#2. You're Making the Earth Fat
Contrary to what every teacher you've ever had told you, the earth isn't round: It's an oblate spheroid. In normal people terms, that means it's actually shaped more like a pumpkin than a basketball. But how close it is to looking like one or the other fluctuates; amazingly, the Earth can (and has) actually changed its overall shape several times in accordance with the global climate.
The Earth at her sexy best in the late 1980s: God, look at the way those continents jiggle when she orbits.
Since the last major Ice Age, the Earth has been getting progressively rounder. In 1998, that pattern flip-flopped and the planet started getting bigger around the middle. Like, significantly wider in the anthropomorphized "gut" region. According to one study, a "mysterious equatorial bulge" has emerged. The Earth itself is getting fatter. And it's our fault: The ice caps and mountain glaciers are melting, raising the sea level and therefore increasing the planet's girth around the equator. This redistributed weight changes the actual shape of the globe.
Earth after seriously letting herself go. God, look at that disgusting fatass.
Now before you go saying that it's not our bad habits and binge-eating that's causing the world to overheat, you should shut up, because it is. Many experts have proven that at least part of the global warming issue could be solved if we would all just lose a few pounds. By staying fat we consume more food, which means more land needs to be turned over to producing it, and we take more gas to get us around, increasing oil use and air pollution.
You're so fucking fat you're killing your grandchildren.
#1. You're Making Jesus Fat
Earlier this year, a study of 52 images of the Last Supper was published in the International Journal of Obesity (good lord, how far have we fallen as a people, when we need actual peer reviewed publications devoted to the study of our gigantic asses?). The authors of the study wanted to find out if lifestyle changes in the general population affected the amount of food served in paintings of the Last Supper. It turns out that over the course of 1000 years, the size of the meal served increased by 70 percent. Since the Gospels only mention bread and wine being served, anything else on that table (and the amount) is purely left to the artist's imagination, which usually reflected the standard of the time.
Starting in 1308, we can see what a meager meal Jesus and his disciples had to split between themselves, with just some bread rolls and... some kind of pig fetus?
But the spirit is intact here; it is a modest meal by any standards. Now, by the 1400s, each of the 13 men are at least getting a decent portion, even if they end up having to swing by Arby's on the way home because they didn't want to look like pigs in front of The Christ.
But by the late 1500s, we've got an orgy of food: So much that one table simply cannot hold it all. Now we've even got serving wenches passing out bowls of nuts with one hand while doing the wash with the other, because old-timey bitches knew how to multi-task.
Society's changing perception of what is normal allowed the artists to get away with slowly morphing Jesus Christ from a humble, starving carpenter into a hedonist feasting with his entourage while groupies handle his nuts. If the Last Supper was a popular subject today, you'd barely be able to see Simon behind the buckets of chicken, Paul would be horking back a Double Down and Judas would be double-dipping egg-rolls in the ranch sauce.
Because he's History's greatest monster, that's why.
For more of Kathy's work, check out 7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason) and The 6 Stupidest Things Ever Done With Historic Treasures.