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7 Classic Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories

#3.
Hercules: Murders His Children

The Disney Happy Ending:

In the Disney version we have our hero Hercules versus Hades, who tries to take out Hercules by sending Meg, a woman whose job it is to find Hercules' weakness. As she is a moderately attractive 18- to 25-year-old woman, she falls in love with him instead as required by Disney law.

Since his first plan failed so miserably, Hades gets Hercules to give up his powers in exchange for Meg's safety, which seems like a reasonable trade until you remember that Hades is like Satan with more gold trim, so he predictably goes back on his word.


He seemed like a decent guy.

As Hercules is fighting a Cyclops, Meg pushes him out of the way of a falling column and is killed, which restores Hercules' powers just in time for him to save the world and bring her back to life.

The Original Ending:

First of all, the Greeks depicted Hercules as a rampant sexual beast, taking whatever woman he liked before hitting a mid life crisis and being told to settle down. He got married to Megara, but without the help of Hades, a Cyclops or a Motown-inspired soundtrack. They do live happily ever after, right up until he gets driven insane by the goddess Hera and heroically murders the shit out of Megara and all his children.


"Do you see this arm? They didn't stand a goddamn chance."

After regaining his senses, Heracles is consumed by guilt, which is understandable after killing your entire family for absolutely no reason. To try and make amends, he engages in 12 trials that include defeating powerful monsters and shoveling shit out of some horse stables, until he eventually gets killed by a blanket. Maybe they're saving all of that for one of those direct-to-DVD sequels they do.

#2.
Tarzan: Doesn't Get the Girl, Everyone is Miserable

The Disney Happy Ending:

The evil Clayton, out for some good old fashioned monkey-snatching, locks up Tarzan and Jane on his ship. But Tantor the Elephant crashes through and rescues them, both from Clayton and from the fact that a five-ton animal probably couldn't safely trample all over the deck of a rickety 19th century boat.


We can spot at least three glaring inaccuracies in this picture.

Tarzan rushes to the aid of the gorillas and vanquishes Clayton in the most disturbing fashion since,well, since the last Disney animated feature actually.

In the end, the prim and proper English girl Jane is on her way back to Victorian Britain when she has a change of heart and dives into the ocean. She reunites with Tarzan where we can safely assume she feeds him tea, makes him wear an ascot and claims the island under the Queen's rule. Chalk another one up for the Empire.


"And here's the part where we annex India for 200 years!"

The Original Ending:

Jane is surrounded by plenty of potential suitors (including Clayton himself) who aren't hulking ape men, yet she still falls for Tarzan. Before she can admit it to herself, though, she leaves for America and considers marrying another man to pay off her father's debts.

Meanwhile, Tarzan suits up and follows her across an entire continent to rescue her from a forest fire that was presumably waiting around until the plot required it. Afterwards, he confesses his undying love for her, and Jane admits she feels the same way. But by this time she's engaged to Clayton, and because this is the 19th century there is absolutely nothing she can do about it.

Left on his own, Tarzan receives a telegram that reveals him as the rightful heir to Clayton's estate and all the property that comes with it (which includes Jane, because women are things). Instead of saying the word, kicking Clayton out of his own house and claiming Jane for tax purposes, he chooses to stay silent, thinking that Jane is happy being with Clayton. And... that's it. He simply sacrifices his happiness for Jane's misery.

#1.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Necrophilia

The Disney Happy Ending:

Children learn an important lesson in the actions of the celibate antagonist, Frollo: If you are sexually frustrated by a wayward gypsy, just set her on fire and everything will work itself out.


There's no way he doesn't have a boner right now.

Meanwhile, Quasimodo the hunchback watches from his bell tower, held back by chains but also by his crippling lack of self worth.

He busts free and rescues Esmeralda while Phoebus, the nearest Aryan man, starts smashing shit up and generally being the hero that all the pretty ladies will swoon for. The evil Frollo is cast into the flames that somehow always appear at the end of Disney films to consume the bad guys and Quasimodo gives Esmeralda to Phoebus, teaching us that a good heart and noble deeds don't mean shit if you're uglier than the inside of a hotdog. He is raised aloft by the crowd and carried through the streets in celebration.

The Original Ending:

Like Kipling, Victor Hugo wasn't big on that Hollywood bullshit.

In the original, Esmeralda has three potential suitors waiting to bump uglies, while Quasimodo is just some deaf, ugly retard watching her from his tower. She makes it very obvious to our hero that she finds him a hideous mess but he's smitten. One of the suitors, Phoebus, shows up and has his way with her. He then gets stabbed in the back by Frollo, who pins the attack on Esmeralda.

Instead of setting her on fire, Frollo arranges to have her hung in the public square. Then at the last minute she is rescued by...

...Nobody. She just dies.

After her death, Quasimodo tosses Frollo off the top of the goddamn cathedral before he sneaks into Esmeralda's grave and curls around her body. He lays there like that until he eventually dies of starvation.


Romance!

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