We've been spoiled by Disney and Pixar. When you think of an animated movie you usually picture something that's pretty damned good (or at least mildly entertaining, if you're talking about Dreamworks).
But then there is the dark underbelly of animated film, hacks and zero budget backroom operations trying to make money off these modern classics. The results of their work are amazing, in the way that horrible natural disasters are amazing.
Video Brinquedo, the Brazilian producer of this Cars ripoff, built an entire empire on ripped-off Pixar cartoons and hatred of children. Their whole business model rests on getting their movies bought by easily confused grandmothers as a shitty Christmas gift, sort of like when you ask your mom to pick up Burger King and she brings back a dog turd between two buns also made out of dog turds.
Or a Wendy's burger (yeah, we went there).
In this case, they decided to show us how Cars could have looked if one person animated the entire thing and loaded it with sexual innuendos built around bad puns, which include but are no means limited to comments about the size of the female character's headlights.
"My dipstick is rock hard right now."
After about 20 minutes of ridiculous puns, we finally get to the movie's plot: The main character complains that he is not a race car, while everyone else mumbles half-hearted reassurances. Somehow money is gambled on a race, shenanigans happen and predictably enough, the main character saves the day. There's no drama, no climax, not even a damned montage to explain why he's suddenly awesome at racing.
Also, the animated cars are soulless monstrosities that appear to have been rendered on a PlayStation 1:
So, the underdog wins, someone makes a joke to a chorus of laughter, the credits roll and everyone lives happily ever after, except for the poor children who learn the most important lesson of all: Adults don't care about you, and are simply trying to find ways to squeeze cash from your parents.
This, right here, is enough to turn any kid into a serial killer.
A haphazard splicing of Charlotte's Web and Babe, Spider's Web looks like something done in MS Paint with the sole purpose of teaching kids not to do acid.
Which it fails at by showing us a skeleton that fucking rules.
The story starts when a little pig eats his mother's pie. We can tell the pie was important because she locked it in a cage.
You know, the way people do with baked goods. The pig lies about it, and at this point a snake with a cell phone shows up and drives the pig to a hotel owned by aliens. It turns out the snake's credit card doesn't work and they have to rob a gas station, which leads to a high speed pursuit by some crabs that shoot rockets.
Sort of like CHiPs. With rockets. And crabs.
Are you following the logic of this so far? If so, you should probably be on some sort of medication. After, the pig and snake accidentally turn on a television only to have it spring to life and try to murder them while destroying the entire structure they're standing in...
...eventually the pig and snake end their insane road trip in Hollywood. There the pig gets attacked by robots, stuck in a giant fishbowl with a piranha and assailed by a living fly swatter. This is probably symbolic for something, and we're guessing if you can follow the symbolism you are also probably barred from ever holding a job that allows you to touch a firearm.
In the end the snake, who turns out to be evil, tries to kill the pig by feeding him into a living sausage making machine but is thwarted at the last minute by the pig's wise bug companion, a role normally reserved for Jiminy Cricket but in this movie is played by a Jamaican spider. The pig learns not to lie, somehow, and we learn what it's like to gaze into the maw of madness itself.
In anticipation of Disney's The Princess and the Frog, this cartoon studio decided to try and cash in by taking the fairy tale of the frog prince and turning it into one 40-minute long sexual innuendo.
We're treated to an annoyingly shallow princess that complains about everything, a king overly resentful that his daughter won't bend to his patriarchal will and a frog that weaves a tapestry of lies in order to get laid.
That last part made it sound kind of awesome, but it's not. The plot is as engaging as watching a foot race between two convenience stores. There is absolutely no conflict to speak of and nothing of any consequence happens. But even worse, the voice acting is done in the stilted "my line is over, now you talk" style one inevitably gets when you staff your animated film with homeless people you grabbed off the street:
The king complains that his daughter thinks for herself and doesn't marry the first man she sees, the frog pretends to be a forest sprit and orders the girl to marry him and the princess stomps around being a huge bitch.
Also, the majority of the movie takes place in this inexplicably warped fish eye room.
Despite the stereotypical black accents and the ragged "African jungle" clothing, the movie is so lazy it can't even get off the sofa long enough to be offensive. The whole movie just sort of sits there, staring at you, waiting for you to leave as if you have inconvenienced it by watching. See the flowers on the window sill below? And how you've put more care into drawing a doodle on the back of your notebook while talking on the phone?
Yeah, the whole project really stays right at that level of effort.