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6 True Stories About Disneyland They Don't Want You to Know

You think you know the secrets of Disneyland
and since you got them from this article,
we guess that you're not wrong.
But still, it seems quite bold
to think the story told
and so we'll now correct you -- with a song.

We've said that Disney movies teach bad lessons
after spending the day chilling at their park
and like so many "[Noun]World"s that you've heard of
the real life is, sadly, just as dark.

Have you ever heard the story of the pubic lice?
Or that the park is laced with stray cat shit?
Did you know that in Splash Mountain, there are boobies?
This Cracked Classic's an old favorite, enjoy iiiiiiiiiit.

This summer, hundreds of thousands of happy children will beg, plead and, if resourceful enough, blackmail their parents into taking them to Disneyland. And it's little wonder why: To children, Disneyland is the combination of the only three things that matter: cartoons, rides and thinly concealed evil.

What's that? You don't typically associate the Happiest Place on Earth with crippling depression, rabies, discrimination and hate crimes?

We can fix that!

#6.
Communal Employee Underwear

The Happiest Place on Earth!

Go to Disneyland and you're bound to encounter some of the cheerful be-suited Disney characters wandering around, embracing children, dancing for your amusement and generally setting a friendly, whimsical tone for the park. You can shake hands with Goofy, play fetch with Pluto, waltz with Donald Duck and take precious photos with Mickey and Minnie, photos that you'll cherish forever.


Cherish the memories.

Just like those pubic lice you just contracted.

Not So Happy:

Up until 2001, Disneyland workers weren't allowed to bring their own underwear when they were in character, because normal underwear tended to bunch up and become visible under the costume. Kind of like how some models don't wear panties on the runway, except less "exotic and sexy" and more "destructive of your innocence and everything the concept of childhood represents."

Instead, cast members were issued company jock straps, cycling shorts or tights, which they had to hand in at the end of every day to be washed with their costumes. Of all the perks you can get pre-faced by the word "company," "jock strap" really falls short--way below "company car" or "company jet," and registering somewhere between "company grave site" and "company lube."


"And we want this back at the end of the week, John!"

The next day the workers would pick up a new set of briefs, silently curse the God that abandoned them long ago, slip on their shared underwear and spend the next eight hours humiliating themselves for the amusement of sunburnt children.

And in case you think we're embellishing the hellishness, just know that we weren't joking about the lice earlier: Over a period of two years, three different costumed actors caught scabies or pubic lice from their communist thongs.

Well, either that or Minnie was just a slut.

#5.
Flash Mountain

The Happiest Place on Earth!

Splash Mountain! The thrilling, charming log flume ride where you can float past adorable little animals singing show tunes and playing the banjo... before permanently scarring your children by abruptly sending them hurtling off a cliff into filthy, decades-old standing water. But there is an upside (two really): The boobies. They're right there on the ride photo screen.

Not So Happy:

Splash Mountain gained some notoriety a few years ago for being the premier place (outside of New Orleans and Chatroulette) for wasted people to flash their junk. It got so severe that, in order to combat the trend, Disney created a position solely to search through the ride photos for rogue genitalia before displaying them on the video screens. Don't believe us (or just want to observe boobies in reduced gravity scenarios... you know, for science)? Well, luckily some employees started posting the photos online.

So, what's the problem? It sounds like Disney took the Happiest Place on Earth moniker a bit overboard in creating literally the best job on the entire planet, what possible downside is there?

Well, they cancelled it. In 2009, the Splash Mountain boobie hunters were reassigned, with Disney claiming that "actual inappropriate behaviors by guests [were] rare." That's right: For several years, some lucky sons of bitches punched the clock at 9AM, watched bouncing titties for eight hours, then went home with a paycheck for it--and last year they lost it all. We can only presume they all promptly committed suicide afterward, knowing full-well that the existential hell of cleaning up sawdust and vomit outside Space Mountain would be made all the worse by their time spent in Topless Valhalla.

Why are we assuming they're still working crap jobs for Disney, and not succeeding in other fields? How good do you think "1989-2009: Professional Boob-watcher" looks on a resume?

#4.
The Really Haunted Mansion

The Happiest Place on Earth!

The Haunted Mansion: Home to G-rated scares that provoke more delighted squeals than blood-curdling fear-shrieks. A happy, cartoony scare-fest that makes all the kids who were too pussy for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride feel slightly better about themselves. The Haunted Mansion has something for everybody: Children, adults, funerals...


And Eddie Murphy's career.

Not So Happy:

Apparently it's somewhat common for a person's dying wish be to have their ashes dumped on Disney rides, most popularly the Haunted Mansion.


"I guess this is what your Nana would have wanted."

Nobody really knows when it started, or who values their eternal remains so little that they'd ask to have them scattered in a place that's probably more child-urine than it is drywall , but it happens so often that security and custodial crews actually had to institute a procedure for handling it. Guards closely monitor the ride through surveillance cameras and even walk the length of the track after-hours to look for suspicious piles of ash and bone fragments, presumably just further deepening their regret at signing up for that Disney Internship they learned about from their high school drama teacher.

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