Seanbaby writes a weekly column here every Thursday. But many of you may not be aware that he also invented being funny on the Internet. He was one of the first people who ever made Cracked's editors laugh while looking at a computer screen. Below, we take a look back at his comprehensive guide to the 20 worst NES games of all-time.
Of all the games that inexplicably received the Nintendo Seal of Approval, these 20 stood out as the biggest mistakes. I don't know if the game making people were the nephews of the eccentric billionaire in charge of handing out the gold approval seals, or if Nintendo just didn't bother to check if the games sucked. All I know is that these 20 games are about as fun as swallowing bug-flavored glass. For each one, I'll give a brief description of exactly why it's bad then rate the Graphics and Fun on their own personal scale of one to 10. But you'll notice really fast that they all score horribly low, and these ratings are just excuses for me to make fun of more specific areas of the game.
This game was based on the adventures of Athena as she went on a quest to cure her boredom. She attempts this by walking sideways for a few hundred screens fighting potato bugs and guys that look like giraffes and pigs. You travel from "World of X" to "World of something else" until you can finally get it into Athena's head that she's never going to cure her boredom as long as she's stuck in this damn game.
If you take the time to look for the non-helpful secret items, you can unlock Athena's secret subgame I call "Dress up!" where you make Athena's clothes clash by putting a fluorescent green helmet on with her pink go-go dress. After this, I usually point at the screen and laugh at her lack of fashion sense until I am killed by a giraffe-headed man with a club. Then I curse myself for dirtying my Nintendo with the Athena cartridge.
The graphics add some challenge to the game as you spend most of your time trying to figure out what you're fighting. The masterfully designed visuals may lead to heated arguments with your friends as to whether or not a creature is a potato or a turd.
Athena struggles to hold her grotesquely large head up
as she prepares to bonk her menacing enemies with her
Athena is bored for a reason. I think it's because her game sucks.
Historical Accuracy: 10
This story of the ancient adventures of Athena, goddess of war and wisdom, is painstakingly accurate. The programmers did their research well, and were able to recreate the ancient Greek world of pig men down to the tiniest of details like the pink clubs and mini skirts. Hephaestus himself would think it was real.
Bible Adventures. A game mixing all the fun of learning about God with all the excitement of wandering around aimlessly. I know this game didn't actually get the coveted Nintendo Seal of Approval, but it's too bad to not mention here. This was an atrocity released by Wisdom Tree, a company who learned that making Christian-based games was the best way to hide their lack of programming skills. Christian children everywhere were disappointed when they received this game as a gift from parents who thought (like Wisdom Tree hoped they would) that mixing video games and Christ would help them learn the magic of Western mythology and grow up to be splendid citizens. The plan was flawless, and the Pope himself made a huge blue hat out of the strangely colored Bible Adventures cartridges. He was happy his sheep were finally able to praise Jesus through three gloriously unplayable games on a single baby blue colored NES cartridge!
There was Noah's Ark, Baby Moses and David and Goliath. They were all like Super Mario Brothers 2, except they had less action, more ridiculous goals and inspirational Bible quotes.
Noah's Ark was the highlight of the Bible Adventures experience, where you get to perform entertaining goals like dragging unwilling animals back to your boat for hours.
Very few historians knew about Noah's superhuman strength. Here he is holding three farm animals above his head to get in shape for the repopulation of Earth. Back then, fertility exercises involved lifting cows.
In Baby Moses, you get to carry Baby Moses above your head while spiders and guys with spears try to kill you. You can throw the baby at them, but no one gets hurt, and he just hits the ground smiling. The game usually degenerates into me throwing Baby Moses into a river to watch him slowly drown and pretending it was an accident. Yeah, the game knows I meant to, but it doesn't care. When you beat the level without him, it says, "Good Work! But you forgot Baby Moses!" So even if you kill Moses, you still feel good about yourself. And isn't that the way he would want it?
As far as the NES goes, the graphics aren't bad. But since almost all of your time will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the game looks like.
Aside from the baby's lack of buoyancy, there is nothing fun about this game. One might play it when they can't fit prayer time into their busy video gaming schedule, and I think you could use it to swear someone into the witness stand. "Please place your right hand in the air, and your left hand on Bible Adventures."
Jesus Power: 8
This cartridge is capable of performing small miracles like multiplying fish, resurrection and parting the sea. However, it is not to be subjected to extreme temperatures, and should be stored at room temperature in a clean, dry place.