From their inception in 1948, the Hells Angels have turned the pastime of menacing motorcycle riding into an art. But not the kind of art you'd want to put on the wall, unless you like your art smelling like a neglected baby with a five-day-old diaper, but more on that later.
It wasn't just that this particular biker club scoffed mightily at bourgeois particulars like "laws" and "civility," it was that they've been awful mean about it. And they eventually got organized enough in their criminal extracurriculars to draw comparisons to the mafia.
Pretty soon the dangerous mystique surrounding the beefy bikers overtook their actual deeds. Not that their actual deeds did much to improve their reputations. By the 1960s, one of the rumors about the Hells Angels revolved around their initiation ceremony. It went something like this: For a new initiate to make it into the gang, he had to bring a lady friend to the ceremony. The lady friend would be required to service each member of the charter, and by "service" we are definitely talking about "have sex with, vagina wise."
The Weird-Ass Initiation:
Actually they just doused new members in poop and pee.
And you'll never guess what crackerjack reporter actually got to the bottom of the gang rape falsities.
In what must have been the best idea since Charles Manson went undercover with the Bloods and the Crips, Hunter S. Thompson put a year in with a California chapter of the Hells Angels, culminating in an actual beatdown when they realized he was only in it for the journalism rather than the wackadoodle biker hijinks.
And no wonder, because what Hunter S. Thompson found in his time with his biker friends was slightly different than the public perception of them. Sure, there were good time Sallies who enjoyed a group romp every now and then, but they had nothing to do with the induction of new bikers. Here's how the actual ceremony went:
Step one: Have the new initiate buy some new Levis and a nice new denim jacket
Step two: Collect feces and urine from members
Step three: Dump it on the new initiate
And that'll do 'er. Except the part where the new members are instructed to never ever wash their jacket or jeans, and to follow a prescribed process to air their nasties out. But not to wash them. Because, heaven knows how ridiculous they'd look then.
The United States Navy is a force to be reckoned with, and nothing we're going to write in the next few paragraphs will change that fact. It's the largest in the world, with more ships, carriers, submarines and aircraft that you can shake a latently homosexual penis at, and it is capable of deploying all over the planet whenever they damn well feel like it.
And unlike most of the other organizations on this list, these guys aren't just a couple of sinister, high powered bozos canoodling in back rooms and old growth redwood trees. They're the guys who blockaded Cuba during the Cuban missile crisis and defeated the Japanese navy at the Battle of Midway. If G.I. Jane taught us anything, besides the fact that G.I.s aren't in the Navy, it's that the Navy SEALs are ultra hardcore and totally serious.
The Weird-Ass Initiation:
Slather up an officer in grease and kitchen condiments, dress him in a diaper and force new sailors to rub their faces into his belly button.
Take a look at that picture. Take a good look at it. That guy, the one who appears to be in his, ohhhh, late 40s wearing the cloth diaper? That's an officer of the United States Navy. He probably went to the Naval Academy. And that guy getting his face smooshed into the officer's belly? He's a new sailor crossing the equator for the first time. This is an ACTUAL RITUAL that was conducted as late as 1997. It's called "Kissing the Royal Belly."' And for once, we wish we were making this stuff up.
But we're not. Because if you Googled the phrase "kissing the royal belly" you'll find dozens of similar pictures. Grown men licking the stomachs of their co-workers. And loving it. Look at the grins on their faces! This is freakin' Space Mountain for these guys. They're having the time of their lives and we have no possible explanation for that fact.
We can't even take the cheap route and say, "Ha ha ha, they're all really gay," because we've never seen a gay person conduct himself in this fashion, or even heard about it happening secondhand. Well, unless he's also in the Navy, then apparently all bets are off.
Look at the pictures one last time. Those guys could be capable of launching a nuclear warhead.
Read more from Kristi Harrison at Here in Idaho.
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