Through no fault of their own, funerals are some of the lamest parties ever thrown. You have all your friends and family together but because there's a corpse in the room, the whole thing is a bit of a downer. Imagine what it's like to be Al Gore; that's what it's like to be at a funeral, and that's just when things go according to plan. But just as with buying a new home or getting tested for VD, sometimes things go horribly awry. So if you can avoid these things, do so.
7Commit Sympathetic Suicide
Back in your grandmother's day, Rudolph Valentino was widely considered the greatest thing since sliced bread, which, having just replaced punching a loaf of bread with a fistful of salami, was still pretty hot. Valentino was one of the biggest silent film stars in the world, which meant he had to carry an entire story based on how intensely he could grimace, stare ominously and make that face you make when you really have to go to the can.
To many women at the time, Rudolph Valentino was what you would get if you mixed Brad Pitt with low-fat yogurt and expensive shoes--these being the three main things women love, as I understand it. So when he died all of a sudden at age 31, people lost their minds. One hundred thousand New Yorkers lined the streets for his funeral, broke windows to try to get in to see the body and some fans, totally unable to cope with the monumental loss of a person they had never met or, you know, heard speak, tried to off themselves.
Check it out baby, I got no nipples.
Two women attempted to kill themselves in front of the hospital where Valentino had died, and elsewhere it's said a boy decided to lay down with some of the actor's photos and take his own life, presumably with cyanide or a velveteen hammer. A 27-year-old actress poisoned herself at a friend's apartment, surrounded by photos of Valentino and letters she'd written to him, which we'll go into more detail in our article: The Five Most Inconsiderate House Guests of All-Time.
6Use the Wrong Body
Funerals are often pretty formulaic and if you've been to one, you have a good idea of how to prepare for any other one you're apt to go to. There's a somber mood and a certain degree of acceptable flirting with hot strangers depending on how close to you the deceased was. You've got your finger sandwiches and, generally, the right dead person. Those last two are super important. Science says the smaller or larger you make a sandwich, the more awesome it becomes. Oh, and the corpse should be someone you know.
When Kenneth "Tex" Roberts passed on, the funeral home had one of those zany incidents where they store all the bodies together, presumably in a ball pit or something, so when they went to get him ready, they pulled out the wrong dude and dressed him in Roberts' clothes. So the dead guys were all naked in that pit, too. Rough deal.
Every year, Chuck E. Cheese loses about a dozen kids to ball pit fatalities.
Roberts' widow pointed out, upon seeing the body, that it wasn't her husband. However, an adept funeral home employee pointed out "that's how you look when you die" and things went ahead. So for future reference, you look exactly like a different dead guy when you die. Remember that.
Before the service began, the funeral director noticed the mistake and raced to the rescue, pointing out that Roberts was not the man in the casket--in fact he was at a totally different funeral home. It was at this point crying, asthma attacks and seizures began.
Luckily they were able to go get the real Roberts and drive him back lickety split. The fact the drivers were in such a hurry that Roberts popped out of his casket a little bit so that his legs were hanging all willy-nilly probably did very little to calm anyone down though.