Cracked Round-Up: Astrology Edition

When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, we might be able to find the keys to the company car again.

JAPANTASTIC

6 Japanese Subcultures That Are Insane (Even for Japan) Japan knows crazy the way normal nations know imperial misadventures and nuclear brinksmanship.

Notable Comment:"Actually, it's worth noting that the Lolita style is actually derived from the Victorian era, so his quote about Queen Victoria telling Lolis to loosen up is erroneous. Besides, Lolitas are hot. The compromised sexuality makes them all the more erotic."

Thanks for the heads up, Day2Day. If compromised sexuality = erotic, you'd love to spend an afternoon in the Cracked Office showers.

SOLUTIONS

6 Companies That Make Money Solving Problems (They Made Up) If we ever meet that Free Credit Report.com guy in a dark alley, you can bet his guitar fingers will end up as shattered as his credit rating.

Notable Comment:Rowse16: HundeDesKrieg; "You know what'll be a hell of a lot more valuable than gold in the future? Bullets."

Malph: "Especially gold bullets (which are the only thing that can kill a were-pimp)."

SPY-TASTIC

The 6 Most Hilarious Undercover Operations Ever Pulled Off We always assumed a "reverse Scarface" was a preposterous sexual position requiring an M16 and enough cocaine to buy Miami straight up.

Notable Comment: "Conclusion: When criminals screw up, it often ends in creepy sex."

Sorry, TheDarkFlame, but most criminal fuck-ups just end with a tainted heroin needle or a botched carjacking.

SCREWED

The 5 Worst Deals In the History of Handshakes This makes us feel better about the fact that we spent the first year of our Cracked contracts being paid in rope-beatings and bulk Vegemite.

Notable Comment: "And the Canarsie tribe created the oldest standing tradition among Long Islanders: you can say you're going into the city for the culture, but you're really going there to get seven different kinds of f**ked up. " Hey now, Cecilia519, there are reasons to go into the city that DON'T involve getting fucked up. We just can't think of any right now. Maybe if we had a few beers...

HOT SHIT

6 Global Warming Side Effects That Are Sort Of Awesome High five for unintended positive consequences to thoughtless polluting!

Notable Comment: "SYou're also forgetting that more oxygen = bigger explosions, which in turn = more awesome. "

Gunhammer makes an excellent point. Have you ever thrown a hand grenade in a greenhouse? Spoiler alert: it kicks ass.

Magic Hugs!

How to Be Tight: Every Show on MTV Typical Chazz!

6.10.10:

Proving once and for all that tits will get you to the front of the line.
by Imfuckingawsome

Editor's pick:

Garage sales are not the best place to find sex dolls.
by BowToTheBard

6.09.10:

You can't eat bankers if you're allergic to selfish.
by LilMcGil

Editor's pick:

It's hard to be serious when your protest is better dressed than you
by metsfan

6.08.10:

Suffering from severe OCD, MC Hammer develops the perfect means to prevent you from touching this
by niceminnesota

Editor's pick:

"I said I WOULDN'T have sex with you even if you wore a full body condom filled with hand sanitizer."
by geniuswaitress

6.07.10:

...and THAT is how you kill an invisible man.
by jtklove

Editor's pick:

Jim just wanted to sell balloons. That was all.
by metsfan

6.06.10:

"Hey, is Darnell home? No no, we just....we just wanna talk to him."
by mess

Editor's pick:

Although we spent our summer terrorizing the locals, I WAS spending more time with my father, and that's what mom would have wanted.
by Redway

6.05.10:

The rocks reutrned home in celebration after their victory over the scissors
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

This is why Tom no longer asks his friends to help him move.
by Me_No_Funny

6.04.10:

Eric was afraid to tell his friends he had no idea what a cocktail party was.
by RodneyHardman

Editor's pick:

I like it when I go to a black-tie dinner and the entree respects the dress code, too.
by Mothra24