Aliens, as we all know, was the brave story of a woman trying to retain her beauty and confidence despite her crippling case of acid reflux disease.
If you never saw the made-for-TV Ewoks: Battle for Endor, let us just assure you that it doesn't feature a deformed Han Solo blowing away sword-wielding ape-demons. Something that awesome never even comes close to happening in this movie. Things that awesome don't even sit at the same table in the cafeteria as this movie. Things that awesome are actually required to stay 100 feet away from this movie at all times.
This is a prime example of taking one scene entirely out of context and basing all of your marketing around that. In this case, Aviator appears to be an action movie about World War II era stunt pilots trying to kill the desert with kamikaze missions. In fact most of the movie was about Leonardo DiCaprio pissing in jars. But hell, we're not going to argue with a movie that won so many awards it had to dedicate half of its poster space to praise. Just look at all those prizes; someone should give them a prize for winning so much.
If you can't throw a robot on an Asian movie poster, at the very least you can imply it all takes place in the Matrix.
The Day the Earth Stood Still was a harsh critique of humanity's tendency to resort to violence before asking questions. A friendly alien of the non-anal probing kind arrives with a message for mankind, so we immediately try to kill it. But along the way, we learn the alien is a pacifist who eventually puts us back in touch with nature and kindness.
Well, fuck that!
If you want to have a blockbuster you need action, war, eye-lasers, giant robots, a damsel in distress and the implication of a Galactus-scale giant monkey who wants to slam dunk the Earth into slavery.
"Quick we need a poster for a movie called Road Warrior!"
"Well, I have this half finished Rambo drawing..."
"Ha ha, shit! That is terrible, what do you have, spinal meningitis?"
"Shut up! I had a hard time to start with: Somebody had already drawn a sassy Latino woman on my canvas. Frankly I'm astounded I got it as close to Rambo as I did."
"Well, hell, might as well go whole hog. Throw in Hugo Weaving having a stroke in a thunderstorm and let's just hope the confusion attracts the stoner crowd."
Crocodile Dundee was a light-hearted movie, sure, but at no point was it anything resembling an installment of Curious George where The Man in the Yellow Hat takes LSD, hallucinates multi-colored reptiles and abducts a black woman.
This article is over; we have a screenplay to write!
For more of Jack's writing, visit http://humor.gunaxin.com/author/jack/
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For more confusing posters, check out Lost In Translation: 20 Baffling Foreign Movie Posters. Or check out some questionable record names, in The 20 Worst Album Titles of All Time.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 05.26.10) to see our rendition of The Phantom Menace's movie poster (it features a Rancor eating Jar Jar).