4The Frog Prince
In anticipation of Disney's The Princess and the Frog, this cartoon studio decided to try and cash in by taking the fairy tale of the frog prince and turning it into one 40-minute long sexual innuendo.
We're treated to an annoyingly shallow princess that complains about everything, a king overly resentful that his daughter won't bend to his patriarchal will and a frog that weaves a tapestry of lies in order to get laid.
That last part made it sound kind of awesome, but it's not. The plot is as engaging as watching a foot race between two convenience stores. There is absolutely no conflict to speak of and nothing of any consequence happens. But even worse, the voice acting is done in the stilted "my line is over, now you talk" style one inevitably gets when you staff your animated film with homeless people you grabbed off the street:
The king complains that his daughter thinks for herself and doesn't marry the first man she sees, the frog pretends to be a forest sprit and orders the girl to marry him and the princess stomps around being a huge bitch.
Also, the majority of the movie takes place in this inexplicably warped fish eye room.
Despite the stereotypical black accents and the ragged "African jungle" clothing, the movie is so lazy it can't even get off the sofa long enough to be offensive. The whole movie just sort of sits there, staring at you, waiting for you to leave as if you have inconvenienced it by watching. See the flowers on the window sill below? And how you've put more care into drawing a doodle on the back of your notebook while talking on the phone?
Yeah, the whole project really stays right at that level of effort.
What better subject to teach kids about politics and sex than a shitty rip-off of Bee Movie? Plan Bee weaves a subtle tapestry of both topics - the bees fly in front of famous landmarks and comment on how important the former presidents were while decrying the evils of monarchal rule. However, the message loses some of its meaning when it's delivered by insects speaking like illiterate 12-year olds.
Also, he looks like a guy that wore Big Johnson T-shirts in the 90s.
The whole movie is motivated by the idea that bees make sweet, sweet love to many flowers, flinging pollen left and right. Unfortunately, an evil queen is trying to force the bees to mine one particular flower until it's all dried up, making metaphorical insect rape the central plot point in a children's movie. The bees complain about being forced to pummel a single plant over and over again before finally rallying together to overthrow the evil queen, with what no one will ever convince us is not a gang bang:
And just when you're convinced that this whole experience cannot get any worse, right before the credits roll we are left with an image of bees sticking their stingers into honey, thrusting back and forth and producing queen jelly which they guzzle in ecstasy.
Jesus, it's like a party at Tom Sizemore's house.