It's a scientific fact that you're more likely to buy something if the advertising features someone you'd like to bone, be it a Victoria's Secret commercial or the cover of a box of sexy, sexy Cheerios.
The recording industry knows this, but sometimes forgets that not every musician is suitable for the role of sexy cover model. So, we get unintentionally hilarious/horrifying results like...
#19. Music to Massage Your Mate By
Really? We're honestly supposed to believe that a massage is all this creepy bastard has on his mind? This album should be called Music to Drug Some Woman You Meet At a Bar So You Can Take Her Home and Chain Her Up in Your Rape Dungeon For Six Months At Which Point You Mistakenly Begin to Believe Has Developed Feelings For You So You Unchain Her and She Escapes and the Police Arrest You and Find Sixteen Skulls Buried Under Your Front Porch By.
And we don't even want to know what's in the "Illustrated Instruction Booklet" that comes with it.
#18. Rick James - Throwin' Down
Question: Why is Rick James wearing Conan the Barbarian's loincloth, a UFC championship belt, leather studded legwarmers and greased up with a half quart of body oil? All while chilling in a dungeon and wielding a bleeding guitar stolen from Gene Simmons?
Answer: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
#17. Jim Post - I Love My Life
"Yeah, so we were all camping and one morning, we thought it would be funny to snap a picture of Jim while he was in the shower, right? So we walk up to him, tap him on the shoulder and just as he turned around this huge rat somehow leaps into the frame and passes right under his nose when we took the picture! Yeah, he looks like he has the most ridiculous mustache ever in the picture. Classic."
#16. Prince - Lovesexy
Is it just us, or is Prince is the only person who looks less manly when he's not wearing lady clothes? See, this is why Prince is a national treasure who we will deeply miss when he's gone; he's the one man on Earth who has heard the phrase, "Hey, buddy, we'd be less uncomfortable over here if you'd put on a ruffled lace shirt and a pair of assless crushed velvet bell bottoms."
#15. John Travolta - Can't Let You Go
Yes, this is THAT John Travolta. We're not sure what Travolta was going for, but he looks like the kid on the cover of U2's Boy album...
...if that kid had been kidnapped and police released one of those computer age progression photos to show us what he would look like 20 years later.
#14. Orleans - Waking and Dreaming
It's interesting how you can tell whether someone is naked versus merely topless, even if the photo only shows them waist-up. Because these men are nude. You know they are. They're not even wearing socks.
Clues? The guy in the middle is looking down at his friend's junk. What do you find so interesting, Mr. Beard? Are you impressed by his personal grooming? Is he aroused? We shall never know.
#13. Adam Lambert - For Your Entertainment
So you groggily wake up with a terrible hangover, you roll over in bed and see this.
As with the above cover, you can just sense the nudity here. Naked, with maybe a pair of moon boots on. We're guessing Adam posed for this assuming it was going to be a full-body shot on the cover, and the record company cropped it down as far as they could to minimize the horror.
#12. Herbie Mann - Push Push
First of all, holy shit, is that Nicolas Cage? Probably not, but between the chest hair and the seductive stare, we find it hard to believe he's just got music on his mind, album cover or not. Hope that flute is as lubed up as his chest is!
#11. Tino Fernandez - Por Primera Vez
Has a dude striking this pose ever been considered sexy even once in the history of ever? It's a little known fact that being photographed in this position is actually illegal in 38 states unless you have a mustache, a contract with Playgirl and an 11-inch wang.
We would like to know where we can buy a pair of those shorts though.
#10. Cher - Take Me Home
Nothing turns on a man like metal lingerie that, by our count, has 13 different points capable of tearing open your scrotum if she makes an unexpected move.