The 9 Stupidest Superhero Secret Identities

#4. Wolverine - Patch

Patch was originally introduced as an identity Wolverine assumed only while traveling to the Asian nation of Madripoor. So, in America he's a costumed madman who stabs people in the head...

"Holy! Did you see that shit!? Did you see what I just did? Tell me you were looking!"

...but in Madripoor, he's the respected owner of a bar called Princess and dresses accordingly.

Is the assumption that people in Madripoor have never even heard of the X-Men, so they wouldn't recognize Wolverine despite his flimsy disguise? Bullshit. No place on Earth, no matter how remote, would not have heard of the X-Men in the Marvel universe. They're a band of superpowered freaks on the news for saving the entire planet from buttchinned green dudes like every other weekend. But OK, we'll play your game, Marvel - nobody's ever heard of the X-Men in Madripoor. So if that's the case, why would he even bother wearing a disguise in the first place?

#3. The Hulk - Joe Fixit

Yep. The Hulk had a secret identity - not Bruce Banner, that's a whole different being. The giant, fucking hulking (hence the name), occasionally gray colored monster went incognito and worked as a Vegas bouncer. He called himself Joe Fixit, because he "fixed" problems. Presumably punch-based problems.

"Yeah, I can help you with your bookkeeping... with stomping!"

He even got a girlfriend, an aerobics instructor named Marlo that had no idea who he really was. Keep in mind we're still talking about The Hulk in his giant monster form here, and never once did Marlo stop and think - possibly as she's fleeing in terror from gargantuan Hulk-wang - that this thing might be the monster she saw on the news yesterday swinging tanks into other tanks.

#2. Robin - Dick Grayson

Batman's always getting grief for dressing his sidekick in the, uh... most questionable costume imaginable... but the truth is, Dick Grayson was already wearing that Speedo long before becoming Robin. The character's origin establishes that Dick was part of a famous circus act, The Flying Graysons.

How does a lame trapeze act become famous, you ask? By getting themselves killed in front of a full audience, of course. Luckily for young Dick, Batman happened to be in the audience when all this happened, and adopted the boy. Unluckily for Dick, he decided that the exact same flamboyant circus outfit that his dead family just made front page news in would make a great super-secret superhero costume. This rampant disregard for Dick's out-of-costume identity, coupled with the inherent dangers of "fighting crime from the shadows" while wearing bright primary colors and no armor save for a Speedo and a V-neck shirt, begs the question: Why did Batman want Robin dead so badly?

We're thinking Robin had pictures.

#1. The Entire Superman Family - A Bunch Of People With Poor Eyesight

This comes as no surprise: It's a cliche that Superman's glasses are the most laughably ineffective costume ever, but who cares? Changing that part of the mythos would be like taking the stars off the American flag. So screw suspension of disbelief: Superman predates it. He's got a free pass to be wearing the same completely unbelievable disguise 70 years later. The many, many other Super-characters, however, do not. Take Supergirl, Superman's cousin from planet Krypton, who is apparently into roleplaying and uses sex to deal with her abandonment issues (her home planet was never there for her, growing up).

Her secret identity, Linda Lang, is also the niece of Clark Kent's friend Lana. She even works at the Daily Planet, the same paper as Clark.

You'd think that at some point the Editor would notice that every glasses-wearing member of his staff mysteriously disappears whenever there's trouble, not to mention that all of his nerdly reporters are suspiciously built like Aryan wet dreams. But wait, there's more! There's also Superman's teenage clone, Superboy. While he has the good sense not to work in the same place as Clark Kent, he does go to his old school (Smallville High) and share his last name (Conner Kent).

Man, every nerd at this school looks like an Abercombie and Fitch catalog.

And it's not even over! After the film Superman Returns introduced Superman's six-year-old son with Lois Lane, the comics followed suit by having a Kryptonian boy of the same age conveniently show up in a spacecraft that lands in Metropolis.

Clark Kent and Lois Lane secretly adopt the boy and name him Chris Kent. So how do they alter his appearance so people won't recognize the alien child everyone saw arrive?

Even the fictional characters are starting to get bitter over how lame a plot device this is.

Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile, and when he's not being harassed by earthquakes he likes to waste his time writing back to scammers or making stupid comics. He has published a few comics in his home country, and he'll write some for you if you pay him.

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