#10. Fist of the North Star
Fist of the North Star. If you were unfortunate enough to have ever played this game, I'm sorry. You controlled Ken, the master of Gento Karate, as he did complicated things like walk and fight. Sadly, this intricate plotline was actually pretty faithful to the Fist of the North Star story. You were constantly being attacked by the same two shirtless, mohawked guys, and unidentifiable objects would fall out of the sky at you. And while you were trying to get out of the way of those things, some of the bad guys would occasionally slide across the screen like Muppets trying to trip you. But don't worry, if you get killed, it's a welcome excuse to stop playing.
Ken has a punch and a kick, versatile attacks with the exact same range, and both of them kill any bad guy in one hit. The only difference is that the punch makes people explode. And not in a funny cartoon way. I mean, they grotesquely arch their backs as their internal organs start leaking out right before their entrails are splattered all over the street.
Hey. You're... you're exploding. What the fuck is going on here?
This graphic carnage is for mature gamers only. Or kids that like to eat snot, turn their eyelids inside out, make fart jokes or enjoy tearing the legs off of spiders.
The graphics, appropriately, are as disgusting as a human body exploding.
The whole game is exactly the same crap. If you can talk someone into actually playing this game, hit reset periodically to send them back to the beginning. They probably won't notice.
Flying Human Chunk Rating: 8
"The chunks of exploding people had good velocity, and held their shape well on the descent. However, they did lose a couple tenths of a point on artistic interpretation. The judges didn't feel they were let in on what the flying organs were feeling. What do you think Matt?" "Well, Jimmy, I agree. I thought those entrails were having a lot of fun out there. I liked the curl of the large intestines, and that liver really hit the sidewalk with authority. Overall, an outstanding performance from all of the competitors. This has been one of the finest Beefy Splat Olympics in decades."
#9. The Legend of Kage
The Legend of Kage. A brilliant game about saving another princess. You get to play the daring young firm ninja warrior, Kage, the last hope of Princess Kiri. You are treated to a short movie at the beginning of the game that tells you this intriguing story. A woman in a dress is walking alone next to a tree when a ninja flies through the air and grabs her. This four second film was going to be released in theaters, but Taito ran into copyright trouble with the tree.
Getting Princess Kiri away from the evil warlord, Yoshi, won't be easy. Mostly because your sword only has a range of two pixels, and you'll find yourself running into fire breathing monks on purpose just to watch your guy flop on the ground and die.
Kage has a 30-foot vertical leap, and he's only wearing one of Princess Kiri's pink robes. This means that the enemy ninjas on the ground forget where they are and stop attacking you to look up your dress. Use this to your advantage to get their phone numbers and/or hit them with your "Special Star Knives!"
Since this game is a set in an ancient period, they decided to use the graphics from the 14th century Atari 35 system. I'm sure everyone agrees that it helps the historical feeling of the game.
The only fun I had with this game was when I took it to this one sushi chef. He screamed, "Legend of Kage! Very bad! Show this cook job to you!" Then he chopped it up while he juggled butcher knives and served it over rice. Yeah, it tasted terrible and I could barely chew it, but I didn't tell him. Because he was holding big knives, and I was happy he helped me get rid of Legend of Kage. "Gootisusama desita!"
Ninja Rating: 7
While most ninjas are notorious for being silent assassins of the night, it's nice to see one who's not afraid to climb trees and wear neon dresses.
At first this seems like armless ninjas attacking a man with a ponytail who stole Athena's little dress, but it's actually a deadly battle of tree hopping fun.
The only thing that could make this ninja cooler is a big sombrero and a Tonka Truck T-shirt.
#8. Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure
Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure. I think this game was written by the Swedish Chef and programmed by Beaker. It was sort of like the Muppet Show except there were no songs, and nothing fun ever happened. It revolved around a group of Muppets who were trying to rescue Miss Piggy. She was "pignapped." Oh... ha ha. That's a little joke from the game. Ohhh... "pignapped"... ha.
Luckily, Miss Piggy got captured at a carnival, so the Muppets get to go on super fun rides and things to save her. The first is one where Kermit floats slowly down a river in an inner tube. It's about as fun as it sounds.
After that, one of the monster Muppets (I can't remember its name. I was always too busy watching the A-Team, Misfits of Science and V: The Final Battle to watch the damn Muppet Show.) drives a bumper car through a bomb filled obstacle course. It sounds dangerous, but if you go slow enough, it's laughably easy to never get hit by anything bad. But since the game is already boring enough, you'll probably just drive as fast as you can and not care if you hit a bomb. And you can take five hits before you die and you have nine lives, so I don't think there are enough bombs on the course to kill you anyway. It's a boring game. I didn't say it was hard.
Then you can play two other games that Animal programmed in an afternoon of screaming and banging on a computer keyboard. One had Gonzo flying through monotonous outer space, and the other was an exciting game where you moved Fozzie across the screen to pick up presents. Not only would no one ever consider playing through these boring things, who the fuck cares if Miss Piggy is missing? Couldn't they just find some other fat puppet to annoy everyone?
Yeah, they were bad, but not enough for me to have something funny to say about them. So I'll just say, "pignapped" again. Hee hee.
Here is a list of things one might say while playing the various Muppet games:
River Ride: "Golly. Kermit's coming up on a rock. Only have a fraction of a second. Better push left. Whew."
Car Course: "Goddamnit, when does this damn thing end?"
Space Ride: "Wow. I'm playing Muppet Adventure."
Amazing Maze: "Guess I'll move Fozzie over here. OK. Now I'll... eyes.... heavy... game... boring."
Fozzie grins and prepares to walk over to get the present. I don't know how in the hell you can mix two things as cool as puppets and Nintendo and come up with something so bad.
Medicinal Purposes: 8
This game is often prescribed by doctors and psychologists to cure insomnia. The CIA used to use Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure as a torture device until the court case of the People of Guatemala vs. CIA and Muppets found this to be cruel and unusual.
#7. Bad Street Brawler
After reading the game manual, I discovered that this game is the story of "DUKE DAVIS, former punk rocker and the world's coolest martial arts vigilante!" He stalks the streets attacking little circus men and puppies, making the world a safer place for non-circus freaks.
Using a girly punch, a break dancing thing that almost seems like it's trying to be a kick and a move I call "cower in fear," Duke Davis's adventures are described excitedly as, "send the bad guys reeling with furious fist & foot bashing action. It's non-stop martial arts madness! Nail the no-gooders today-and watch the street savages scatter!" The manual was written by a group of 10-year olds after being injected with high amounts of Moutain Dew.
Maybe it is completely terrible, but the game helps us become better people by giving us cute quotes before each level like, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you." These are very deep and meaningful unless you speak English. I'm not sure if they were supposed to mean something after you deciphered them, or if the programmer was just making fun of people that stutter. Either way, this game is bad enough that it should be offensive to most people regardless of their speech impediments.
I did like Duke Davis's yellow diaper, but that was the limit of the game's sex appeal. Unless you're into naked gorillas and puppies.
Sometimes the midget guys with the ball and chains would start flying around like helicopters. That's the only reason I didn't give this terrible game a zero.
Street Culture: 8
Bad Street Brawler really lets us see what life is like in the inner city. We experience all the pain, drama and danger of circus renegade infested areas.
Yeah, my guy was cowering in fear when I took that screen shot. But give me a break, that gorilla threw a really squishy banana at me.
MTV hailed this game as, "The most accurate portrayal of life on the streets since Dudes with Attitudes."
Mothers everywhere drove their pink Ferraris to the mall to get a copy of this game so their little girls would have something to play on the family Nintendo. Not only did it have all of the excitement the world of Barbie can offer, we got a chance to see inside her scary plastic head during the opening sequence:
"Wow, what a great book! I love reading about mermaids! But... yawn! I'm getting sleepy now. I need my rest-- tomorrow's a busy day! I'm having lunch at the soda shop... going swimming at the beach... meeting Ken at the party tomorrow... but... yawn! First I have to go to the mall and pick up that new outfit. So much to do..."
As you can tell, Barbie leads a full and rewarding life and hasn't had time to slip "Get a fucking education" in between "Go swimming," and "Eat at soda shop." I'm not sure which is more pathetic: a life that revolves around soda shops and malls, or playing a video game about a character whose life revolves around soda shops and malls.
The game itself was designed by someone with Barbie's intellectual capabilities, and consists of her fighting inanimate objects at the mall while bombarding the player with pink imagery.
The game did inspire me to start reading more about mermaids, though!
I can't really give you a good description of the graphics. It seemed like it was rude to stare at Barbie. All I know is that that there was a hell of a lot of pink and lots of flowers and shit.
It's not just because I'm a boy; this game really really sucks.
Girl Power: 0
This game was responsible for setting the woman's liberation movement back 30 years. Mattel later tried to publicly apologize by releasing a more modern intelligent Barbie product with, "Barbie's Biochemistry Lab(tm)." This made political gender situations even worse as the lab consisted of a set of pink test tubes, a heart shaped vinyl lab coat and instructions on making Kool-Aid. Four Mattel factories were firebombed by Leather Mamas, a gang of biker lesbians.