Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

How many times have you found yourself under attack only to reach for your trusty chainsaw duct taped to a canoe paddle, and suddenly realize it's in the shop.

That's why, when the time to defend your life comes, you need to know how to improvise.

Anything you can get your hands on can become a weapon. ANYTHING. Including nearby animals. Or are you telling us you've never heard about...

5Pet Shop Thief's Last Stand

The "Weapon"

A ferret.

Like Pogs, Hammer Pants and Scott Baio, pet ferrets best serve as reminder of just how questionable our entire country's judgment was in the 80s.


It was a simpler, more Beastmaster-y time.

To hobos, however, ferrets remain irresistible. Which explains why Rodney Bolton, a 38-year-old homeless man, waltzed into a Florida pet store one day and stole one via stuffing the little bastard down his pants. We can only ponder whether Bolton intended to free his furry acquisition or keep it imprisoned in his pants as a great cocktail party icebreaker for whenever a partygoer inevitably asked whether he was just happy to see them.


"Well ladies, as a matter of fact, that is a feral weasel in my pants."

As Bolton fled the scene, he was confronted in the parking lot by a 17-year-old kid who apparently witnessed his act of grand theft ferret. That's when our quick-thinking, homeless hero sprung into action, whipping his furry beast from his trousers and slapping the dude in the face with it.


It probably knocked him right out of his rollerblades.

The ferret, apparently shocked to find himself part of a euphemism come to life, panicked and bit the closest thing to it: the kid's face. Interestingly, Florida law considered the ferret a "special weapon." As such, Bolton was charged with "dangerously wielding" it, which is unfortunate because the day we outlaw trouser ferrets is the day only outlaws will have trouser ferrets.


Home of the free, indeed.

Actually, on second thought we're fine with that.

4An Unconventional Throwing Star

The "Weapon"

A Hedgehog.

Hypothetical: If you're a fully-grown adult, what do you do when a 15-year-old kid gets on your nerves? Do you:

A) Politely (but firmly) insist that he cease;

B) Tease him about his testicles and their assumed lack of descension or;

C) Throw a damn hedgehog at him.


All of the above.

You probably already guessed which option New Zealander William Singalargh picked.

When a kid tried his patience, Singalargh retaliated by launching a sentient shuriken and scored a direct hit on the boy's leg.


Presumably, Singalargh had to go through a strenuous training montage with an elderly Asian man to perform such a move.

Perhaps Singalargh played Sonic the Hedgehog one too many times and was surprised to see the animal didn't turn into a bunch of rings when it struck the boy. Instead, the cuddly missile turned into a nasty welt and some puncture wounds.

It turns out that wacky comedy assault carries the same penalty as regular assault, so Singalargh was arrested and ordered to pay a $545 fine, which had to have hit pretty hard since that's 178 bazilliongy dollars in crazy people money.


Or 359 buttons or "hobo dollars."

It should be noted though, that Singalargh's missile fared less well. The poor little guy was found dead at the scene. To be fair, perhaps the hedgehog was dead beforehand which only opens the more troubling question: What kind of man carries a dead hedgehog around for chucking? And is it too late for us to make a comic book about him?

3Motel Argument Turns Ugly, Via Snake

The "Weapon"

A four-foot python.

When you have a serious phobia, it's generally not a good idea to go around telling people about it. Well, not obnoxious strangers you meet in motels, anyway.


"Well, Mr. Bates, I'd say the two things I fear the most are taxidermists and being killed in the shower."

Jeffery "I don't do snakes" Culp learned this the hard way when he checked into a motel with his wife whilst looking for a new home. A few days into their stay, Jeffery noticed fellow motel-dweller Tony Smith "running up and down the sidewalk" with his pet python. Not knowing well enough to walk away from the "running snake man," Jeffery made a point of telling Smith that he was "deathly afraid" of snakes. Needless to say, he'd live to regret this.


"CCCOOOOBBBRRRAAA!"

A while later, Jeffery complained Tony and his cronies were playing music way too loudly. He went to Smith's room to give them a piece of his mind, only to find them "racing down the hallway in chairs." We're starting to seriously doubt whether Tony Smith is actually capable of transporting himself anywhere without looking like a total fuckwit.

Anyway, a heated argument followed. Jeffery went back to his room, the matter seemingly resolved.

That is, until, Jeffery went out for a smoke a couple of hours later. As he lit up, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He whirled around to see the grinning form of Tony Smith, who promptly said "Here, look at this!" before shoving his python into Jeffery's face. Snake handling and chair racing, Tony was good at. Witty one-liners, not so much.


"You made a big miSNAKE, buddy! Ooh, that's what I should have said!"

The snake latched onto Jeffery's lower lip, probably causing him to scream hilariously and run around frantically shaking his head. Despite this, the physical damage was minimal and the psychological trauma merely permanent.

Smith, meanwhile, was arrested and charged with assault and battery. Wait, the ferret gets a special charge and a snake attack is regular ol' assault?

2Grocery Store Vigilantes

The "Weapon"

A turkey (frozen).

Sometimes ordinary people really do become heroes. Here's an inspiring story of unexpected heroism, blunt force trauma and poultry.


And the assassination that shocked the nation.

In November 2008, career criminal Fred Louis Ervin robbed a North Carolina gas station. After the nefarious ne'er-do-well acquired the contents of the cash register, he hopped across the road to a grocery store parking lot to score himself a sweet getaway ride. The only problem was the car's owner, Irene Bailey, was currently getting into it. Ervin wasn't going to let a little detail like that stop him. In the words of a witness:

"The lady was being beaten on the ground. She was lying on the ground, and the guy was on top of her - physically hitting her."


But let's be honest. She probably had it coming.

However, just as all seemed lost, something awesome happened: Other shoppers surrounded Ervin. One of the posse (whose name police did not release) picked up a frozen turkey from amongst Irene's spilled groceries. Hopefully saying something like "It's time for you... to go cold turkey," he brought the mighty bird down on Ervin's carjacking head.


"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Despite his severe head wound, Ervin still managed to escape in Irene's car. Just not very well. He hit an impressive five other cars on his way out of the parking lot. Police picked him up a short while later without any trouble.

There aren't many certainties in this world, but we feel we can say this with some conviction: Thanksgiving dinner that year was the sweetest damn thing Irene Bailey ever ate.


"Revenge is a dish best served... turkey. Wait, that sucked. Can I try again?"

1The Hells Angels vs. Germany's Greatest Hero

The "Weapon"

A puppy (alive).

If you just had to throw a puppy at someone, your viable options would likely make a short list. Mailman, neighbor kids, the guy who canceled Arrested Development. We can't imagine "Hells Angel" would end up on anyone's list. That is unless of course you're a 26-year-old German student whom we'll just call Testosticor Fantastiballs.


Portrayed here by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Testosticor, like many people, suffered from depression. Unlike many people, however, he chose a rather interesting way of coping with it. Instead of, say, finding solace in loved ones or sitting in the dark listening to Joy Division, he felt that rather more... drastic action was required.

So, he grabbed the first puppy he saw, leapt manfully into his car and tore up the Autobahn until he'd reached the nearest Hells Angels hideout.


Probably in this vehicle.

Arming himself with nothing more than the puppy, he strode into the grounds and proceeded to heroically... drop his shorts.

While the Angels were stymied trying to figure out why a psychopath had just strode into their clubhouse and mooned them, Testosticor executed his masterstroke: He withdrew the bemused puppy (presumably from a holster) and hurled it at the nearest leather-clad guy.


Impregnating all of these women in the process.

So get the image in your head: Here's this guy with pants around his ankles, throwing puppies at a motorcycle gang on their compound. Take that in.

OK? Let's continue (and yes, the puppy was fine).

By this point, Testosticor must have partially come to his senses and decided to follow-up his patently absurd assault with the most bizarrely awesome escape attempt in the history of shenanigans.

The first phase of his retreat strategy involved running over to a building site and commandeering a fully operational bulldozer.

The second phase was coming to the realization that, however awesome, bulldozers aren't actually very fast. Phase three had him causing a three-mile traffic jam on the highway and phase four saw him finally abandon the bulldozer (still on the highway) and hitchhike all the way home.


Who knew that you could hitchhike to Valhalla?

All in all, a very well executed plan.

Despite arriving safely home, Mr. Fantastiballs was quickly apprehended by the law and charged with being the world's best person. The court sentenced him to life in luxury and all the eager German milk maidens he could ravage [citation needed].

As for the puppy? Well, it was handed over to an animal shelter, and is probably living comfortably off the royalties it made selling its heart-warming story to Hollywood.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Know way too much about a random topic? Create a topic page and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

And check out how militaries have used animals in the past, in 7 Insane Military Attempts To Weaponize Animals. Or check out some cuddly creatures that don't need human help to kick ass, in The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You.

And stop by Linkstorm (Updated 07.28.10) to see Jack O'Brien wrestle a bear.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

398 Comments

Load Comments