6 Reasons It's Time For Matthew McConaughey To Go Away

#4. Rooster McConaughey

However, at least he hasn't gotten all Hollywood, and by all accounts stays in touch with his roots. Unfortunately, that might be worse.

He has a brother named Rooster, whom he is so impressed by that he is developing a new Fox cartoon with him called Rooster Tales. It follows the hilarious adventures of a "redneck sheriff" who marries a younger Mexican woman and gets saddled with her 114-member family! A laugh riot! Matthew's excuse? "My brother's life is so unbelievable, we had to animate it."


Fascinating.

And he has a point, as Rooster has, for example, legally named his kids Miller Lyte and Margarita Olympia, after two of his favorite beers, which is admittedly unbelievable for those who want to believe good things about humanity.

But you know who else's life is unbelievable? Animal hoarders. Are people clamoring for cartoons about them?

This isn't Rooster's first foray into show business. He had a brief stint on the reality series Black Gold, possibly due to the McConaughey good looks.

...or more likely the McConaughey relationship to Matthew McConaughey.

Black Gold was produced by the same people who explored the toughest, most dangerous jobs and the crazy people who do them in Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers. In Black Gold, they explore the thrill-seeking badasses of the Texas oil scene, like Rooster McConaughey, pipe salesman.

That's right, he might not put out oil fires, or even drill wells, or even refine oil, but you know those big heavy pipes that have to go thousands of feet underground or cross hundreds of miles of barren land carrying their precious cargo? Well, he sells them to people. BAD. ASS.

#5. He Literally Cannot Support Himself

As Cracked has pointed out before with FDR, not being able to stand upright is a pretty damning character flaw, and Matthew McConaughey has it in spades. Or at least his characters do.

I am far from the first person to observe that he seems to require structural support in every movie poster but it is a truth that needs to be told.

As you can see, by 2020, he will have to appear in movies flat on his back, leaving him with roles like the victim in a CPR instructional video. If he can get a rom-com role, it'll probably be something like the guy in While You Were Sleeping, the one who was in a coma the entire movie to provide a plot device for Sandra Bullock to fall in love with Bill Pullman. Throw in a full-body cast and I'm sold.

#6. Nobody Can Spell His Goddamned Name

Just beginning with the title of this piece, I had to re-type his name six times trying to fucking spell McConaghey McConnahey McConaughay McConaughey right. Did you see how many times I had to use his name in this article? I don't care if he did rescue puppies after Hurricane Katrina. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.


Check out more from Christina, in 7 Special Effects The Stars Want to Keep Secret and 6 Ways World of Warcraft is Worse Than Real Life.

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