How many times have you found yourself under attack only to reach for your trusty chainsaw duct taped to a canoe paddle, and suddenly realize it's in the shop.
That's why, when the time to defend your life comes, you need to know how to improvise.
Anything you can get your hands on can become a weapon. ANYTHING. Including nearby animals. Or are you telling us you've never heard about...
#5. Pet Shop Thief's Last Stand
Like Pogs, Hammer Pants and Scott Baio, pet ferrets best serve as reminder of just how questionable our entire country's judgment was in the 80s.
It was a simpler, more Beastmaster-y time.
To hobos, however, ferrets remain irresistible. Which explains why Rodney Bolton, a 38-year-old homeless man, waltzed into a Florida pet store one day and stole one via stuffing the little bastard down his pants. We can only ponder whether Bolton intended to free his furry acquisition or keep it imprisoned in his pants as a great cocktail party icebreaker for whenever a partygoer inevitably asked whether he was just happy to see them.
"Well ladies, as a matter of fact, that is a feral weasel in my pants."
As Bolton fled the scene, he was confronted in the parking lot by a 17-year-old kid who apparently witnessed his act of grand theft ferret. That's when our quick-thinking, homeless hero sprung into action, whipping his furry beast from his trousers and slapping the dude in the face with it.
It probably knocked him right out of his rollerblades.
The ferret, apparently shocked to find himself part of a euphemism come to life, panicked and bit the closest thing to it: the kid's face. Interestingly, Florida law considered the ferret a "special weapon." As such, Bolton was charged with "dangerously wielding" it, which is unfortunate because the day we outlaw trouser ferrets is the day only outlaws will have trouser ferrets.
Home of the free, indeed.
Actually, on second thought we're fine with that.
#4. An Unconventional Throwing Star
Hypothetical: If you're a fully-grown adult, what do you do when a 15-year-old kid gets on your nerves? Do you:
A) Politely (but firmly) insist that he cease;
B) Tease him about his testicles and their assumed lack of descension or;
C) Throw a damn hedgehog at him.
All of the above.
You probably already guessed which option New Zealander William Singalargh picked.
When a kid tried his patience, Singalargh retaliated by launching a sentient shuriken and scored a direct hit on the boy's leg.
Presumably, Singalargh had to go through a strenuous training montage with an elderly Asian man to perform such a move.
Perhaps Singalargh played Sonic the Hedgehog one too many times and was surprised to see the animal didn't turn into a bunch of rings when it struck the boy. Instead, the cuddly missile turned into a nasty welt and some puncture wounds.
It turns out that wacky comedy assault carries the same penalty as regular assault, so Singalargh was arrested and ordered to pay a $545 fine, which had to have hit pretty hard since that's 178 bazilliongy dollars in crazy people money.
Or 359 buttons or "hobo dollars."
It should be noted though, that Singalargh's missile fared less well. The poor little guy was found dead at the scene. To be fair, perhaps the hedgehog was dead beforehand which only opens the more troubling question: What kind of man carries a dead hedgehog around for chucking? And is it too late for us to make a comic book about him?
#3. Motel Argument Turns Ugly, Via Snake
The "Weapon"A four-foot python.
When you have a serious phobia, it's generally not a good idea to go around telling people about it. Well, not obnoxious strangers you meet in motels, anyway.
"Well, Mr. Bates, I'd say the two things I fear the most are taxidermists and being killed in the shower."
Jeffery "I don't do snakes" Culp learned this the hard way when he checked into a motel with his wife whilst looking for a new home. A few days into their stay, Jeffery noticed fellow motel-dweller Tony Smith "running up and down the sidewalk" with his pet python. Not knowing well enough to walk away from the "running snake man," Jeffery made a point of telling Smith that he was "deathly afraid" of snakes. Needless to say, he'd live to regret this.
A while later, Jeffery complained Tony and his cronies were playing music way too loudly. He went to Smith's room to give them a piece of his mind, only to find them "racing down the hallway in chairs." We're starting to seriously doubt whether Tony Smith is actually capable of transporting himself anywhere without looking like a total fuckwit.
Anyway, a heated argument followed. Jeffery went back to his room, the matter seemingly resolved.
That is, until, Jeffery went out for a smoke a couple of hours later. As he lit up, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He whirled around to see the grinning form of Tony Smith, who promptly said "Here, look at this!" before shoving his python into Jeffery's face. Snake handling and chair racing, Tony was good at. Witty one-liners, not so much.
"You made a big miSNAKE, buddy! Ooh, that's what I should have said!"
The snake latched onto Jeffery's lower lip, probably causing him to scream hilariously and run around frantically shaking his head. Despite this, the physical damage was minimal and the psychological trauma merely permanent.
Smith, meanwhile, was arrested and charged with assault and battery. Wait, the ferret gets a special charge and a snake attack is regular ol' assault?