3Sperm Motility Grade
What Does it Measure?
In courting a new potential mate, there comes a point at every date where you simply have nothing more to talk about. If you're a man, rather than sitting there in uncomfortable silence, now you can impress her with your in-depth knowledge of the Sperm Motility Grade scale!
It not only rates how effective your littlest troops are, but describes in specific detail exactly how they're going to storm her beaches. And if you're a woman, try quizzing him on his semen! Trust us: Asking a dude how well his littlest gentlemen get to work is a sure fire turn on.
"...And they each have a diamond-tipped drilling apparatus and NOS afterburners."
It's fairly straight forward: At the top of the class you have the eye-on-the-prize straight-line swimmers, somewhere in the middle are the drunk drivers, while at the bottom you have one slacker, a midget and a Sharktopus.
But perhaps even more strangely, according to the Sperm Motility Grade scale, the guys on Grade 2 may actually move backwards. It's one thing to not make the commute--we understand and sympathize with laziness--but when your sperm are actively fleeing the vagina, perhaps it's time for drastic measures. There's no shame in bringing your own funnel, gentlemen.
Or your own turkey baster.
2Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scale
What Does it Measure?
The Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scale measures how much pain the subject is in at the time of testing. And there's nothing inherently wrong with rating the level of discomfort a patient is feeling; that's an important diagnostic tool. Probably. It seems to us like pain, by its very nature, is a subjective thing that varies from person to person and by definition defies objective measurement. But, hey, we cry on waterslides and call our moms when we get sunburned; we're not exactly experts.
The thing that's so bizarre about the Wong-Baker scale is the execution. No Pain guy is spot on:
He's doing good. But then you have Mild Pain guy, who seems fairly stoked about his own suffering.
That expression doesn't say, "mild pain" to us. That says, "Hey, this episode of Burn Notice is actually pretty OK." Then there's the Moderate Pain twins, one of whom is waiting patiently for you to finish your anecdote about your cat and the other has just discovered he's out of Cheerios.
Severe Pain is only a bit sad, like he's just hit play on the TiVo a split second too soon and caught the end of that Sarah McLachlan commercial about homeless dogs...
...and Worst Pain Possible just watched Terms of Endearment alone with nobody to judge him.
Ostensibly, this scale is visual to overcome the language barrier, but if you've never seen this chart before and don't speak the language, you're going to be wondering why the doctor is asking you to indicate how much of a morning person you are while you've got this two by four lodged in your anus.