#3. William Penn Waves His Dick at Philadelphia
An enormous bronze colossus of Pennsylvania founder William Penn has stood atop the clock tower of Philadelphia City Hall since 1894. Although hard to discern from a lower angle, the statue itself is pretty tall. Standing at 37 feet, it remains the tallest statue atop a building anywhere in the world. So yeah, Philadelphians can always stoke that fire when their favorite sports teams let them down... at least until Dubai catches onto them.
What's another 38 feet?
Then again, their statue probably won't be sporting a hand-dick.
Leave it to Philadelphia to find a way to turn something the whole city should be proud of into a bottomless well of embarrassment.
Sculptor Alexander Milne Calder assumed everyone in the city would be viewing his statue from a low angle...
However, what he failed to consider was that most Philadelphians would be viewing the statue from any other angle than the base of City Hall. As long as you look at the statue from 1 Penn Square, all is cool. As for the rest of the city, the William Penn statue has become a bit of a running gag. Check out how the outstretched hand looks from prominent city locales such as JFK Plaza:
Yeah, he's got his dick out. And it's a considerable dick at that.
Though even if that enormous penis looming atop the city was an accident, it sure doesn't explain the look on William Penn's face.
This actually might be the least unsettling thing about Philadelphia.
All right, we promise that's the last hidden dick of the article.
#2. Rembrandt's Dick-Grabbing Shadow Hand
Wait, one more.
De Nachtwacht by Rembrandt is a masterpiece of countless hallmarks of the Baroque period, among them dramatic chiaroscuro effects, dim lighting and the most fabulous boot-stocking money could buy.
Wait a second... look up a few inches.
Because of the emphasis of lighting and shadows in Baroque art, stuff like this tends to get noticed...
Some dude's shadow is totally going for the junk-grab there. Scholars swear that this shadow is not an intentional dick joke on Rembrandt's part.
But still... it's a painting, not a photograph. How does something like that happen by accident? Rembrandt just randomly chose to have Captain Frans Banning Cocq (yes, Cocq) cast a shadow that totally makes it look like he's making a grab for Lieutenant so-and-so's McNuggets?
After all, light and shadow were everything in paintings like this. They could capture mood, evoke emotion or, in this case, denote strength, hope, victory, ugly women, dead chickens, camaraderie and bromance. However, none of these masterpieces of artistic endeavor change the fact that Captain Cocq totally looks like he plans on rounding third base on his first date with the Lieutenant.
#1. The Crazy Horse Memorial by Korczak Ziolkowski
Korczak Ziolkowski's enormous sculpture is supposed to depict a famous episode in Native American history when the Oglala Lakota warrior Crazy Horse was asked by a white man, "Where are your lands now?" Crazy Horse responded by pointing into the distance and adding somewhat tragically/badassily: "My lands are where my dead lie buried."
"...right under that hotel."
As Cracked has helpfully pointed out before, hand gestures do not mean the same thing from culture to culture. Depending on where you're standing, a thumbs-up can mean everything from "Good job!" to "This is going up your ass, whether you like it or not."
In India, it means "Refreshment."
Ziolkowski, for instance, portrays Crazy Horse pointing with his finger, which is about as dignified as if he was pointing to where his dead lie buried with his dick. Pointing with your finger is considered "rude and aggressive" across most Native American cultures. This complete lack of research into such a prominent landmark is yet another reason why groups like the Manataka American Indian Council compare the monument to George Washington "picking his nose" on Mount Rushmore.
Maybe if they'd built it facing D.C...
It only gets worse when you combine this with what we have pointed out before about the hypocrisy of the memorial (that is, to create it, they're destroying a mountain the Native Americans consider sacred). The whole thing is the equivalent of England digging up the Gettysburg National Cemetery to make room for a statue of George Washington giving America the finger.
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