5Plagiarize Your Own Eulogy
You know what's probably awesome? Irony. We learned what it means from Alanis Morissette so our grasp is tenuous at best, but when it plays out over life and death situations it can get pretty trippy.
Brian Moore, a high school athlete, had to whip up something to say before the Fellowship of Christian Athletes; a group of Jesus-lovers who may or may not have traveled Middle Earth. What he came up with was an essay called "The Room" and it was one hell of a story. It detailed how the boy met Jesus in a room full of file cards, and each card detailed something about his life. Basically, it was his view of Heaven and covered how ashamed he feels when confronted with all his wrong doings in life. Two months after he wrote it, he died.
Pictured: Actual Heaven. And it's totally awesome.
The essay was read at his funeral, and sometime later the local paper reprinted it because it was that good. It was around this time that people who had read the essay two years earlier in a magazine sent a friendly note to the paper pointing out that the real author was a guy named Joshua Harris.
Moore, who had been built up so much by his community as a brilliant student and writer, an exceptional athlete and a wonderful person, was also a bit of a plagiarist. He stole the essay and presented it to the Fellowship as his own. God knows what happened to them if that's all they had when the Balrog attacked, but it probably ended with something prolapsed.
4Go Cheap to be Eco-Friendly
Turns out the baby boomer generation that sexed most of our readers into the world love the environment almost as much as they love having sex with one another (which incidentally is like so much you don't even know). What you may not have noticed is that, like the free love movement, the elder generation's rush to save the environment has gotten a lot more horrifying as they've gotten older.
The truly cheap/eco-friendly amongst them can forgo old standbys like embalming and wood boxes and instead get popped right into a cardboard box, dropped in the ground and marked by a freshly planted tree that will grow strong as it saps nutrients out of your decaying, pulpy, cardboardy grossness under the ground.
Oh man, I totally forgot that's why we don't bury people in the pet cemetery. Durr!
When Claire Wallerstein decided to have her father buried in an eco-friendly manner, she probably wanted all that stuff to occur. The fact that eco plots are hard to come by and thus her father got put to rest a couple of steps away from a pet cemetery was probably not in the brochure, however.
She also didn't plan on her dad being stored in a freezer for a few days and then being unavailable for the planned viewing since humans, much like a Fudgsicle, need to be put away if you want to enjoy them later.
It also turns out that if you want to use a tree as a grave marker, you need to let the earth settle for a while after the burial. So you have to come back a few months later and then plant it. This in turn means that, if no one took the time to jam a stick in the ground to mark the grave in the meantime, you're going to spend your afternoon counting paces from the nearest parrot grave, trying to remember where you buried that box your dad was in.