The 5 Most Impractical Aspects of Superhero Costumes

#2. Where Am I Supposed to Put That...?

What They Tell Us:

If a female character is going to have a trademark weapon, it had better be one that she can carry in one hand and has no risk of dropping at any time.

Extra whip? That's... that's just crazy. Hey, look at my junk!

Who the hell cares where they stuff all their gear? Whatever it is, they can probably just tote it along in a purse. Besides, Rogue's got a leather jacket and Jean Grey has pockets which she never uses. Isn't that enough cargo space for a female superhero?

We assume that little sash has a special place for her cell phone.

Why It's Bullshit:

Batman has his utility belt. Gambit has a huge trench coat loaded with pockets. Punisher has a mobile command unit. And why? Because it's helpful to have weapons when fighting crime. Batman spent years training on a mountain side so that he can kill anyone he comes across with his bare hands and even he needs more gadgets than any non-magical utility belt can hold without utilizing extra storage space.

We'll stop showing you how Batman's utility belt works when he admits it's true.

Meanwhile, female crime fighters and villains are asked to get by on their feminine wiles and distracting promises of partial nudity. You don't need to be fighting crime for skin tight clothing without pockets to start being a pain in the ass.

"These costumes are tight... very tight... and I don't have any pockets. I have nowhere to put my wallet, never mind a two-way communicator, or any of the other gadgets I might need."

For an example of what Ruby's talking about, here she is in the costume she made for building-scaling burglar Black Cat:

Somewhere in there, she's sporting rope and grappling hooks.

"More fashionable utility belts [for women] please!"

#1. Keeping Your Identity Secret Is Probably More Important Than Letting The World Know You're Hot

What They Tell Us:

Not all superheroes try to hide their identity, but if they choose to be open about who they are, there's usually a reason for it. For the ladies though, keeping ones identity secret is rarely even a consideration. No Watchwoman ever wore a mask.

The walking stalker bate is probably fine, but Dr. Manhattan might want to cover up like the rest of the guys.

At the end of the first Iron Man, Tony Stark makes the (we would argue, strategically poor) decision to tell the world he's Iron Man and it's considered a huge deal. But Black Widow, knowing it'd be a shame to let such a pretty face go to waste, shows up on the scene without a mask.

You must be at least this hot to join the Avengers.

As far as the laws of just about every comic book universe are concerned, masks are overblown for superheroines even if they patrol the same streets as masked men.

Power Girl.

Why It's Bullshit:

"I totally understand wanting to look good all the time. And I totally understand that artists like drawing distinct, pretty ladies, but... people tend to remember a pretty face... so, throw a mask on! Or, if you have a very distinct color hair (cough FeliciaHardy cough) wear a wig!

Yeah... we're pretty sure we'd know a silver mane if we saw one.

Plus there are all those pesky reporters snapping pictures of you. It's easier to keep your secret identity if you actually try!"

This brings us to the saddest realization of all. Mopping up the mean streets of comic book universes with henchmen is made no easier if said henchmen are partially aroused. Ruby refused to comment on this specific point, presumably because she'd never have to fight a man who didn't have a boner.

But whether it's mastering the textile arts, wearing sexy heels, painting on a costume that can't fit a single extra weapon and shows the outlines of your circulatory system - none of the flourishes that fanboys go crazy for are even close to realistic.

We asked what she'd prefer to wear for a night on the town fighting crime:

"If I'm going for comfort, I know my yoga pants and sports bra isn't the most impressive or fearsome outfit out there... but damn, I'm comfy."

If any of our female readers ever do go into crime fighting, going into your garage and piecing together something more befitting Lord Humongous from Mad Max is probably the best way to go. At least you'll be protected.

Like this, with yoga pants and boobs.

And as for our male readers, when you really think about it, there are far less sexy ways to get your ass kicked.

Find more from Ms. Rocket at her website and more photos of her wearing awesomely impractical costumes here.

Continue getting your superhero fix with 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit and 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous by Gritty Reboots.

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