Day Three - In Which I Regret Ever Learning to Read
Having learned next to nothing after several hours spent celebrating the entire Bieber catalog, it's time to dive into the reading material. Here's what I found out, the results... probably won't shock you.
Right away, M brings the goods. Check it out.
Yep, it's an article all about what the kid's hair feels like. I'm already completely confident that I'd rather go back to listening to the albums including bonus tracks, studio outtakes and demos than to sift through this insanity. But I have a job to do. I'm here to find out everything I can about what the kids are into, and the kids are into Justin Bieber. And his fucking hair, apparently. By the way, sorry to keep you in suspense, the hair - it's soft. Take note for future reference.
M is proving to be ridiculously light in the way of information. But when it comes to fun, they know what people like! For example, check out this poster that allows you to fill in the talk bubble next to the Biebs head!
Pictured: Hours of fun.
I'm also treated to my first bit of real information on page 69 in the form of this chart that assures me that Justin Bieber is compatible with every chick that would ever purchase this magazine.
Judging from those results, I think I even have a shot with the kid. Don't tempt me with a good time, M!
Hopefully Bop will help get this teen pop education kicked into gear. Let's see what they have for me.
Right on, now we're learning some shit. For example, did you know Justin Bieber is a total fraud and Nick Cannon really needs a goddamn job?
If you're going to pass yourself off as a bowling pro, at least put your finger in the damn hole. Nobody bowls that way Bieber! FYI, telling a 16-year-old kid to "put their finger in the damn hole" is illegal in 38 states. The other 12, somehow, are all Alabama.
But the information really starts flowing with a section called "Justin A - Z." I've taken the liberty of summarizing some of the highlights. You're welcome.
Life Story Magazine
Life Story proved to be by far the biggest disappointment. It was mostly just a collection of all this same shit, except the entire magazine was dedicated strictly to Justin Bieber. So, basically, I could have saved myself 10 bucks and about two hours of reading and scanning by just buying that one. The rage now bubbling inside me at the realization that I'll never get this time back is only quelled by finding this picture, which strikes me as quite possibly the most adorable thing ever.
Presh. But I still have no clue what the kids see in this dude. Furthermore, I have no idea where to go from here.
Day Four - Your Soul is Mine, Bieber
No sooner than I find myself at a loss for how to go about really getting a feel for what it is about Justin Bieber that people are so enamored with, I'm reminded of something I saw in M.
Read his face, read his soul, you say? Well, the logical extension of that would obviously be draw his face, OWN HIS SOUL! Why I didn't think of this in the first place is beyond me. Unfortunately, I can't draw for shit. But that's what YouTube is for. There are dozens of videos promising to teach me how to draw Justin Bieber's face and ultimately possess his soul for my very own, but I settle on this one.
Why that one? Because it's 46 seconds long, that's why. I'm already dangerously close to being far too old to be writing an article about this kid. Who has time to wait nine minutes to learn anything? No, under a minute is more my speed.
Approximately 90 seconds later, I'm not sure what I'm looking at, I just know I want it dead.
I OWN YOUR SOUL, BIEBER!