#3. Cosmetics and Candy Are the Same
After a meal of pet food, there's nothing sweeter than washing it down with a bottle of lotion. For some inexplicable reason, cosmetics are marketed as candy. While it likely appeals to a feminine aspiration toward sweetness, its real-world conclusion can't be anything short of a man eating a woman's face. In advertisers' quest to market makeup as dessert, chocolate and foundation are the worst culprits. They maintain identical properties in commercials...
Well, they both look delicious.
...both defying gravity while flowing in aimless streams, both only existing in front of non-descript backgrounds with no horizon.
The correlation between cosmetics and dessert is so long standing it's deserving of a whole new article, or at the very least, a quiz. So here's a quiz, it is literally the least I could do:
Play: Makeup or Candy?
#2. Your Feet Are Haunted
Ads want to warn you that at some point in your life, your feet will fuck you. Everyone will inevitably get athlete's foot or foot fungus and it's literally crippling. Your symptoms will parallel those of Regan from The Exorcist: they will spew green liquid...
...deadly gas will emanate from everything they touch...
...and sometimes they will spontaneously burst into flames.
It gets worse. On a microscopic level your feet already look like the surface of hell. Fungus is actually just a bunch of tiny, hideous demons that love it there, prying open your toenails and scratching at the soft skin underneath with no foreseeable gain on their end.
The commercials offer solutions but the symptoms they've manufactured are so horrifying that it seems impossible that some spray or a pill could ever work. You need a priest. Or you need to quit standing on Indian burial grounds. It's not clear why commercials are set on scaring the hell out of us when it comes to feet, maybe because they know most of us already have an uneasy relationship with that part of our body and it's easy to attack, or maybe they are trying to curb foot fetishists from producing nightmares like this:
#1. Your Body Is Filled With Windshield Wiper Fluid
By far the most baffling commercial pretense is the one surrounding bodily fluids. There are likely hundreds of little girls across the country with both network television and bashful mothers who have no idea their first period won't be the color and consistency of mouthwash. I'm sympathetic to an advertiser's squeamishness around showing a pad actually at work, but the fact that they've apparently settled on Windex as the stand in for all nasty bodily fluids is more than a little odd.
It extends further than just periods too, diaper commercials have hopped on board with the conceit that leaking blue anything is OK for any living creature.
So why stop there? Why don't commercials show the durability of Kleenex by blowing blue fluid through facial tissues? Or the power of condoms by shooting blue water into the reservoir tip? What do the Adventure Golf putt-putt courses smell like in the diaper ad universe? Then again, if ads insist that blue is the all-encompassing color of human secretion, I hate to think what flavor blue raspberry is actually supposed to be.
And let our friends over at HuffPo show you some other headscratchers in advertising with their gallery of WTF billboards..