Editor's pick:

Not paying attention, she walked right into this thing, hit her head, and slipped into a comma.
by GaseousClay

8.11.10:

Needless to say, the lawn sprinkler's manufacturer issued a massive recall.
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

Judging by his outfit, this act was not why he was known as "Flaming Wang".
by htotheizzo

8.10.10:

Ah, the good old days, when men were men and women were target practice...
by Backinblack

Editor's pick:

I went to Ancestry.com, clicked on a leaf... and found out things about my family that make me very uncomfortable.
by jtklove

8.09.10:

2 of the 3 people in this picture have a penis. Welcome to Japan
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

A mime is a wonderful thing to waste.
by Mothra24

8.08.10:

"Yeah, Sven thinks he can end the siege. He's bringing in somebody who has experience knocking down walls."
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

This is so historically inaccurate. Vikings never had horns on their helmets.
by HMS_Ford

8.07.10:

Dr. Manhattan's brother Mr. New Jersey always had a bit of a self-esteem problem
by tippy2k2

Editor's pick:

Later he found the always sexy number three. Together they multiplied and had some sweet dirty six.
by ThePoop

8.06.10:

She's cute but I'm more of a butt man.
by savinator

Editor's pick:

The Good Tumor Man
by Diasdiem