The Horse Goes VRINSK! 6 Noises Foreign Languages Suck At

#3. Kissing

Signaling love, lust, familial affection or even death (depending on the Italian-ness of the kisser and the number of sweet pinstripes on their three-piece suit), the kiss is an important symbol of the human condition. It can be sweet and poppy, like "smooch," but it should never be vulgar or trivial. But just try telling that to...

Norway - If poorly defined stereotypes and geographical ignorance are right, this is where Vikings live, so we are fully prepared for their imminent failure here. We'd guess they have 800 words for both "fire" and "rape," but we are not the least surprised that they don't have the best "kissing sound." So, what do they call it?

SMASK!

Pretty good job, guys. That's probably what it actually sounds like when you kiss somebody mid-headbutt.

But that's at least in the same ballpark, not like in...

Thailand - What's their sound for the kiss, the gesture of passion and affection? When Romeo leans to the cold flesh of Juliet, to brush his lips against her but one last time before taking his own life--his kiss the deepest, most meaningful, heartbroken, serene movement left in his body--what sound would the Thai say it makes?

JOOP.

Then Juliet wakes up, dances a jig and they both start a jug band.

#2. Balloon/Bubble Burst

POP!

This is an easy one. The sound a balloon makes is short, surprising, peppy and full of naive mischief. So fill in the blank, guys: We're going to ____ your bubble.

Indonesia - "We're going to DOR your bubble."

What? What kind of balloons are they selling in Indonesia?

Hungary - "We're going to DOON your bubble."

Man, they're just one letter off from a word we'd totally adopt. "I'm going to Doom your bubble!" It doesn't match the sound, but at least it's badass.

Denmark - "We're going to KNALD your bubble."

...

No, Danes. Just... just no. You're not.

#1. Rooster Crowing

Oh, Jesus. This is going to be a comedy of errors. The sound a Rooster makes is intricate, striking, fraught with meaning and ever-changing. There's a lot of leeway with this one. Pretty much anything is acceptable. Except...

Armenia - TSOO-GHOO-ROO-GHOO

Did you throw that up in the bathroom of a strip club? What the hell kind of monster chickens do you have that are capable of a hard "G" sound?

The criteria for this was vast, open-minded and broad, yet you still found a way to fail. That was probably the only possible wrong answer to the questi-

Nepal - FROOTTI TOOTTI TU!

Haha, who let you out of your cage, Nepal? Here, let's check back in with English for the grounded, down-to-earth, accurate transcription of the Rooster:

United States - COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.

...

We gave you a chance to shine, America, and you strung together two dick references and a poop joke. You know, we learned something today: You can't judge other cultures by their differences, you can only accept and celebrate them, because when it all comes down to it, all that really matters is this:

We are all equally retarded, spastic and wrong.

Matthew Scott (Erman) writes for www.passivevoice.tumblr.com and resides in Columbus, Ohio being generally unfunny while reading his "serious literature" in coffee houses, behind garbage dumpsters and loudly on the street corners.

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