Tootsie Rolls Will Help You Kill a Bear
Let me interrupt this adventure right here to say I don't trust anyone who's excited that his name is Coon Tail Charlie, but more importantly, I don't trust anyone who lives in the woods. And this isn't an affectation I developed to look cool when I'm asked about people from the woods. Due to insane, sociophobic parents, I grew up on a goat farm in Eastern Oregon. One day my brother and I were walking through the woods behind our house when an old man burst from a log cabin with a shotgun screaming, "Get off my property!" We did, because we knew just enough about seven and 10 year-old children to know they weren't bullet proof.
Later, we learned that this old man travelled to town twice a year to buy canned goods and bleach. The bleach was to kill the germs on the food, no doubt put there by communists. My point is that people who live in the woods are crazy and think everything is trying to kill them. If one of them says a bear is a killer bear, you should remember that he also thinks the moon is plotting your murder and your pants are building a mind-control device on your balls.
It's true that no matter how many Tootsie Rolls you have, you should fear bears. They're nature's fish-slapping tanks; they're not going to clap for you while you tickle their belly. You should consider it a very polite gesture every time they don't tear you apart with their massive claws. However, if a bear is running away from a group of little kids and their magnificent man-baby troupe leader, the only thing it's ever going to kill is a bag of camper marshmallows.
There's no sport in killing an animal like that; that's the kind of bear they'll one day invent bear wheelchairs for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some animal rights activist. In fact, I firmly believe that once you're born without thumbs, fuck you and ride a little bike around until I'm tired of watching it. I'm just saying.
After all this, I still have no idea what Tootsie Rolls have to do with murdering bears. There was a tiny mention in the fourth panel about all the energy Tootsie Rolls can give you when you're poaching wildlife, but only as an afterthought. It was as if the writer had to quickly adapt his old script about killing bears to make his Tootsie Roll deadline. Also, what would you do if you were a park ranger this night? Say you drove up and saw Captain Tootsie and the Secret Legion raising cheers to Tootsie Rolls around the corpse of a bear they killed out of season and hung from a tree:
You wouldn't even wait to roll down the window before you opened fire.