The 9 Stupidest Superhero Secret Identities

Every superhero needs a secret identity; some to move amongst the mortals unheeded, some to simply live a normal life, some to protect themselves while they're off-duty and some to ensure the safety of their loved ones.

And some of them apparently just don't give a shit.

#9. Green Arrow - Oliver Queen

Green Arrow, the comic book character whose superpower became outdated around the time gunpowder was invented, has still yet to be introduced to another modern invention: Shaving. Look at that thing! Nobody's rocked the Shakespeare Van Dyke since the Industrial Revolution. Yet, when trying to narrow down who the Green Arrow really is, nobody starts with the local rich guy who, oh by the way, happens to also be the only other man on Earth with that facial hair?

And it's not like by day he's skating by in obscurity: His secret identity, billionaire Oliver Queen, is a renowned personality in the city where Green Arrow operates - at one point he was even elected its Mayor.


Elect Mayor Shootyourface... or he'll shoot your face!

But hey, the character was created in the 40s. He's probably the product of a simpler time. Modern comic writers wouldn't seriously expect us to believe that anybody is fooled by his attempts at going incognito. Like in this recent storyline where Green Arrow is captured and unmasked by the police, and...


Now that I can see the area immediately surrounding his eyes, it seems so obvious...

Still, we can't help admiring the man's insane dedication to that beard. Show us a man who values his facial hair over his own life and the safety of his loved ones, and we'll show you a man, sweetheart.

#8. He-Man - Prince Adam

Thanks to the Sorceress of the legendary Castle Grayskull, Prince Adam of Eternia is magically transformed into... the same dude, with a tan.

That's it. He's no bigger as He-man--you've probably never noticed this, but under that pink jacket Prince Adam's actually pretty muscular--he's just paler and wears more clothes. That's the same dramatic transformation you undergo every winter.


The Power of Grayskull.

If you ask us, the fabled and much sought Power of Grayskull is extremely overrated--although we can understand why a dude like Skeletor would be so desperate to get a part of this action.


"Beach season approaches, Beastman."

And yet it still fools everybody. According to He-Man's opening theme, only three people are aware of his "secret": the Sorceress, Man-At-Arms and Orko. Man-At-Arm's daughter, Teela, despite being Prince Adam's best friend since childhood, has never noticed that he looks exactly like He-Man, probably because she was too busy ogling his man-cleavage to notice anything else.

#7. The Thing - The Thing in a Trenchcoat

Like the rest of the Fantastic Four, The Thing's identity isn't really secret. Every member of their family has superpowers, so there's no one left to protect. But what if he just wants to escape the limelight for a little while? How can a gigantic, several ton rock monster just enjoy pedestrian life? Holograms? Shapeshifting? Mu-mu and motorcycle helmet?

Nope!

He dresses like a gigantic rock-shaped pervert.

And it works, too. Hell, even the movies used it:

Why even bother doing all the legwork of maintaining an entire separate identity if a raincoat and a hat make you functionally invisible to society. If only more superheroes wised up and took advantage of this wonderful idea...

OK, one guy in a trench coat--even one the size and shape of a Hummer--just minding his own business is fine, but FOUR walking together? Even if you are physically incapable of seeing faces and don't register that there are four monsters under there, it still looks like somebody's about to get raped.

#6. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - Five Teens From Angel Grove High School

The Power Rangers' superhero personas are entirely concealed by their face wrapping helmets, ostensibly making their secret identities impossible to screw up ... unless they hung out together all the time, wore monochromatic outfits corresponding with their respective Ranger identity and openly practiced martial arts together in formation. They have to try to screw things up that badly. Just look at that picture: The blue ranger is dressed in blue, the pink ranger in pink, the red ranger in red, the yellow ranger in yellow and the black guy is wearing... jeans and stripes. Hey, he can wear whatever he wants; he's still the black one. Later, when a new Green Power Ranger shows up...

...a green clothed teen suddenly joins the gang:

Nobody in that town is fooled for a second by the rainbow coalition of black belt teenagers. They're probably just thanking god there's no albino kids in town. Imagine the PR disaster, having your town saved by the White Power Ran-

#5. The 1940s Flash - Jay Garrick

And we are officially no longer trying: No mask, no cowl, no tan, just a colander on his head. A colander with wings.

The explanation was that he moved too fast for anyone to recognize him, but what about when he was carrying someone else at the same speed?

Or jumping on people from behind?

Or having his picture taken for the cover of a magazine?

And it didn't help that he wasn't exactly judicious when it came to using his powers...


He should play that Flash guy! What a game that would be!

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