6 Things From History Everyone Pictures Incorrectly

It's a running theme here at Cracked that a lot of what we think we know about history has been filtered through many centuries of utter bullshit. Our image of the past is largely made up of Hollywood inventions, propaganda and uneducated guesses.

So you will probably be surprised to find that...

Note: We don't want to be cruel, but your life is pretty much the most boring life that could possibly exist. First off, you probably won't ever see the apocalypse, and if you do, it won't be anything like the movies have taught you. Second, there are millions of awesome horror movies happening all around you, all the time, but your eyes literally can't even perceive them. Third, and perhaps worst of all, Adam Sandler movies have gotten really bad.

No, if you want adventure, the only reliable place to look for it is in the past -- only you've got all that shit wrong, too! As this Cracked Classic shows, the past was way more awesome than movies like Stargate, Jurassic Park and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure would have ever dared to show us.

#6. The Pyramids Were Smooth, White and Shiny

The Perception:

We get so busy being amazed by the Pyramids, with their massive, meticulously layered sandy golden bricks, that we forget that what we're seeing are the broken-down remnants. If you could see them new, you'd barely recognize them. They were much more awesome back then.

The Reality:

What we think of today as the Pyramids are really just the exposed layers of the structural base. The original pyramids lit up like the Times Square of ancient Egypt. Egyptians were all about having the maximum amount of glittery goodness, especially when it came to death.


Pharaohs liked tacky shit? We would have never guessed.

And since the Pyramids were the tombs of the pharaohs, they made sure they were the biggest, most sparkly things of all. The original outside consisted of smooth, white limestone that hid the layers of brick, giving the effect that a pyramid was one giant solid piece. Don't take our word for it; you can still see bits of that decorative layer on some of them:

That outer crunchy candy shell was then polished until it was on the verge of blinding from all the light it would reflect from the sun or moon. It was said that they could be seen from miles away, even during the night.

Of course that wasn't enough, so the capstone was then plated in gold or electrum. Had the technology existed, we're sure the pharaohs would have stuck 24-inch chrome rims on them, too.

Why We Picture it Wrong:

What we're looking at today are the equivalent of sports cars that have been long forgotten in some junkyard.

Weather and time have been beating down the pyramids for four and a half thousand years. Well, partly it was time, but mostly it was assholes. Those shiny layers of white and gold? They were stripped off and used in the construction of Medieval Cairo, and there are cracks and holes where 19th century treasure hunters tried to get in with pickaxes and in one unfortunate case, dynamite.

Oh don't worry about it looters, those were only the greatest architectural accomplishments of the Ancient World. We're sure what you needed the stuff for was way more important.

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