6 True Stories About Disneyland They Don't Want You to Know
This summer, hundreds of thousands of happy children will beg, plead and, if resourceful enough, blackmail their parents into taking them to Disneyland. And it's little wonder why: To children, Disneyland is the combination of the only three things that matter: cartoons, rides and thinly concealed evil.
What's that? You don't typically associate the Happiest Place on Earth with crippling depression, rabies, discrimination and hate crimes?
We can fix that!
#6.
Communal Employee Underwear
The Happiest Place on Earth!
Go to Disneyland and you're bound to encounter some of the cheerful be-suited Disney characters wandering around, embracing children, dancing for your amusement and generally setting a friendly, whimsical tone for the park. You can shake hands with Goofy, play fetch with Pluto, waltz with Donald Duck and take precious photos with Mickey and Minnie, photos that you'll cherish forever.
Cherish the memories.
Just like those pubic lice you just contracted.
Not So Happy:
Up until 2001, Disneyland workers weren't allowed to bring their own underwear when they were in character, because normal underwear tended to bunch up and become visible under the costume. Kind of like how some models don't wear panties on the runway, except less "exotic and sexy" and more "destructive of your innocence and everything the concept of childhood represents."
Instead, cast members were issued company jock straps, cycling shorts or tights, which they had to hand in at the end of every day to be washed with their costumes. Of all the perks you can get pre-faced by the word "company," "jock strap" really falls short--way below "company car" or "company jet," and registering somewhere between "company grave site" and "company lube."
"And we want this back at the end of the week, John!"
The next day the workers would pick up a new set of briefs, silently curse the God that abandoned them long ago, slip on their shared underwear and spend the next eight hours humiliating themselves for the amusement of sunburnt children.
And in case you think we're embellishing the hellishness, just know that we weren't joking about the lice earlier: Over a period of two years, three different costumed actors caught scabies or pubic lice from their communist thongs.
Well, either that or Minnie was just a slut.
#5.
Flash Mountain
The Happiest Place on Earth!
Splash Mountain! The thrilling, charming log flume ride where you can float past adorable little animals singing show tunes and playing the banjo... before permanently scarring your children by abruptly sending them hurtling off a cliff into filthy, decades-old standing water. But there is an upside (two really): The boobies. They're right there on the ride photo screen.
Not So Happy:
Splash Mountain gained some notoriety a few years ago for being the premier place (outside of New Orleans and Chatroulette) for wasted people to flash their junk. It got so severe that, in order to combat the trend, Disney created a position solely to search through the ride photos for rogue genitalia before displaying them on the video screens. Don't believe us (or just want to observe boobies in reduced gravity scenarios... you know, for science)? Well, luckily some employees started posting the photos online.
That link is seriously NSFW, unless, of course, you work as a professional Disney jug-watcher.
So, what's the problem? It sounds like Disney took the Happiest Place on Earth moniker a bit overboard in creating literally the best job on the entire planet, what possible downside is there?
Well, they cancelled it. In 2009, the Splash Mountain boobie hunters were reassigned, with Disney claiming that "actual inappropriate behaviors by guests [were] rare." That's right: For several years, some lucky sons of bitches punched the clock at 9AM, watched bouncing titties for eight hours, then went home with a paycheck for it--and last year they lost it all. We can only presume they all promptly committed suicide afterward, knowing full-well that the existential hell of cleaning up sawdust and vomit outside Space Mountain would be made all the worse by their time spent in Topless Valhalla.
Why are we assuming they're still working crap jobs for Disney, and not succeeding in other fields? How good do you think "1989-2009: Professional Boob-watcher" looks on a resume?
#4.
The Really Haunted Mansion
The Happiest Place on Earth!
The Haunted Mansion: Home to G-rated scares that provoke more delighted squeals than blood-curdling fear-shrieks. A happy, cartoony scare-fest that makes all the kids who were too pussy for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride feel slightly better about themselves. The Haunted Mansion has something for everybody: Children, adults, funerals...
And Eddie Murphy's career.
Not So Happy:
Apparently it's somewhat common for a person's dying wish be to have their ashes dumped on Disney rides, most popularly the Haunted Mansion.
"I guess this is what your Nana would have wanted."
Nobody really knows when it started, or who values their eternal remains so little that they'd ask to have them scattered in a place that's probably more child-urine than it is drywall , but it happens so often that security and custodial crews actually had to institute a procedure for handling it. Guards closely monitor the ride through surveillance cameras and even walk the length of the track after-hours to look for suspicious piles of ash and bone fragments, presumably just further deepening their regret at signing up for that Disney Internship they learned about from their high school drama teacher.
I heard about those costume stories before. I thought this was so odd, that I deceided not to apply for a job there.
Reply~Anja~
People seemed to be painfully unaware that Disneyland (Anaheim) is located adjacent to a large residential block. Cats come over from there all the time, and some choose to live and breed in the park. Nobody rounds up any cat unless it looks unhealthy. There is a standing policy but everyone ignores it, and some of the cats that remain in certain locations even have names. The idea that cats were brought in purposely is supposedly a myth and I've been told by veteran cast members that its just simply that neighborhood cats learned that there was a lovely supply of fat birds and baby ducks.
ReplyThey still do monitor any attraction that has a photo gift shop, but its not a full time job. The cast members from the immediate shop or the retail complex just rotates every two hours. I've done it myself on Tower of Terror, and it's not simply nudity but any obscene gesture or threatening pose that gets 'deleted.' Ultimately, its at the discretion of the monitor at the time. It's actually pretty boring and I can see why you would go nuts if it was a full eight hour task. If you ever see that your photo opportunity is 'lost' then there is a good likelyhood that someone in your vehicle was flipping the bird or pretending to strangle their friend on their righthand side. Never saw any nudity, but plenty of middle fingers.
I was told by a worker in Disney World that they release non-venomous snakes into the park to take care of the rat and mice population.
Also, and I can only speak of Disney World, it's got to be the damn cleanest amusement park I've ever been to.
How do you mention Gay Day and not Goth Day. It's like ignoring the Trekkies at the renn faire.
ReplyA Cracked amusement park would be pretty awesome.
ReplyRecycled story yes but you folks do see the article is dated April 29, 2010, right?
ReplyWas there ever a time when Pat Robertson was taken seriously by non-crazy people?
ReplyI swear this article was posted ages ago.
ReplyIt was. Good job. Have a cookie.
The cats are totally fine, they provide a valuable service and they're well cared for by the staff.
ReplyExcept for the 2 or 3 that disappear every week to Mickeys special "revenge dungeon".
Man, I LOVED going to Tom Sawyer's island as a kid. Stupid hippies, just had to ruin it for all of us...it's still closed to public, last I checked. Maybe it's been turned into a makeshift shelter for all those feral kitties?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesTom Sawyer's island was re-themed as Pirates Lair (or something like that) and was re-opened quite some time ago. Much of the original Tom Sawyer stuff is thill there though, like castle rock and the tree house.
I went to Eurodisney a few years back, and I just loved the fact that their Tom Sawyer's island had the labyrinth going into the hillside, with places that were dark, slippery, and effing dangerous. This would never be allowed in the US, but it was much more fun than ours. (Their Indiana Jones ride is nothing, though: just a simple rollercoaster, with a few statues copied from the movies, none of the cool effects from our Indiana Jones ride.)
Today's Tom Sawyer: mean, mean pirates.
Nah, the Yippie thingy didn't ruin Tom Sawyer's island. It was open when I went in 1996, decades after the Yippie incident. I also got to see the always burning cabin as well. The closing of the island was because they decided to switch it to a Pirate-based theme. Probably because kids these days don't know about Tom Sawyer. :(
I worked at Disney for several months...never again. It's the shittiest company ever.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI worked at a... much more pleasant movie studio during the 90s. Disney Studios was known then as "Mauschwitz." The amusement park was... known for the parasites mentioned.
(But damn it, I still love Disneyland! Just not to work there.)
that was my first job. i didn't have to wear anyone's underwear but my own.
I didn't even make it a month working for Disney. I found out after the first week or two that I'm not 'Disney Friendly'. Worst customers to deal with ever.
"[A] condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs, it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor." Well, seeing that the first three have already happened, and you handled it well, and a meteor is gunna burn up in the atmosphere, I think you've got it covered.....
ReplyI think things like the terrorists attacking Disney World, earthquakes destroying the castle, and tornadoes ripping through the parade, scattering dead cartoon characters in people's gardens around the place, would have been something that was picked up in the news.
Maybe you should stop taking those funky pills of yours, I suspect they might have some side effects.
Honestly if you're going to take it that way, that those things would happen in general, any d*****t could say that. Those are things that have happened and probably won't stop happening any time soon.
NOOOO WHY ISN'T THE FLASHMOUNTAIN SITE WORKING
ReplyThe internet archive still has the site. It's almost quaint in its innocence.
The feral cats are rounded up at night and given rather nice living quarters. They are all spayed/neutered and vaccinated, and are actually adopted out.
Reply**rounded up at the end of the night.
that kinda means they aren't really feral then right? lol
I don't see what the first item is bitching about. Every performing in a large show turns in their undies as part of their costume. The smart performers carry lysol with them and spray that s**t down, and wear their own undies underneath whenever possible. I guarantee those Disney performers had it better than the "Such and Such On Ice" revues, as well as any touring production.
ReplyHoisting the Vietcong flag in Disney Land... that one made me sick to my stomach.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah, that free speech s**t is the worst! They probably weren't supporting the VC, they were probably just protesting the war that seriously f*****g needed to be protested.
Wow... a website in the 2010s, with an article about Disneyland, and... heck, this is as good a place as any to re-fight the culture wars from the hippie era!
and then these hippies wondered why everybody hated them.
hey, here's an idea:
-don't be f*****g stoned all the time dude
-have a f*****g clue what you're talking about (that also goes for hipsters vs global warming, hipsters vs kony, etc)
The feral cat thing isn't really all that big of a deal. They do it at Disneyworld too - as does several counties in Florida have feral cat programs. The ecosystem so awesomely gets mucked up without them. There's a catch and release program for city dwelling ferals (works pretty much the same at Busch Gardens and Disney) where they vaccinate and spay/neuter them. They keep rat and mice population down along with the lizard population. Lizards, inherently harmless to humans can destroy an entire ecosystem by eating too many bugs and the lizards breed oodles faster than the cats. Same thing happens with theme parks because ironically, their "ecosystem" is fairly delicate and has a ridiculous amount of oversight comparatively. Cats that are feral make excellent predators and help balance it since they aren't breeding. Their tummies are tattoo'ed (usually green) to indicate they've been fixed. Any excess kittens are given to shelters and rescues.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesi hate to be the a*****e, but "they do it at disneyworld too", you did read the articles title right?
that or there is a disneyworld and a disneyland it again, it is just not really worth pointing out as most would assume them the same place
Did YOU read the title, Verinium? The title says "Disneyland", while Seola mentions "Disneyworld", which is a separate themepark. Very much affiliated, obviously, but a completely separate one, nonetheless.
how do they get 'excess kittens' if all the cats are spayed/neutered?
either they have too little cats in disneyland and need new cats from the city. or they have to many kittens and need to give them up for adoption.
Rat and squirrel infestations do not constitute an "ecosystem".
The Amazon rainforest is an ecosystem. The Louisiana swamps are an ecosystem.
Disneyland is a big ass cement park with about 3 human beings per acre after hours, and enough sugar coated garbage to feed a small country.
It's no more of an "ecosystem" than your skanky mom's Hyundai.
Ecosystem is anything where a bunch of species live and interact with each other. Even large human settlements have ecosystems; ever heard of the birds riding the London Underground? Or dog packs taking the subway in other cities? The same applies to Disneyland: the place is big enough to have a small ecosystem. Same thing with Disneyworld, except that one is large enough to have a full-blown ecosystem due to the acres of undeveloped land there is...
Best part of all this is when it's followed up an ad for a Disney Visa Card. xD
ReplyYes, that is how Google Adsense works. Must we have these comments on every article?
My mother worked as a character at Disneyland some years ago. Shared underwear isn't the worst of it.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesContinue...
Does Mickey have Droit de Seigneur?
Worse than shared underwear?
There's a fairly good chance that the following conversation took place.
ReplyBoss: I'm sorry, but we're going to have to reassign you from the splash mountain booby watch.
Employee: Aw damn, well I guess that job was too good to be true. So, where are you assigning me to?
Boss: Well, we need someone to walk around the haunted mansion after hours and collect bone fragments and ash from cremated humans that get dumped in there on a regular basis.
Employee: *BANG* *Thud*
Hahaha!
I see the cats every so often. They aren't feral. They don't even look dirty.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThey're probably only semi feral. I know the 'wild' squirrels there have absolutely no fear of humans, due to being fed all the time. The same thing is probably the case with any cats that come out enough to be seen. And cats usually don't look dirty unless they're sick.
Do they belong to a human that feeds and takes care of them? If not, they're feral.
Feral just means wild, which could be used to describe what you said, not being taken care of by a human, but i can also refer to their disposition. That's why I say semi feral. They don't own any humans, but the're not going to claw your s**t for without a good reason.
Most cats in those types of programs aren't fed by a "human" so to speak since they eat only as needed in the wild. They have food out in some areas, but most tend to still live on the stuff they catch. They are purposely never fed in the presence of people so they hide out during the day instead of being fat ass housecats curling up to sweaty tourists for funnelcake.