#4. Cop Pays Kid for Beanball
Throwing brushbacks and beanballs to intimidate batters have a long and dubious history in professional baseball. Major League pitchers have been known to rocket the ball directly into someone's face to settle scores.
And to field test Sammy Sosa's helmets.
While the stakes shouldn't be anywhere near as high in little league games, that didn't prevent one of Pennsylvania's finest from bribing a 10-year-old to peg one of the players on the other team. Police Officer Shawn Patrick Philips, who was on duty at the time, paid the pint-size hurler two dollars to clip a clean-up batter with a fastball. The exchange reportedly went down behind the elementary school bike racks. We are not making this up.
"And put some stank on it!"
Sure enough, the kid beaned his opponent, and the cop forked over the two bucks. Then he got caught.
The jury apparently didn't buy Philip's claims that he was "only joking" and had given the player the $2 for listening to his pitching tips or that the kid was the target of a major undercover sting operation. Philips was convicted of corruption of minors and solicitation to commit simple assault. The pitcher learned a valuable, symbolic lesson about sports and the world of grownups in general.
#3. The Topless Hockey Mom
Ripping on the fans of the opposing team is essentially a sports tradition, and hockey is probably the sport with the most rabidly aggressive players and fanbase in the United States, probably because they know nobody is watching them.
These guys might as well be invisible.
However, one Toronto mom decided it was high time the world took notice. During a match-up of rival pee-wee teams the York Toros and Mississauga Terriers, the crowd of parents, understandably rowdy after being stirred up by the intensity only prepubescent hockey players can bring, had been trading verbal blows all night. Then, in a move that left the league president "aghast," the hockey mom in question lifted her blouse and heroically taunted fans of the opposing team by shaking her breasts.
The unnamed mother was subsequently banned from attending league games for a year, but her kid's team, the York Toros, wound up winning 4-0, presumably because their opponents, the Mississauga Terriers, had accepted a bribe of boobtastic nudity.
#2. The Human Pyramid of Shame
The urge to brag about their children is fairly strong in most parents, regardless of whether or not their little bastards have any unique talents worth praising. Of course, preening sports parents are no different, but bragging on the sidelines can be a dangerous game. When one child's triumph is another's crippling display of failure, the line between earnest celebration and dirty assholery becomes pretty blurry.
"Sure we won, but more importantly you fucking lost."
For example, to celebrate their kids' shutout over the Lacey Bobcats, parents of elementary school players from Yelm, WA formed a human pyramid on the field, presumably in an attempt to form a Voltron of parental douchebaggery. This was only the beginning.
Apparently a parent from the losing football team thought the whole pyramid thing was a slap in the face, so she charged the flesh pyramid and starting beating the shit out of people with her umbrella.
Within seconds of her attack, about 15 others joined in the melee that eventually sent one man to the hospital with a neck injury. Two women, a teenager and one in her 50s, were arrested for assault. It is unknown whether or not the melee took place with both sides forming human battle pyramids, but hopefully they did and hopefully there is video somewhere.
#1. The Case of the Cheerleader and the Hitman
Considering this one has been the subject of not one, but two separate TV movies, you know it's going to be good.
She had to be in one of them.
Hoping to spare her daughter the pain and humiliation of being passed over by her junior high cheerleading squad, Wanda Holloway took aim at her daughter's cheerleading rival. She needed the other girl to drop out of the running, but how? Send her threatening notes? Vandalize her home?
Nah, not good enough. No, she decided the best thing to do would be to arrange for a hitman to kill the girl's mother. Holloway figured a 13-year-old girl would be so rattled over her mom's death that she wouldn't feel like cheerleading.
"Wait, you want me to do what?"
Thankfully, the plan fell through, as often happens with plans made by people too crazy to tie their own shoes. Holloway was convicted of solicitation of capital murder, but after serving six months of her 10-year sentence the judge ordered that she finish the remaining nine and a half years on probation.
Eh, it should be fine. Six months is long enough to cure that kind of crazy, right?
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To find out why these assholes act like this, check out 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. Or learn about some famous jerks in 7 Beloved Celebrities And The Awful Shit You Forgot They Did.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated today! Shit!) to see Brockway stealing candy from a baby.