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Since it seems like every movie star, athlete and politician is just a sex scandal waiting to happen, you could almost think that it's not possible to be a prominent person without also having an utterly depraved sex life behind the scenes.

And looking back at the great men of history... we're starting to wonder if that's right on the money.

6Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein, Time magazine's man of the century, is simply the most famous scientist in the history of the planet. He was the first to postulate the theory of relativity, he convinced FDR to build the atomic bomb, he was offered the chance to be the first president of Israel and is considered the father of modern physics. You wouldn't automatically think of a physics geek as getting more ass than a toilet seat, but...

But Behind Closed Doors...

When he wasn't sciencing the shit out of everything, Einstein spent his time postulating his wiener into as many women as possible. Even though he was married twice (once to his cousin), he cheated on both of his wives with about 10 different women. Though in his defense, he presented his first wife with a list of rules, one of which was "expect neither intimacy nor fidelity."


"Pipes, however, are to be expected."

Before Einstein finally settled on his cousin Elsa, he apparently almost married her 22-year-old daughter instead (Elsa was his first cousin through his mother's side AND second cousin through his father's side. In addition to the theory of relativity, Einstein was the only human capable of conceptualizing the branches of his own family tree that he had sex with). Then he supposedly got some side action from Elsa's sister when they were younger, which he defended in a letter to Elsa by pointing out "You can't blame me; we were young and she was willing."

We imagine he used the same defense when he was caught boning his best friend's niece years later.


"See those women down there? I've just decided to pork them all."

Einstein would also write to his stepdaughter and wife to tell them which women he was currently sexifying, and sometimes had his stepdaughter act as a messenger to deliver letters to his mistresses, because if you're going to not give a fuck you might as well go all the way.

5Mozart

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was such a prodigy that he began writing symphonies at age five, which our male readers may remember as the age when they still didn't understand the difference between poop and finger paint. Also he was the greatest composer ever.

But Behind Closed Doors...

When Mozart wasn't writing one of his 600 masterpieces he was writing letters to his female cousin, the contents of which were usually in a basic rhyme scheme and seriously screwed up. There are tons of snippets to choose from out there, but nothing quite sums up Mozart's dirtiness as well as when he told his cousin that he wanted to "shit on her nose" and watch it "drip down her chin."


Falco was forced to remove this verse from "Rock Me Amadeus."

He would also send letters to his own mother, who thought it was great fun and would often write him back in the same vein. Much like the above letter and the one running down a shrimp's back, this vein contained way more poop than you'd expect. One of his letters to his mom included the passage "Yesterday, though, we heard the king of farts/ It smelled as sweet as honey tarts/ While it wasn't in the strongest of voice/ It still came on as a powerful noise." Another ended with "I now wish you goodnight, shit in your bed with all your might, sleep with peace on your mind and try to kiss your own behind. [...] Oh my ass burns like fire! What on earth is the meaning of this! ---- maybe muck wants to come out? yes, yes, muck..."

The same genius that wrote "Piano Concerto No 24 in C Minor" also wrote a gem called "Lick My Ass," a classical party ballad meant to be sung by six people at a time, and followed it up with a sequel called "Lick My Ass Nice and Clean," the lyrics of which we have included below:

Lick my ass nicely,
lick it nice and clean,
nice and clean, lick my ass.
That's a greasy desire,
nicely buttered,
like the licking of roast meat, my daily activity.
Three will lick more than two,
come on, just try it,
and lick, lick, lick.
Everybody lick his own ass himself.

We figure it's only a matter of time until this song gets remixed by T-Pain.

4James Joyce

James Joyce is regarded as one of the most important writers of the 1900s and his novel Ulysses is considered the epitome of Modernist literature.


More importantly, he had a goddamn eye patch.

But Behind Closed Doors...

Joyce's devoted fan base was treated to a look inside his mind when a collection of letters he wrote to his wife were published in 1975. But you see, Joyce lived in an era before cell phones, webcams or Internet porn, so when he was away from his wife they'd send each other dirty letters, probably because the erotic telegraph tended to produce confusing messages.


"Harder. Stop. Deeper. Stop. Don't Stop. Stop."

Well, that's pretty tame stuff. It's his wife, after all. Though Joyce liked to start his letters off with a bang, so rather than "To Whom It May Concern," we get opening lines like "My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter." This is followed by "I wish you would smack me or flog me even. Not in play, dear, in earnest and on my naked flesh. I wish you were strong, strong, dear, and had a big full proud bosom and big fat thighs. I would love to be whipped by you, Nora love!"

OK, still not that bad...

"At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole."

Huh. That's, uh... whose idea was it to release these letters again?

"It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also. "


Now we know how he lost that eye.

3Percy Grainger

Percy Grainger was one of the greatest symphony composers of the past century, bringing home the modern equivalent of $3 million a year, which is serious money in the composer world. His innovations became common in orchestras in the decades after.

Also, Grainger married his wife on stage at the Hollywood Bowl in front of 20,000 people and a 126 member orchestra that performed a song he had written just for her.

Ah, they don't make romantics like that anymore.

But Behind Closed Doors...

When Grainger died, he nobly left most of his money to the University of Melbourne. He also donated countless photos of himself, 83 whips and a pair of his own blood-soaked shorts, because was reeeeaaaallllyy into S & M.

He covered the walls and ceiling of his bedroom with mirrors so he could watch his wife beat the shit out of him. Afterwards, he would use the mirrors to take pictures of the bloody aftermath from every angle imaginable and document the picture with details like the camera settings, date, location (where the whipping went down) and what whip was used to flay him.


Predictably, he also noted the time signature of each beating so that it could be played back on a synthesizer.

2T.E. Lawrence aka Lawrence of Arabia

Lieutenant Colonel Thomas Edward Lawrence, better known as Lawrence of Arabia, was an officer in the British Army who ended up playing a major role in the Arab Revolt against the Ottoman Turks. He was a talented author, a competent statesman, a born leader and a war hero. Also, the movie based on his life is one of the most successful and well-known films of all time:

But Behind Closed Doors...

When he wasn't conquering Damascus or promoting independent Arab nations, Lawrence was pitching tents in the desert courtesy of a man named John Bruce. Lawrence would pay Bruce to whip him with a stick and then write up a detailed account of the beating.

Well, we all have our weird turn-ons. But here's where it gets a bit creepy:

Lawrence wrote an autobiographical book called The Seven Pillars of Wisdom in 1922. It contains a graphic and, uh, extremely detailed scene in which Lawrence is captured by the Turks and then brutally raped. Scholars now think that event never actually happened, and that his group rape and torture by Turkish soldiers was a bit of erotic slash fiction.

Starring himself.

1Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Rousseau was one of the most influential philosophers of all time. His work The Social Contract was one of the primary inspiring documents for the Declaration of Independence and strongly shaped the Constitution.


By proxy, it is also responsible for The Patriot.

But Behind Closed Doors...

When Rousseau released his autobiography, you might think he would hold back on certain details considering he was still alive at the time and couldn't hide behind the whole "dead" thing to protect himself from painfully incriminating embarrassment. Of course that would be boring, so Rousseau decided on full disclosure and focused a lot on how he loved nothing more than being spanked.


"Nothing, not even this ascot."

He attributed the development of his spanking fetish to when he was eight-years old, when he got spanked by his adopted mother, saying, "Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight-years old, from the hands of a woman of 30, should influence my propensities, my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected?"

While a spanking fetish isn't exactly the most nefarious thing in the world, Rousseau was such spank-crazed bastard that he simply couldn't control his urges. While the man was living as a drifter, he would drop his pants and run ass-first at any females that happened by in hopes of getting smacked. We're guessing that most people's reaction to a bare ass charging full-steam towards them isn't going to be to spank it. Then again, maybe if you try it enough times...

Clive Jameson is a writer for hire who'll gladly listen to any freelance writing requests via his Cracked profile.

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It's obvious that to be a great historical feature you need to be a sexual deviant. Find out what your dirty fetish is in 5 Ridiculous (Safe for Work) Fetishes and An Illustrated Look at the World's 25 Strangest Fetishes.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 05.26.10) to see Brockway demonstrate his fetish involving Cheez Whiz.

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