Cracked Round-Up: Bi-Annual STD Screening Edition

We just had our second yearly office STD screening. Most companies don't care enough to invade their employee's privacy, but Cracked is different.

It's normal to wake up after a drug test with aching kidneys and strange scars, right?

Soren Bowie rocked the casbah with a history of failed American revolutions a day after celebrating the one that somehow worked. Next, Seanbaby wrote up a home-made fireworks guide guaranteed to turn your hands into hamburger. Brockway followed up with real-world gangs even more ridiculous than the Warriors.

HATE

6 Classics Despised By People Who Created Them Behind every great achievement is a bitter old coot who hates the world.

"hee hee .... "crotch trauma" ... too funny"

Mmmm..., it isn't funny when you're the one writhing on the ground, bleeding in spurts from the groin. .

VIOLENCE

The 6 Most Gigantic Everything In The History of War Somewhere, an engineer is sitting at his computer and going, "But what if they'd made the Gustav larger?

"Yeah, that's the thing about Nazis. Well... only one of the things, but the thing I'm talking about right now, that's what it is. They either built or wanted to build some awesome, totally crazy, ridiculous stuff. They wanted to build video game bosses."

LobsterMonster makes an interesting point. Someone should try making a video game with Nazi villains.

INACCURATE

6 Things From History Everyone Pictures Incorrectly Bullshit Velociraptors had feathers. Jurassic Park is the last word on paleontology we need.

"Chinesus! is hands down one of the most fun things to say out loud."

Champ is right. Try it. Over and over again, as loud as you can.

PELIGRO

The 9 Most Statistically Terrifying Days On The Calendar Well, this puts an end to our favorite Christmas tradition; getting hammered and wandering around on the street.

Notable Comment:

"Well, as the article said, and I've experienced many times, Wednesday is the furthest away from the weekend. So a Wednesday at work is like being stuck in Purgatory, any powers you got from the previous weekend already gone, and the next break being so far away... "

Wednesday morning is why we keep a bottle of Vodka in the desk.

FAILURE

The 6 Saddest Attempts to Follow Up Pop Culture Classics Daikatana is the game destroyed our childlike sense of innocence. It was straight to murdering kittens and stabbing police officers from there.

Notable Comment:

"The best contribution John Romero made to the industry was having Warren Spector found Ion Storm Austin - the good Ion Storm. Spector, of course, is known as the creator of System Shock, Thief, Deus Ex and generally not s**tting the bed as a game designer and studio head. "

There's no joke here, skim172 is right. Warren Spector is the shit.

CODY JOHNSTON

The Lohan Verdict With Subtitles: What Her Lawyer Said What a wuss.

YOU YOU YOU!

How We Really Spend Our Time: 13 Pie Graphs We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Summer Blockbuster Titles Were Truthful.

7.08.10:

The answer to whether Mr. Freeze's girlfriend spits or swallows.
by RodneyHardman

Editor's pick:

When this stops doing it for me, I'm really worried about the dark places my porn addiction will take me.
by yeahme

7.07.10:

Headline: Blueballs the Ride leaves another two customers unsatisfied, frustrated.
by sybo

Editor's pick:

"Oompah loompah doopity doo, I'm gonna make a porno with you."
by yeahme

7.06.10:

"Try and tip us up here, you fucking hicks!"
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

The First Church of Texas doesn't make any more sense than the rest of the state.
by jakflak

7.05.10:

You know what I hate most about mowing the lawn? The screams.
by bcanders

Editor's pick:

Never spread mulch on an Indian burial ground.
by Diasdiem

7.04.10:

It's a free country, but you get what you pay for.
by MSphinx

Editor's pick:

Happy Substance-dependence Day!
by savinator

7.03.10:

So what just because we're both glowing mannequins we must know each other?
by cthulud

Editor's pick:

This is one man you would want to run into in a dark alley.
by FrankSterling

7.02.10:

Kevin's therapist told him to embrace his fears. Unfortunately, his fear was soiling himself in public.
by LilMcGil

Editor's pick:

Randolf Sanderson, inventor of the expression "shit happens", died on Tuesday from an acute attack of irony.
by RodneyHardman