#7. Wolverine Squeaky Hammer
Yep, that's Wolverine menacingly glaring at your kid with his cock out. Let's just put that on the table right away.
We realize a whole bunch of you have already seen the above image, stripped of all context (we bet at least one of you has it as your avatar on a message board somewhere). But where did it come from? It's got to be a one-time production mistake, or an intentional joke, or at least some cheap knockoff toy sold on the streets of Beijing, right?
Nope, it's an officially licensed Marvel toy (an inflatable hammer, you're looking at one end of it) and they all looked like that. There's video proof:
Honestly, what happens when your kid comes home and finds that his Wolverine Squeaky Hammer is deflated and, in his mind, he thinks "Wolverine died!" And then the imagination kicks into gear and he thinks "I can save you Wolverine!" and he picks up that deflated Wolverine toy and buries his head in its crotch and blows for all he's worth and all of the sudden Wolverine is back to life and he runs into your loving arms to tell you about his triumph and you're like "good job, you saved him buddy!"
Congrats, your kid now has a grossly inaccurate idea of how CPR works.
#6. Rad Repeatin' Tarzan
There's absolutely nothing wrong with this doll, as long as it's not in motion. Sure, maybe a crude teenage boy could say that his right hand is sort of positioned like it's holding an invisible boner. But when you activate the little lever on Tarzan's back, that's when the magic happens:
If you can't watch video on your computer, let's just say that he starts vigorously jerking off while wailing loudly. There's no mistaking what he's doing. They implanted a mechanism that really can only do that. Mattel changed the doll after approximately 100 percent of the boys who picked up the toy started making Tarzan jerk off within about 10 seconds.
Why, what noise do you make when you masturbate?
We're guessing it took only slightly longer for owners of...
#5. Rafiki on Simba Sodomy Figurine
In the movie The Lion King, Rafiki is the wise baboon who acts as a sort of spiritual advisor to the protagonist Simba. That setting is recreated lovingly in this toy, or it would be if the positioning of the baby Simba and the motion of the Rafiki figure didn't turn it into a gut-wrenching display of child molestation in the Animal Kingdom.
If that was too tasteful for you, here it is set to porno music.
That'll do, Internet.
#4. Dora "Totally Not a Dildo, Guys" Aquapet
Honestly? Is it us? Maybe there's some other angle where it doesn't look 100 percent like a sex toy, but if so, why didn't they photograph it from that angle?
Slightly less phallic.
#3. All Aboard the Dick Slide
This giant inflatable "clearly a dong" slide turns up all over the Internet, but no one seems to know where it's from ("Europe" is as close as anyone has come to nailing it down). When you see it in action at what appears to be a child's birthday party, you'll fully expect a SWAT team to come swooping in:
As you can see, it's supposed to be part of a big, fun, inflatable train kids can crawl through. But why does the train end in a giant cock? Seriously, nothing on a train resembles that.
And while we're at it...
#2. Pikachu is a Whore
This is Japan, though, so that barely counts. Wait... if you compare the scale of Pikachu's lady parts with that dick slide...
Man, somebody has got to fork over the cash to get these two set up at the same event.
#1. Hang Your Child's Coat on a Bear Erection
Asian society is extremely wang-centric and 3M decided to tap into this market with colorful coat hooks for kids. There's a bear, a cat and a frog. OK, not a big deal until you notice the top left corner of the packaging, where the clearly-aroused bear is saying, "Hug me."
Then it gets worse when you see the cat, a sly look on his face as he and his protruding manhood say, "Follow me." And the frog, its eyes squeezed shut in ecstasy, saying--wait for it--"Kiss me."
Holy shit! Run!
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If you still need ideas on how to cause your children mental instability for the rest of their lives, then check out The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys and 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 4.21.10) to see cleanse your eyes of the obscenities above.