Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Through no fault of their own, funerals are some of the lamest parties ever thrown. You have all your friends and family together but because there's a corpse in the room, the whole thing is a bit of a downer. Imagine what it's like to be Al Gore; that's what it's like to be at a funeral, and that's just when things go according to plan. But just as with buying a new home or getting tested for VD, sometimes things go horribly awry. So if you can avoid these things, do so.

7
Commit Sympathetic Suicide

valentino-rudolph

Back in your grandmother's day, Rudolph Valentino was widely considered the greatest thing since sliced bread, which, having just replaced punching a loaf of bread with a fistful of salami, was still pretty hot. Valentino was one of the biggest silent film stars in the world, which meant he had to carry an entire story based on how intensely he could grimace, stare ominously and make that face you make when you really have to go to the can.

To many women at the time, Rudolph Valentino was what you would get if you mixed Brad Pitt with low-fat yogurt and expensive shoes--these being the three main things women love, as I understand it. So when he died all of a sudden at age 31, people lost their minds. One hundred thousand New Yorkers lined the streets for his funeral, broke windows to try to get in to see the body and some fans, totally unable to cope with the monumental loss of a person they had never met or, you know, heard speak, tried to off themselves.

Check it out baby, I got no nipples.

Two women attempted to kill themselves in front of the hospital where Valentino had died, and elsewhere it's said a boy decided to lay down with some of the actor's photos and take his own life, presumably with cyanide or a velveteen hammer. A 27-year-old actress poisoned herself at a friend's apartment, surrounded by photos of Valentino and letters she'd written to him, which we'll go into more detail in our article: The Five Most Inconsiderate House Guests of All-Time.

6
Use the Wrong Body

rocky

Funerals are often pretty formulaic and if you've been to one, you have a good idea of how to prepare for any other one you're apt to go to. There's a somber mood and a certain degree of acceptable flirting with hot strangers depending on how close to you the deceased was. You've got your finger sandwiches and, generally, the right dead person. Those last two are super important. Science says the smaller or larger you make a sandwich, the more awesome it becomes. Oh, and the corpse should be someone you know.

When Kenneth "Tex" Roberts passed on, the funeral home had one of those zany incidents where they store all the bodies together, presumably in a ball pit or something, so when they went to get him ready, they pulled out the wrong dude and dressed him in Roberts' clothes. So the dead guys were all naked in that pit, too. Rough deal.

Every year, Chuck E. Cheese loses about a dozen kids to ball pit fatalities.

Roberts' widow pointed out, upon seeing the body, that it wasn't her husband. However, an adept funeral home employee pointed out "that's how you look when you die" and things went ahead. So for future reference, you look exactly like a different dead guy when you die. Remember that.

Before the service began, the funeral director noticed the mistake and raced to the rescue, pointing out that Roberts was not the man in the casket--in fact he was at a totally different funeral home. It was at this point crying, asthma attacks and seizures began.

Luckily they were able to go get the real Roberts and drive him back lickety split. The fact the drivers were in such a hurry that Roberts popped out of his casket a little bit so that his legs were hanging all willy-nilly probably did very little to calm anyone down though.

Continue Reading Below

5
Plagiarize Your Own Eulogy

eulogy

You know what's probably awesome? Irony. We learned what it means from Alanis Morissette so our grasp is tenuous at best, but when it plays out over life and death situations it can get pretty trippy.

Brian Moore, a high school athlete, had to whip up something to say before the Fellowship of Christian Athletes; a group of Jesus-lovers who may or may not have traveled Middle Earth. What he came up with was an essay called "The Room" and it was one hell of a story. It detailed how the boy met Jesus in a room full of file cards, and each card detailed something about his life. Basically, it was his view of Heaven and covered how ashamed he feels when confronted with all his wrong doings in life. Two months after he wrote it, he died.

Pictured: Actual Heaven. And it's totally awesome.

The essay was read at his funeral, and sometime later the local paper reprinted it because it was that good. It was around this time that people who had read the essay two years earlier in a magazine sent a friendly note to the paper pointing out that the real author was a guy named Joshua Harris.

Moore, who had been built up so much by his community as a brilliant student and writer, an exceptional athlete and a wonderful person, was also a bit of a plagiarist. He stole the essay and presented it to the Fellowship as his own. God knows what happened to them if that's all they had when the Balrog attacked, but it probably ended with something prolapsed.

4
Go Cheap to be Eco-Friendly

captain-planet

Turns out the baby boomer generation that sexed most of our readers into the world love the environment almost as much as they love having sex with one another (which incidentally is like so much you don't even know). What you may not have noticed is that, like the free love movement, the elder generation's rush to save the environment has gotten a lot more horrifying as they've gotten older.

The truly cheap/eco-friendly amongst them can forgo old standbys like embalming and wood boxes and instead get popped right into a cardboard box, dropped in the ground and marked by a freshly planted tree that will grow strong as it saps nutrients out of your decaying, pulpy, cardboardy grossness under the ground.

Oh man, I totally forgot that's why we don't bury people in the pet cemetery. Durr!

When Claire Wallerstein decided to have her father buried in an eco-friendly manner, she probably wanted all that stuff to occur. The fact that eco plots are hard to come by and thus her father got put to rest a couple of steps away from a pet cemetery was probably not in the brochure, however.

She also didn't plan on her dad being stored in a freezer for a few days and then being unavailable for the planned viewing since humans, much like a Fudgsicle, need to be put away if you want to enjoy them later.

It also turns out that if you want to use a tree as a grave marker, you need to let the earth settle for a while after the burial. So you have to come back a few months later and then plant it. This in turn means that, if no one took the time to jam a stick in the ground to mark the grave in the meantime, you're going to spend your afternoon counting paces from the nearest parrot grave, trying to remember where you buried that box your dad was in.

Continue Reading Below

3
Cremate the Wrong Body

burnt-steak

While a missing body at the funeral is a pain in the ass, they generally tend to turn up since they're usually right where you left them. Except when someone lights them on fire.

Like misplacing your keys and then finding out someone else in the house reduced them to ash, occasionally funeral home workers will mix up bodies and put one in a casket while they cremate another, which is the exact opposite of what was intended. It's like a hilariously morbid episode of Three's Company that haunts the nightmares of all involved. So like most episodes with the Ropers.

The spinoff is a great idea! But let's call it "The Ropers" instead of "Sea Hag and the Goblin."

So how do you mix up bodies? How did Aurelie Germaine Tuccillo end up cremated when her family had been expecting to bury her, and someone else end up in her casket? Pop culture assures us that funeral homes, such as those in Six Feet Under and Phantasm, are nothing if not zany and full of homicidal dwarves. The funeral home in question only issued a statement of regret and condolences regarding the "incident," so we're forced to assume the workers got loaded the night before and played "Spin the Cadaver" and lost track of who was who in the fray.

2
Beat Up the Corpse

fight-club-brad-pit-tyler

There's some saying or other about beating dead horses, but we've been advised to avoid pissing PETA off. So instead, let's focus on what happens when a random drifter happens upon a funeral and decides to duke it out with the dearly departed in what would be a hilarious scene in a Will Ferrell movie yet in real life was probably just horrifying. Really, there's no reason to laugh.

Back in 2007, Timothy Cleary, out for a stroll, made his way to the Harvest Baptist Church where a funeral was taking place. I like to think he saw the open casket and thought something along the lines of "holy cow I'm insane!" then burst into a wind sprint and leapt on the corpse before raining down blows. Mourners, not fans of Will Ferrell-style comedy, then attacked Cleary and pulled him off the dead man before calling 911.

People actually ask him to come and beat up corpses.

Turns out Cleary didn't know the deceased and police weren't readily able to come up with a reason for the attack. Likely the responding officers were too busy trying to decide whether or not Cleary was batshit insane or simply crazier than a shithouse rat.

Continue Reading Below

1
Piss Off Minority Mourners

1032934092_4302f23453

If you feel like oppressing a minority, timing is always essential. For instance, if you feel like raiding a gay bar, don't do it on the day of Judy Garland's funeral. Back in 1969, that's exactly what happened at the Stonewall Inn, and it led to a historic riot. On the surface, rioting is never a good thing, especially one as violent as Stonewall. But we can always get behind a bunch of homophobes getting their ass handed to them by guys they nicknamed Nancy in high school.

Judy Garland, who you may know as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and possibly as numerous dudes who dress up as her, became a gay icon through some means Wikipedia has been unable to explain to us. Shortly after her death, police raided the Stonewall Inn, a popular New York gay bar, intent on rounding up some lesbians and cross dressers because in the 60s, those were apparently the worst things happening in New York.

Actual photo of a 1960s gay bar. It was a very colorful time.

Instead what happened was a mob formed as the cops waited for backup and as quick as a lesbian can style her mullet, shit got decidedly real. While cops brutalized the people they had taken into custody, the crowd, which had grown to around 500 people, threw down. Bottles flew along with bricks, fists and fabulous shoes. Many cops had to give up beating on people with their clubs and simply run away while others barricaded themselves in the bar.

In interviews after the fact, participants expressed that it was a combination of the loss of Judy Garland and the desire to not be beaten mercilessly that triggered the event. Hard to say which one of those two was more at the forefront in the minds of those present. The fact that Garland's death had anything to do with the riots that most historians credit with the entire gay rights movement is both remarkable, and the second example that New Yorkers take the deaths of actors extremely seriously.

Check out more from Fortey, in The 8 Most Insulting Attempts to Raise Money for a Cause and 12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

466 Comments

Load Comments