Cracked Round-Up: Out of Booze Edition

Ha ha! We're just joshing with you. The Cracked Offices were actually constructed over a natural spring of pure ethanol spirits. It's also built over an Indian Burial Ground, but we haven't found a way to get high off of corpse desecration. Yet.


If you need advice on sex, Fortey's article will show you exactly where NOT to go. Next up, Cody laid out every episode of Heroes while Seanbaby translated an old episode of the Super Friends. Brockway showed us the apocalyptic future of health care, and DOB closed us out with

FELONY
6 Baffling Mistakes Criminals Apparently Make All The Time

They can't all be John Dillinger.



Notable Comment:

"When i worked at the grocery store, somebody was leaving used condoms in the breakfast foods aisle.The police thought it was a cereal rapist. "

Die in a goddamn fire, Leperkhan.

MYSTERY
The 5 Creepiest Unsolved Crimes Nobody Can Explain

Our most frustrating article ever.



Notable Comment:

"If I ever kill myself, I will make sure to leave a creepy mystery behind that eventually gets featured in a Cracked article. Only then I wouldn't be alive to enjoy my newfound fame. Damn."

Snaffle, you could always fake your death. That way you might qualify for more than one article!



DICKS
6 Reasons Assholes are Healthier (According to Science)

If you've ever wanted to feel better about being an absolute prick, this is the article to read.



Notable Comment:

"While I'm happy that, as a complainer and a gossip, I will live longer, I hate the fact that I'll be surrounded by type-A douchebags. "

mordredlefay relates The Gossip's Dilemma.



ORWELLIAN
The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters

We'd be more terrified of Big Brother if they didn't suck so badly at their jobs.



Notable Comment:

"I wish I had a hat like the dude riding with Hitler. Freakin schweet!! "

CamCazi, to handle a hat like that you'll need at least a red belt in Pimp-mu-do.



LOONY
The 7 Most Insane True Stories of Neighbors From Hell

More justifications for your life as a hopeless shut-in.



Notable Comment:

"I had a crazy neighbour who punched a guy through a fence - I mean, she was on one side, he was on the other, and she smashed her fist through the fence in order to punch him. She was drunk at the time. She also used to keep a goat locked up in a shed, and she had a rooster that crowed every ten f**king seconds from about 6am to 3pm. And her cat used to sneak in our house and get in bed with me, which I didn't mind too much because it was a sweet little cat, but it was also retarded and ended up getting eaten by a dog because it wasn't afraid of them. It was shortly after this that the rooster appeared. Then the chickens, then a new cat and a dog. "

Thanks for that, captain_cranky.





Serious Lunch
The Sound of a Girl's Night Out (May Impair Hearing)
Ow.


YOU YOU YOU!
If Classic Movies Had Made The Worst Possible Casting Decisions
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Internet April Fool's Pranks Had Balls.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

3.25.10:

Don't play rock, paper, scissors with God.
by Jokester

Editor's pick:

"And you're telling me this gets beat by paper?"
by mess

3.24.10:

Well to answer your question, it's very difficult. That's why I installed this little flap in the front of my armor.
by Joey_09876

Editor's pick:

You know it's bad when even the wench refuses to make eye contact.
by seannyb

3.23.10:

As part of the new healthcare bill, all citizens must wear masks to stop the spread of democracy.
by cmongo

Editor's pick:

Yes, milady, you see the muzzle. But do you see the ANIMAL it contains?
by seannyb

3.22.10:

Tonight, Road Runner will die.
by jtklove

Editor's pick:

Can't talk, gotta go hunt sharks with my moped.
by seannyb

3.21.10:

It's a little known fact that at the center of every atom is a one-man jam session.
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

Putting a little meth into his horn before he played was the best idea Bob had ever had
by metsfan

3.20.10:

Me shovel you long time.
by Posh_Chaos_Girl

Editor's pick:

By the time she realizes that the baby has gone from the pack on her back, that snowman's going to be a long way away.
by NeilSoan

3.19.10:

And that, son, is how I met your mother.
by theschweitz

Editor's pick:

They're already taking numbers to see who sniffs the poles first when the women are done
by KDMurphy

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