Cracked columnist Seanbaby takes us back to a time when it was perfectly acceptable to let your toddler hunt man-eating wild animals and frolic through the flaming wreckage of a plane crash--possibly during the same camping trip. That's what these very real old-time comic book ads have led us to believe, anyway.
5Kids: Use Your Comic Book Prize to Fight Gorillas
That's right, kids: You can earn a rifle. A gorilla-killing rifle. Starting now, the rest of my life is narrowed down to two goals: Goal one is selling you some salve or whatever, and goal two is killing gorillas from the back of my live pony.
If you see anyone at any time doing anything else, that's not me. By the way, if there was really a zoo cool enough to leave the gorilla cages open and let little boys and girls come in fully armed, Mickey Mouse would have to give out free blowjobs to keep Disneyland from going bankrupt.
The fact that the gorilla immediately recognized the children's weapons means it's probably been shot many, many times.
4Children Can Survive Flaming Plane Wreckage With Tootsie Rolls
Meet Tootsie Roll mascot Captain Tootsie: the face of a baby with the body of a Nazi and bear-killing supermachine. His only weakness is that he needs Tootsie Rolls to accomplish any single thing he does.
Captain Tootsie woke up one morning and decided it was he and his candy's responsibility to teach the world about science, so he often ruined his adventures with educational bullshit. No kid reading a comic book ever said, "I can't wait to see how Batman is going to kill the giant squi- wait, what's this about Tootsie Rolls? And hold on, what's this now about radar?"
It required so many miracles of time, space and birth defects for a kid to finish reading a Captain Tootsie ad that it's no wonder that most of us grew up not knowing how important candy is in an emergency. It wasn't until the late 90s before 911 dispatchers were issued Tootsie Rolls, and did you know that some primitive countries still have their fire hydrants hooked up to water instead of delicious candy?
If I ever need to get rescued by a group of toddlers and a man with a yellow purse whose only extraction plan is to quickly eat Tootsie Rolls, just let me explode with the goddamn plane. Just take a look at the "Secret Legion" for a second:
The Secret Legion is three eight-year-olds, and one of them is fat. Why in the name of fuck would a rescue worker bring three second graders and a bag of candy to a downed plane? I'll tell you this: If Captain Tootsie isn't a pedophile, he has a lot of explaining to do.