Cracked Round-Up: 8th Deadly Sin Edition

After hours of hard work and research, Cracked's finest Sin Scientists have managed to devise a whole new deadly sin. We're not ready to go public with our findings yet, but we can reveal that it involves several tubs of Crisco and no less than three baby pandas.

Soren Bowie whoopied it up with one of America's trampiest "celebrities" and started our week with a (highly disturbing) bang. Next up was Bucholz, with a guide to pulling off a Back to the Future hoax, followed by Brockway's latest drugged-up choose your own adventure story. Seanbaby collected some great tips for never getting laid again and Swaim capped things off with a mall guide for the post-pot prohibition world.

THE FUZZ

6 Completely Legal Ways Cops Can Screw You If you have a badge and gun you can pretty much do whatever you want. At least until footage of you tasing nine-year-olds gets its own YouTube mash-up (to the tune of Yakety Sax!)

Notable Comment: Are police officers gallant heroes or baby-murdering perverts with a taser fetish? Watch the debate play out over the course of hundreds of poorly spelled page-long comments!

STUPID HERO

The 9 Stupidest Superhero Secret Identities Narrowing it down to just 9 was the hard part.

Notable Comment: "Wait, you're seriously asking why you'd want to wear an eyepatch? Because f**k you, it's awesome, that's why."

TheHoodedMenace shares some wisdom with our readers.

CELEB-RETARDED

The 6 Most Misguided Causes Ever Made Famous by Celebrities Aside from saving billions of lives, how have vaccines ever benefited humanity?

Notable Comment: "Penis... penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis."

powertoole is a man of simple eloquence.

COCOA

5 Bitter Truths About Chocolate You will read every word of this article even though it will make you incredibly depressed. Such is the magic of Cracked.

Notable Comment: "Exactly. I haven't even heard about Hershey until two years ago. Also, I thought the biggest was Nestle, but whatever... "

Playbahnosh has been living under a rock for his entire life. Seriously, how do you go most of your life without ever hearing about Hershey? Are you allergic to gas stations or something?

BEST BUDS

The Horse Goes VRINSK! 6 Noises Foreign Languages Suck At Foreigners are a never-ending mine of comedy gold.

Notable Comment: "In Sinhalese, roosters go "fuku fuuk fuu". "

Wow, lulzrat! That's the same noise we make when we crack our shins on Jack's ankle-high glass coffee-table.

DOES NOT COMPUTE

Deconstructing The Most WTF Clip In Internet History God will punish us for exposing more people to this horror.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Movie Titles Were Honest We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Rejected Fast Food Ideas

7.16.10:

Get off, kid. I need to bury this.
by sdp0et

Editor's pick:

The playground at the gynecologist's office is inappropriate.
by yeahme

7.15.10:

You can't drop two atomic bombs on a country and not expect any side effects on its people.
by notsotinyTim

Editor's pick:

You never see old people in pictures of Japan. They're all inside, crying.
by Zombiecross

7.14.10:

Or, as Gary Busey would call it, Wednesday...
by Backinblack

Editor's pick:

I forget, when exactly did MTV stop playing music videos?
by FrankSterling

7.13.10:

Gradually, Jeff began to realize that this anti abortion rally was not worth getting laid
by explosivo714

Editor's pick:

And now we know stem cells can't grow talent.
by yungblud21

7.12.10:

If the exhibition lasts more than 4 hours, they should call a physician.
by jtklove

Editor's pick:

The aliens received all of our spam emails, and decided to take the form that most interested us for their visit.
by Julius_Goat

7.11.10:

One man's tragic divine punishment is another man's playground.
by yonks

Editor's pick:

Yeah, Titans don't skydive anymore.
by yungblud21

7.10.10:

"I'm from your HMO. You the guy with the blocked colon?"
by Redway

Editor's pick:

It didn't matter how many drills were attached to his body, Titanius still couldn't fill the hole in his heart
by MrMcStupid