Every grizzled mentor worth their salt will tell you that success takes a lot of work. Getting a good job requires an education, good health requires discipline and good hair requires vigorous conditioning.
But science says that while those high-octane achievers may make more money and climb the career ladder faster, it's the slackers who prevail in the end.
First of all, if marijuana is illegal where you live, printing out this article for the judge is not going to get you out of jail or make your white guy dreadlocks any less ridiculous--we're not advocating that you break the law. It's just that there may be a medical upside to go along with all the bad stuff you've been hearing about since you were a kid. When a professor emeritus of medical chemistry starts talking about the cancer-blocking properties of weed, you have to wonder if those stoners aren't smarter than they look.
So How is This Helpful?
According to Professor Raphael Mechoulam, what we should be focusing on when it comes to weed are cannabinoids. These are organic compounds found in marijuana and in a very similar form in animals and humans. It's because of the similarity between plant and animal compounds that cannabinoids from weed can create a euphoric state if smoked. However, this similarity also means they can influence our body in other ways.
One example of how cannabinoids could be used is for the treatment of Alzheimer's. Mechoulam conducted a study that found that cannabinoids could delay the advancement of brain diseases. Apparently these guys not only halt cognitive decline but reduced inflammation in the brain.
For instance, this man will live forever.
In a very similar study researchers discovered that cannabinoids could halt the growth of tumors. So far the tests were successful on mice as well as two humans, successfully delaying cancer by triggering the death gene in cancerous cells.
Suck on that, cancer!
Again, you should always obey the laws in your area. If you're not sure, just call up the local police department, say that you're considering buying some weed, and see if they give you the thumbs-up.
When we say that some fat can help you live longer, we're not talking about being obese here. Obesity is still worse for your health than trying to ride a bear that is riding shark. But...
In a rather morbid study, Canadian researchers observed thousands of people for 12 years, carefully noting when they kicked the bucket. Not surprisingly, the super obese subjects died first, proving once and for all that all the video games where you gain more health as you eat more are not scientifically accurate. However, people at what was considered a healthy weight tended to die second, leaving the not-exactly-svelte to laugh as they slurped a milkshake. Then the milkshake came out of their noses, and that made everyone laugh.
Gods among mortal men.
So How is This Helpful?
The most likely reason for the chubbies living longer is stress tolerance. Their bodies have fat reserves they can use while sick or under stress; skinny bodies don't. In other words, being an underfed, stressed out Calvin Klein underwear model is a lot more dangerous for you than lounging on the couch all day.
So fat can make you last longer under stress, but it's not like a big booty can actually save your life, right? Wrong. A study in England discovered that having fat on your back and thighs helps your body produce beneficial hormones that lower the risk of diabetes and heart disease.
Even more interesting is what happened to the patients who decided to lose their ass fat during the course of the study, presumably right around the time the scientists told them they qualified for participation in an ass fat study. The subjects who lost fat around their butt during the study were actually more likely to have a heart attack, marking the first and last time that taking medical advice from Sir Mix-a-Lot saved someone's life.
Sir Mix-a-Lot 1, Cosmo 0.
One of the reasons for fat's unexpected healing powers is that dangerous acids tend to build up in fatty tissue, instead of loitering inside your liver or heart. And in case you're wondering, having toxic acids inside your buttocks is significantly better than having them in your heart valves. It's pretty much like having an angry chipmunk bite your ass versus the same chipmunk biting your heart.
Back in the day, college was all about toga parties and binge drinking until your liver burst into flame. Nowadays, it's more about all-nighters hopped up on Ritalin so your GPA can justify spending 40 grand a year. But all those exhausting classes, internships and research projects have to count for something, right? According to researchers: They do. All that effort adds up to a depressed and miserable life.
Meanwhile, skipping out on all that misery might just help you live longer than those Einsteins who don't.
So How is This Helpful?
The Curtin Institute of Technology discovered that the more education you have, the more you're at risk of becoming disillusioned with life. Sinking into a soul-crushing depression is just one of the ultra-fun side effects of higher education, along with a more stressful lifestyle and unmanageable financial debt. Higher education is pretty much like Christmas Day if you expect to get a pony, but instead you discover you're trapped in a Dilbert cartoon, and also there is no pony. Only thousands of dollars of debt in a pony shaped stocking.
If that isn't enough to drive you to the nearest Everclear bottle, another study showed that more intelligent people have less sex. The study, which does come with the important warning that a lobotomy won't make you a sex god, shows that having higher test results means you're not getting lucky tonight, or any time soon. So school is basically an epic anti-aphrodisiac, with the average moron getting more lovin' than the smart guys.