#3. Plan Bee
What better subject to teach kids about politics and sex than a shitty rip-off of Bee Movie? Plan Bee weaves a subtle tapestry of both topics - the bees fly in front of famous landmarks and comment on how important the former presidents were while decrying the evils of monarchal rule. However, the message loses some of its meaning when it's delivered by insects speaking like illiterate 12-year olds.
Also, he looks like a guy that wore Big Johnson T-shirts in the 90s.
The whole movie is motivated by the idea that bees make sweet, sweet love to many flowers, flinging pollen left and right. Unfortunately, an evil queen is trying to force the bees to mine one particular flower until it's all dried up, making metaphorical insect rape the central plot point in a children's movie. The bees complain about being forced to pummel a single plant over and over again before finally rallying together to overthrow the evil queen, with what no one will ever convince us is not a gang bang:
And just when you're convinced that this whole experience cannot get any worse, right before the credits roll we are left with an image of bees sticking their stingers into honey, thrusting back and forth and producing queen jelly which they guzzle in ecstasy.
Jesus, it's like a party at Tom Sizemore's house.
#2. A Car's Life
Inspired by the raging success of Cars, SparkPlug Cartoons decided make their own Pixar rip-off. The end result is exactly what you would expect from a children's movie animated, written and directed by a single person in a sweatshop, and who also has never seen a child.
Kids like the desert, right?
The whole movie is a zoomed out shot of a Road Warrior-esque wasteland where Sparky, a teenage car, is going through his rebellious years, breaking the speed limit and smoking cigarettes behind 7-Eleven.
Sparky starts sneaking out at night to watch drive-in movies with a female car that seems to be at the very least mildly retarded, and we get to watch his dad fume with disappointment as his completely unentertaining antics become more and more annoying to him and us both:
By the time Sparky sneaks out into the Bad Lands with a smooth talking car that actually wants to turn him into scrap metal, we're pretty much cheering for Sparky's horrible demise. Unfortunately, the girl car gets chopped to pieces instead while Sparky has some dialogue about responsibility.
"Her horrific death has taught me an important lesson!"
Afterwards, the evil car reveals he had absolutely no motivation for his actions and the cops show up to give him a ticket for driving without a license (they let the whole "murdering a female" thing slide). For some inexplicable reason everyone starts laughing and the credits roll. Though there is an upside: We like to think that at least one toddler was inspired to a life of film-making when they realized they could actually have made a better movie themselves as an infant with no training, only a dim understanding of the differences between still images and reality, a budget of four Cheerios, and the power of imagination instead of a camera.
#1. Titanic: the Animated Movie
So as misguided and downright mean-spirited as it is to try to make some quick cash off the back of bitter childhood disappointment, at least the horrible knockoffs were knocking off movies intended for children.
And then we have the Titanic animated movie, an attempt to jump on board the popularity of a blockbuster without first checking to see if 90 percent of the characters drown horribly at the end. And yet that, friends, is the least bizarre thing about this production. Please take a moment to enjoy this rapping dog:
See, while the main plot loosely follows the story of James Cameron's Titanic (and Cinderella, we suppose), they needed to rework it for the kiddies. So, the rest of the movie is made up of disjointed, nightmarish elements from completely different cartoons, with characters ripped straight out of 101 Dalmatians, Tom and Jerry and Speedy Gonzalez.
The end result is pretty close to what you would get if you randomly taped five minutes of 25 different Saturday morning cartoons, edited them all together and called it Titanic. Despite being only an hour long, it manages to introduce around 35 different characters and about 10 plotlines. And a rapping dog.
Who looks kind of like Sam Elliott.
The boat does sink, long past the point where we are begging for the deaths of everyone involved. But as everyone--including that goddamned dog--is floating in the icy water, a pack of dolphins appears out of nowhere to save them all. Just in time to give all of the children a grossly inaccurate idea of how boating safety works, and to instill in us a sudden appreciation for non-dolphin-safe tuna.
Find more from Jack at http://media.gunaxin.com/author/jack
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For more knock-offs you're likely unaware of, check out 9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals and 6 Famous Characters You Didn't Know Were Shameless Rip-Offs .
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated Today! Shit!) to see our knock-off of Pulp Fiction, starring Swaim as Marsellus.