4Scott Ian's Red Goatee
Adam: There is nothing about this facial hair fiasco that doesn't make me want to violently yank this dude to the ground. This must be the feeling a linebacker gets when he's chasing a running back with long stupid dreadlocks sticking out the back of his helmet. How could you resist? I don't think I could. I'm going to make a prediction right now: If I ever meet Scott Ian, I'm going to tackle him to the ground by the facial hair. And I concede that after pulling off this takedown I'd most assuredly be beaten within an inch of my life by angry roadies, but it would be worth it, though. So worth it. You know why?
Kristi: Because you like to wrestle boys?
Adam: Who doesn't? But also because this guy is a show off, that's why. And he can get away with it, because he's in a metal band. He's all "look at what I can do because I don't have a real job." This guy hates the little man, and he's mocking us with his shitty red goatee.
Kristi: I feel like he has a clown growing upside-down out of his face. The It clown. And I hate that clown. Like maybe he's going to open his mouth and bare 6,000 sharp little teeth that are going to claw out my soul and eat it. If I kept a dream diary it would be full of pictures of this clowngoat man gobbling my innards with his dagger teeth and then smirking about it. Like he's so cool. He's not so cool. He's a clowngoat.
Adam: Why would you post that picture? There could be kids reading.
3Shavo Odadjian's um...Chin Whip?
Kristi: I used to wear my hair like that when I was in eighth grade. But in the back. It was tight. Like, literally, tight. My hair was pulled so tight that I looked like a freckle-faced Asian. Can I make that joke? I don't know what's racist anymore so feel free to cut it.
Adam: If I cut all your racist jokes we'd have no article left. But we're getting off track here. What's really important is that I have no idea what this guy has sprouting from his chin. It looks like it should be detachable so he can use it to fight off would be attackers or discipline unruly children.
Kristi: If I had that face lash, I'd use it to stir my grits and cheese every morning at breakfast. It's a pretty sensible hairstyle, when you think about it. What other hairstyle on this list can be used as a jump rope for highly trained rats? Riddle me that.
Adam: Wait, are we assuming it's detachable? How would you reattach it? It's like a stinger! I wonder if he'd die if you removed it? That would rule.