Cracked Round-Up: Methamphetamine Edition

Productivity has been down lately, so corporate has decided to take a leaf out of small town America's book by turning our boiler room into a meth lab. So far, total daily word count is up by 800%. Fatal attacks on interns are also up but, hey, sometimes you've got to break a few eggs.


Cody envisioned a horrifying world in which your mother controls the Internet. Fortey investigated shameful pop culture relics while Bucholz talked to Justin Bieber about knife-fighting techniques. Brockway showed us the prequel to the BP spill, followed by Seanbaby's list of terrible MMA fights. Dan O'Brien capped the week with Cracked's obligatory Iron Man column.



SECRET
5 Silly Initiation Rituals of Famous Sinister Organizations

If these guys control the world, we might be OK afterall.



Notable Comment:

"I couldn't concentrate on this article, I'm just too distracted. I've been thinking more and more lately, "Where can I find an older woman, through a website, to date?" or "Where can I find brand name retail products at wholesale prices?" If only some fellow commenter could possibly help me, then maybe I could get back to reading these things "

Thanks, theguy77. Someone has to keep our spambots motivated.



SEXISM
6 Absurd Gender Stereotypes (That Science Says Are True)

Fuel for the war between the sexes, which isn't nearly as sexy as we'd imagined, but is a lot closer to what your parents and morning radio DJs always said.



Notable Comment:

"i don't ever want to drink shiner bock again after seeing that picture "

Don't be silly, carokube, Shiner is delicious.



SLOTH
5 Pop Culture Classics Created Out of Laziness

Art is 20% creativity, and 80% slapping shit together right before the deadline because you forgot to get the rights to something.



Notable Comment:

"Jar-Jar is awesome, don't be a player hater. "

TreyBot, you really should share your drugs with the rest of us.

CRIME
The 5 Most Half-Assed Apologies for Historic Crimes

We'd sacrifice years of our freedom and dignity for $20,000.



Notable Comment:

"Agreed - interesting and funny but when will writers try to research the "funny" asides more carefully? The Bee Gees were British, not Australian. "

Same difference, Squateague.



COCK-UP
The 19 Most Hilariously Failed Attempts at Sexy Album Covers

Years from now, future humans will look back on Prince as one of the greatest crimes in human history.



Notable Comment:

"Wow, my jaw is sore from yawning. This one was really sent in. "

We're not medical experts, nana, but jaw soreness rarely results from yawning. When viewed in the context of your earlier comment, "Wow, my knees are badly floor burned from not laughing at this article," we're fairly certain that your jaw soreness has more to do with your chosen profession, and also that you're doing it wrong.





LUNCH HOUR SKETCHES
Why Wizards Make Terrible Co-Workers
LIGHTNING BOLT


YOU YOU YOU!
If Pop Culture's Greatest Characters Wrote Tell-All Books

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Propaganda From Inside A Movie Universe..



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

5.13.10:

The day mankind realized the Amish should've never been allowed to see Transformers.
by RocketScientist

Editor's pick:

...what if we build a large wooden badger?
by Backinblack

5.12.10:

Unlike the kids who went the chocolate factory, children who went to Willy Wonka's steel mill weren't so lucky.
by Sombie89

Editor's pick:

Did you hear the one about the pedophile who broke his teeth?
by spud/A>

5.11.10:

I find your lack of pants disturbing.
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

A million voices cried out at once, and then the cops finally arrived.
by stangger

5.10.10:

Definitely not the droids we're looking for.
by Sericatus

Editor's pick:

Too bad Lando had to use a separate entrance.
by seannyb

5.09.10:

Are we poisonous? I just bit my tongue...
by ArtyMorty

Editor's pick:

When I was 8, this is what I thought Asians looked like.
by seannyb

5.08.10:

The citizens of Metropolis agree that the benefits of crime-free streets far outweigh the damages done by Superman's occasional drunken escapades.
by jallison

Editor's pick:

It looks bad, Doctor. This redness on her feet indicates a severe foot rash and possibly some broken blood vessels. Also, she's dead.
by Redway

4.07.10:

Say what you will, but it got me out of jury duty.
by JasonGill

Editor's pick:

Something tells me the circumstances have to be VERY special for her to get an orgasm.
by Mr.Excalibur

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