5 Reasons Immortality Would be Worse than Death

#2. Time Speeds Up Until You're Insane

How many of you out there are old enough to notice time speeding up? For those of you who aren't, can you remember when you were a kid and the school year finally ended and the summer was about to begin? It seemed like you'd been waiting half your life for it, while at the exact same time your mom was going, "Gah! Summer is here ALREADY?! " The fact is your perception of time speeds up with age. It's just math.

Every year of your life seems shorter than the previous one since each passing year represents smaller and smaller portions of your life. It's the same reason a gift of a thousand bucks would be huge news to you, but meaningless to Bill Gates.

So when you're 100 years-old, a minute will seem six seconds long compared to a minute when you were 10. If you live for 1,000 years, a 50-year marriage spent with a woman for her entire adult life, will have the same significance to you as the girl you dated for a few years back in college. If you live for 100,000 years, she'd basically be the nameless chick you made out with at a Weezer concert.


"What was her name? Ah..."

Live to be a million, and people will seem to be just exploding in and out of existence around you, like a time lapse video of a mountain slowly eroding over eons while cities and nations appear and disappear around it, unnoticed. Entertainment will become a dull blur, as you see the same trends and ideas emerge, go out of style and then emerge again for a new generation who thinks they're brand new. You'll have the pleasure of seeing vampires go out of style, then become cool again in 2060, then 2150, then 2200, before you just stop going to the movies.

See, this is why Dr. Manhattan turned into such a dick in Watchmen. But it could be worse...

#1. You'll Eventually Get Trapped Somewhere (Forever)

We spend so much time being afraid of death that we forget the one, overwhelming benefit death offers every species: cutting short suffering. Obviously when we talk about immortality we're picturing always being young and healthy, not laying in a bed suffering from lung cancer forever and ever.

But it's a dangerous world out there, and any number of freak accidents could get you stuck somewhere, with no escape, for the rest of time.

Say an earthquake strikes the building that you're in, and it collapses while you're in the basement parking garage. You're pinned under a million tons of concrete and drywall. All you can do is wait for rescue. Only don't count on being rescued, because the people in charge of doing that tend to give up when shit gets too hard to dig through and they've pulled enough people out to say, "We tried."


"...Or we could just skip it and go straight to Chick-fil-A."

The only hope you might have is that when they build on the newly vacant spot a decade later, they might discover you along with other dead bodies while moving the rubble. But if the city of Savannah is any indication, people find it easier to just build on top of all the corpses instead of moving them somewhere else.

OK, but really what are the odds you'll be caught in an earthquake (or any other disaster of that nature)? Well, if you live forever, the odds are pretty much 100 percent. Unless the world ends before it has a chance to happen. So now instead of getting trapped in a building, you have to worry about being the lone survivor of a nuclear war, or a giant meteor strike, or another Ice Age, or collision with another planet, or the sun dying.


Or a giant [space] dog mistaking the planet for a meatball.

Even if you make it out unscathed, you're now alone. You'll be forced to live out your life slowly going crazy like a less awesome Will Smith without any zombies to shoot. You won't even have the dog.

And that's assuming the Earth stays intact. A comet could come smashing into the planet like the Kool-Aid Man and send you hurtling through infinite space. Best case scenario is you only float through the void for a few decades before you crash on Mars. At that point you're basically passing the time until intelligent life evolves there. You're going to get really good at making sand castles.


Now what?

So enjoy your life while you're alive. But if you run across the Holy Grail, don't drink from it. It's going to end badly.

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