#3. Shavo Odadjian's um...Chin Whip?
Kristi: I used to wear my hair like that when I was in eighth grade. But in the back. It was tight. Like, literally, tight. My hair was pulled so tight that I looked like a freckle-faced Asian. Can I make that joke? I don't know what's racist anymore so feel free to cut it.
Adam: If I cut all your racist jokes we'd have no article left. But we're getting off track here. What's really important is that I have no idea what this guy has sprouting from his chin. It looks like it should be detachable so he can use it to fight off would be attackers or discipline unruly children.
Kristi: If I had that face lash, I'd use it to stir my grits and cheese every morning at breakfast. It's a pretty sensible hairstyle, when you think about it. What other hairstyle on this list can be used as a jump rope for highly trained rats? Riddle me that.
Adam: Wait, are we assuming it's detachable? How would you reattach it? It's like a stinger! I wonder if he'd die if you removed it? That would rule.
#2. Bonnie "Prince" Billy
Kristi: What happened to this man's face? It's like Wilford Brimley and all the 70s Beach Boys set up a commune on the lower part of his head. I can't decide if I want to eat some oatmeal or take to my bed, inhale some fried chicken and acid, and generally let myself deteriorate to the point where a controversial psychologist is enlisted to take over my entire life and make me skinny again.
Adam: FINALLY! Someone on this list who can wear facial hair without looking weird about it. Christ almighty it looks like Rocky Dennis got a seal pregnant and that seal gave birth to this guy but didn't really pay him the attention that a mother seal should and now he's all resentful and shit and spends his days holed up in a cabin in the woods writing manifestos about the evils of technology when he's not recording ambient acoustic albums. And is he smiling?
Kristi: Oh, he's smiling. He's smiling right at me.
Adam: I can't tell, but he better not be. No way should a dude rocking a beard like that get to be happier than me. And I'm not smiling. So he damn well better not be either. Not that I would have any way of knowing.
Kristi: I just had to Google Rocky Dennis just now. You're a terrible person in every way.
#1. George Michael's Manscaped Goatee/Soul Patch Ensemble
Adam: Ladies, you know how you always say, "I don't want a man who spends more time in front of the mirror than I do?" Well, meet that man. He's George Michael, and he doesn't want you either.
Kristi: At least you know he cares, unlike Grizzly Adams up there. I wonder if he uses a stencil to get his lines so straight? Speaking of straight, it's crazy to think of now, but for years I was under the impression that George Michael was good looking. And straight. I was pretty sure he was straight, too.
Adam: And you're under the impression that he's not good looking now?
Adam: I agree he's not good looking. He's GREAT looking. Holy shit. I mean, I'm not saying I'd switch sides or anything. But in prison, maybe? All bets are off in prison. Just like when you're out of town or drunk or sure you won't get caught. There are no rules in any of those situations. Other than the rule that dictates that if you're going to wear a pink shirt and soft yellow fingerless gloves that you must be sure to properly manscape your eyebrows. I've no idea why he would choose to skirt that rule, but he is in that second picture there. But that's a discussion for another day.
Kristi: I think that you just spelled out George Michael's philosophy on sex, actually. Especially the part about bets being off when you're in public parks.
Adam: Did I say all bets were off in public parks? I don't think I did. But I totally meant to, so proceed.
Kristi: You were thinking it. His face reminds me of a Wooly Willy.
Kristi: Like, when you're too lazy to fill in all the skin, so you just make sad little magnet lines around his mouth, just to say that you tried. So, pretty much every time I did a Wooly Willy, it turned out like George Michael's ugly mug. I was a apathetic child.
Adam: Why did those things always have red noses? Were we supposed to be concocting some sort of clown with that toy? What kind of child molesting Eastern European nightmare clown has bushy black facial hair and no makeup? If that Wooly Willy had hands it would have a pack of M&M's in one and a huge rubber fist in the other. Or a bottle of sacrament wine maybe. And its cardboard packaging would be in the shape of a van. Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to play with Wooly Willy toys. You're just softening them up for potential predators.
Kristi: Those are the eagerest cartoon eyes I've seen this side of a Tex Avery cartoon. Here's a fun game: Imagine those exact eyes are behind these sunglasses:
Enjoy your sales boom, nightlight manufacturers!