CRACKED ROUND-UP: Out of Ideas Edition
Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with new ideas for the round-up every week? Not very. But we've been stretched pretty thin this week, cleaning up after Dan's failed cock-fighting/hair salon venture and trying to figure out where Brockway hid all of the keyboards*.
These guys did, and by reading Soren's article you can learn how to be just like them. If advice on fighting unholy animated toys is what you seek, Chris Bucholz has what you need. For variety's sake, Cody threw some Harry Potter slash fic up, while Robert Brockway spoilered some upcoming M. Night Sillyname flicks. Dan O'Brien closed us out with a list of six words he wants banned. Hey Dan? Moist Moist Moist Moist Moist.
|The 6 Most Surprising Ways Alcohol is Actually Good for You
Remember guys, there's a sweet spot between "life-long abstinence" and "death by cirrhosis at age 25".
"Number one is definitely only there to encourage insecure women to drink more and therefore get picked up by seedy men. "
epic_ellen, we really prefer the term "sketchy" to "seedy". The difference is primarily semantic, but it helps us feel better about ourselves when we're buying cases of beer for 18-year-old sorority girls with poor judgment and worse eyesight.
|5 World-Changing Decisions Made for Ridiculous Reasons
Re-read this article any time the world seems to make a little too much sense.
Notable Comment:"Figures that America as we know it was caused by beer."
To be honest, Necroskull, we're pretty sure that alcohol was involved in virtually every momentous decision in history.
|7 Terrifying Prehistoric Creatures (That Are Still Around)
Steven King, HP Lovecraft and a full vial of acid couldn't come up with a world more horrifying than the fucking ocean.
Notable Comment:"I love alligator gar! I seriously want to get a large pond for one or two of them. Pretty much everything on this list is something I'd want to keep as a pet or go swimming with."
In the coming war between Man and Sea, GrahamHunt will be one of the first against the wall.
|The 7 Most Insane Things Ever Done to Get Out of Something
Damn, folks. Since when is screaming yourself hoarse and then calling in with a flu not good enough?
Notable Comment: "If there weren't beautiful people, we wouldn't know what an ugly person would look like."
Wisdom from JimmyJohnson.
|5 People Who Turned Awful Disabilities Into Superpowers
So yeah. If you ever complain about anything ever again you are basically a gigantic pussy.
Notable Comment: "I find the idea of a woman attracted to a katana and a fighter jet to be possibly the most gratifying image my brain has ever thought about"
malachi has some strange preferences in his fantasy threesomes.
|Why Back To The Future is Secretly Horrifying
A new "thing" begins.
YOU YOU YOU!
|Horrible Fast Food Ideas (That Can't Be Too Far Off)
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Reality TV Shows We'd Actually Watch
Jim tearfully says good bye to his Pet Rock, which had finally grown too large for his apartment and had to be released back into the wild.
There's a better way to kill ants, but you can't tell Sven anything when he's drunk.
"Uh... you're 18, right?"
72 virgins and they're all police officers... that's just fucking great...
Not very aerodynamic. That's a lot of drag.
Amelia Earhart didn't die, we just kinda wish she did.
Brought to you by the letters W, T and F
Mr. Rogers performed the ceremony. It was beautiful.
With parents like these, I don't blame The Joker one bit
The most normal person in this picture is wearing nothing but his underwear, in the middle of a field.
I'll come back when the Pink Ranger is available.
Uh, I'd be sure to hang on to THAT receipt...
Why do I feel like having this picture on my computer is going to result in the feds smashing through my door
This is the only playground zone where cars are allowed to speed up