#9. Bros - Chocolate Box
Word to the wise: The meaning of your album's title can change based on the album cover. For example, the album's song of the same name reveals that the title "Chocolate Box" refers to the singer telling some fine woman that he does not want to be treated like "the first chocolate in the box" before she moves on to some other dude. But we don't care who you are, where you're from, or how open-minded you are about sexuality: When you see that picture, you're forced to assume "chocolate box" is referring to a dude's butthole.
#8. Ted Nugent - Love Grenade (Pre-release)
Shortly after taking this picture, Ted Nugent was shot and killed by Clarice Starling. And just what the hell is a "love grenade" anyway? It's just a regular grenade, isn't it, Ted? ISN'T IT!?
#7. Trina - Da Baddest Bitch
We're certainly not going to doubt Trina's qualifications as "da baddest b***h," but we do have some questions regarding her medical credentials. Even a first year medical student knows that administering a shock with a defibrillator during sexual intercourse is the leading cause of vaginal electrocution in the United States.
Also, while having sex with someone until their heart stops is at least understandable in the realms of sexual braggadocio, it appears that Trina has somehow sexed this man into suffering a fatal head wound. We're pretty sure that means you're doing something wrong.
#6. Whitensnake - Lovehunter
There's a lot going on in this album cover, and all of it is awesome. But what you can't see is what happened moments later. The snake actually got this woman pregnant. Nine months later, she gave birth to a full-size 1978 Ford Econoline Van with an airbrushed picture of a Viking riding a fire breathing dragon through the night sky on the side of it.
#5. Cerrone - Cerrone's Paradise
This is either one of the worst album covers ever or the best refrigerator ad of all time. Either way, Cerrone certainly isn't aiming too high when it comes to his idea of paradise. Most people dream up some utopia that is completely unachievable. Cerrone, on the other hand, is a bathroom remodel and a kidnapping away from living in the world he's always yearned for. It's admirable, really.
#4. Madonna - Hard Candy
Look, we think it's bullshit that the mass media has decided that women over 30 can't be attractive without extensive surgery. But Madonna was 49-freaking-years old when this picture was taken, and dammit, that is past the time when you should be shoving your lycra-covered crotch into the camera. There have to be more dignified ways to show off your mature sexuality. Your grandchildren should not have to see grandma spread-eagle in lace-up boots.
#3. C.J. & Co. - Devil's Gun
Wait, is that really the devil's gun? Because it looks like one of those T-shirt guns that they break out during half time at NBA games. And does the devil even need a gun? Is this what's keeping man from finally winning the eternal battle between good versus evil that burns inside us all? We're too intimidated by the devil's freaking potato gun to take him on? This cover is full of logical flaws.
And just like that, there goes our erection. Great.
#2. HOT R.S. - Forbidden Fruit
What's more disgusting than finding a worm in your apple? Biting into it and finding two tiny people boning.
#1. Diebold & Co. - Set Me Free
Take a look at this. A long look. Keep looking...
"What? What am I supposed to be seeing here, Cracked? All I see is OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FOREHEAD!?"
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And stop by our Top Picks (Updated Today! Shit!) to see David Wong's reenactment of the Lovesexy cover.