6 Ridiculous History Myths (You Probably Think Are True)
Everybody knows that people in the past were insane. They wore funny hats, used words like "wherefore," and don't get us started on the pants.
But some of the historic anecdotes we love repeating again and again simply aren't true. As convenient as it may be to think of our ancestors as murder-happy torture enthusiasts, they were crazy, but they weren't that crazy.
#6.
Gun Fights in the Violent Wild West
The Insanity:
A gloriously mustached man sits at a card game in an old saloon, surrounded by cowboys and surprisingly fresh-faced prostitutes. He looks up, and notices that the player opposite him is hiding an extra card up his sleeve. He calls him on it, the word yellow is pronounced as 'yeller,' and pretty soon they're facing off in the city square. There's a long moment before the cheater moves for his hip holster, but he's not fast enough. Quick as lightning, the gambler draws his revolver and shoots the cheat dead between the eyes.
The cowboys and prostitutes go back to their drinks, well-accustomed to this sort of random violence, as the man nonchalantly twirls his pistol and says: "Guess he couldn't read my poker face."
A typical western saloon, moments before everyone in the room shot each other.
A hundred years of Westerns have taught us that this is how you lived and died in the Wild West. The quicker draw lived to gun-fight another day. It was essentially a roving single elimination rock, paper, scissors tournament that didn't end until you were dead.
But in Reality...
How many murders do you suppose these old western towns saw a year? Let's say the bloodiest, gun-slingingest of the famous cattle towns with the cowboys doing quick-draws at high noon every other day. A hundred? More?
How about five? That was the most murders any old-west town saw in any one year. Ever. Most towns averaged about 1.5 murders a year, and not all of those were shooting. You were way more likely to be murdered in Baltimore in 2008 than you were in Tombstone in 1881, the year of the famous gunfight at the OK Corral (body count: three) and the town's most violent year ever.
As for the traditional Western gunfight as depicted in movies, the inaccuracy of handguns at the time would have made quick-drawing skill irrelevant: It was simply so unlikely you'd hit a guy on the first, second or third shot that it didn't really matter which guy got out his gun first. The closest history got to high-noon show downs was dueling, where people just stood across from one another with their guns out, aimed and fired until someone got lucky, and someone else was dead. Forget about "fanning," rapidly cocking a single-action revolver between rounds like Clint Eastwood does in A Fistful of Dollars. You'd be lucky to hit a henchman if the duel took place in a closet.
Why Do We Believe It?
Because famous gunfighters like Billy the Kid wanted you to believe it. If you've seen Young Guns on cable, you probably know the guy was gunning somebody down every ten minutes!
"... then I was all like 'pow' 'pow' and all the minotaurs exploded!"
Well according to sources who aren't Billy The Kid, his lifetime kill count was four. Criminals inflated their murder stats for the same reason guys today inflate their sexual experience: It made them look cool. Towns like Deadwood talked up their violent, lawless natures in order to attract adventurous settlers. Books were written about them and movies were made as soon as cameras were invented, and nobody who'd been out west was rushing to correct the misconceptions because, why the hell would they. A century and a half later, we still love that lie.
We believe it because shooting a nameless bad guy in the heart is infinitely more satisfying than filing a complaint with the cops or writing a strongly worded letter to the editor. No checks and balances, no second guessing. Just you and a gun.
Pardon us, we have a certain Bon Jovi song we need to play right now.
#5.
Stock Brokers Jumping Out of Windows When The Market Crashes
The Insanity:
After the Wall Street crash in 1929 that eventually led to the Great Depression, ruined investors jumped en masse from the windows of their towering buildings. They plunged to the ground in a fatal metaphor for the value of their stocks, leaving the streets below covered with splattered puddles of failed capitalism.
Knowledge of this historical event is so widespread that references to it can be found everywhere, from RoboCop to modern protests against the Wall Street bailout:
But in Reality...
Unfortunately for the angry guy in that picture--and fortunately for the people whose job it is to clean up the sidewalks in New York--the legendary string of dramatic Wall Street suicides never actually happened.
The sweet relief of used condoms and vomit.
A popular comedian at the time made a quip about speculators needing to "stand in line to get a window to jump out of." The myth grew from there, until the "suddenly bankrupt stockbroker leaping from a window" became a stereotype.
Failed early attempts at jetpack commuting didn't help.
In reality, only two suicides by jumping occurred on Wall Street between the crash and the end of 1929, and one of those was that of an elderly female clerk named Hulda Borowski--not really the image that comes to mind when you hear "corporate fat-cat."
Why Do We Believe It?
First of all, we love a good dramatic symbol. An oil tanker spills a million gallons of oil on a beach? Ah, that's just a number. But show us a picture of an otter coated in oil? Holy shit! It's a disaster.
Likewise, saying the market lost 12 percent doesn't quite stick to the mind as well as the idea of stock brokers splattering their brains on the sidewalk rather than face another day of losses.
Also, take another look at the dude's sign up there. We root for this sort of thing to happen to the Gordon Gekko types who play Blackjack with billions in other people's money. They're the ones to blame. So when we lose our jobs or retirement accounts due to a crash, it makes us feel a little better to know the guys with gold watches and slicked-back hair got a face full of concrete.
#4.
Feminist Bra Burnings
The Insanity:
For a few decades the "bra-burning feminist" was as much an archetype as the "dope-smoking hippie." On The Simpsons, Marge met Homer because she was in detention for participating in a bra burning.
The story goes that at protests in the late sixties, feminists raging against the male-dominated world defiantly removed and set fire to their bras. It was a powerful statement, symbolically declaring the women's desire for their feminine power to burst out of its patriarchal restraints and bounce free, no longer confined by the lace and spandex of traditional social mores.
We at Cracked support sweet bouncy freedom.
But in Reality...
This one literally never happened as far as anyone can tell. Women protesting against the 1968 Miss America contest in New York did toss several items into a trash can, including bras, girdles, high heeled shoes and women's magazines, labeling them "instruments of torture." But no fire was involved, except for the fire of burning feminine rage. Neither did the women actually remove their bras at the protest, inexplicably opting to gather the bras beforehand, and remain fully clothed.
It wasn't long after the era of Vietnam protesters burning their draft cards, and a journalist or two presumably conflated one of the concepts with the other. After all, they're all hippies, right?
Why Do We Believe It?
There's the fact that it involves topless women. Even the Wall Street Journal knows you get more readers if you can tie the story to unrestrained titties. Also, most of us want to believe people with non-mainstream opinions are all on the far-out fringe, doing crazy things they'll be embarrassed by later in life.
It saves us the trouble of listening to them. A woman demanding equal pay for equal work is making a point you have to address. A woman burning a bra and claiming it's a torture device is just a silly sideshow you can safely dismiss after a few minutes of vigorous masturbation.
curse you Cracked for introducing me to that Goddamned Vigilant Citizen website
ReplyI mean was it really necessary? maybe I'm crazy but just read that f*****g website! I mean holy f*****g s**t are that guy's conspiracy theories convincing, maybe they're wrong, but the point is once you read them you'll never look at the world the same way and it is EXTREMELY depressing
so thanks a million for all the depression Cracked
"According to sources who aren't Billy the Kid, his lifetime kill count was four."
ReplySource not Billy the Kid: "...shot and killed an older man who bullied him into a fight... took part in the Lincoln County War, where he gained a reputation as a fearless fighter and an excellent shot... killing Sheriff James Brady and a deputy... able to... kill his jail guard, shoot another deputy..."
So that's at least five, and probably at least one or two more in the Lincoln County War, in which a total of fourteen on the side opposing his were killed. Fail.
(Before anyone calls me on it, I checked another source, and yes, the deputy he shot in his escape was killed.)
"We have a certain Bon Jovi song we need to play right now"
ReplyI was listening to said song just as I started reading this article. Made my day :)
this list is wrong. most of these things did happen. they are just overstated in our society to provide effect. eg 1 stockbroker commits suicide used to show how bad times got, people just take this to mean others did it; it is an extreme example which shows the panic the great depression caused. likewise 'no irish' signs were commonplace in england even not that long ago. people did panic when they first heard war of the worlds, not everyone (no nationwide situation) but many had no idea what was going on. Just because lots of people believe something happened all the time even though it only occurred sporadically or once does not mean it didnt happen.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSorry for being boring but there will be people saying all these things are false when theyre not and that is just making the world stupider. Ironic that you claim people are gullible for believing these 'myths' when you are merely tricking them into believing more myths.
(i study history and am not just some idiot who has looked up wiki)
Birdbig: I just read a little on George Soros yesterday. The story said it was during the Great Depression and George was holding out for his dream job. He said he was on his way to an interview for a job he didn't really want when he heard a "thud" behind him. He turned around and saw the body of a man who jumped off the Empire State Building. The anecdote was told because it made George realize how desperate the situation was, so he took the job. After reading this article I am thinking, "So, George Soros happened to be in the vicinity of the one man (the other being a woman in this article) who leapt to his death in NYC during the Depression?"
(Sorry, I hit "Submit Comment" too soon.)
Birdbig: So, after reading that story about Soros I have to agree with your comments. I am sure it happened more than twice.
Soros was 13 when Germany invaded Hungary, he was not looking for a job on Wall Street. He is 81 today.
You say this list is wrong, then go on to agree with it. One stockbroker committed suicide is not the streets were littered with corpses which is basically the story we've been told. The NINA signs were in England. The article is talking about in the US and says so very clearly. The War of the Worlds story is that a lot of people freaked the hell out (remember stories of people running into the streets with wet towels around their heads to protect from the poison gas in my school history books). I think you're missing the whole point of the article. The main things is that things happened once or twice and were blown way out of proportion or people just got the location wrong. Did you read the article or just skim the headlines then go straight to the comments?
#4 Speaking from a woman's perspective, I never understood how going around without a bra on was a sign of a woman's independence. Seriously isn't that exactly what the guys would want? And the constant stares the opposite of what feminists would want?
ReplyIDK, the philosophy seemed to have been about women being kept in bondage by an "essential" article of clothing designed by a man. Though if the Simpsons are any example, burning a bra is also a good way to set yourself on fire.
Plus, good bras are not cheap to come by.
We love to think of history in a more colorful way. That is why the "Wild West" image has endured. That is why we love imagining evil medieval torture devices "I just thought of two right now!". That is also why we think of "barbarians" as vikings, wielding double axes, which is bullshit (they were actually peasant farmers). But, what the f*****g hell, I like history that way! It is cooler! So who gives a damn, lets imagine stock brokers jumping from windows, Wild West duels, topless gals burning bras, and kick-ass torture devices!
ReplyThe Vikings weren't just peasant farmers, they knew how to fight and had weapons that most farmers don't have (i.e., swords and shields).
Also, the Pear did exist, but it was Roman and was shoved in your mouth, not up your ass.
don't we already?
As an Irish person, I can honestly say that I have been turned away from a job because I'm Irish. Of course, that may have something to do with my red hair and lack of a soul. Even McDonald's has standards.
ReplySteel enough condiments from your previous jobs that s**t gets around.
in regard to "not need apply"
ReplyThis was a pop/alt culture anthem at this point after vietnam, originally by The Five Man Electrical Band":
And the sign says "Long-haired freaky people need not apply"
So I put my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you'll do
So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that, huh, me working for you"
[Chorus:]
Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs
Fuckin' up the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign
Say what you like about "No Irish need apply" but as an Irish person I know for a fact that they had signs in London saying "No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish".
ReplyI believe the writer was speaking specifically of America. As he said, the "No Irish Need Apply" song was imported here from England.
They were all around the country apparently - not being alive when all the tension was happening, I thought it was some kind of twisted joke. Nonetheless, I think the UK and Ireland have FAIRLY made up.
The "Vigilant Citizen" article made me very, very sad... people believe these things?!!!
ReplyI put on Wanted Dead or Alive as soon as I reached the end of the bit about the Wild West.
Replyfistful of dollars more like
Isn't the reason for the wild west being wild lack of law enforcement and proper civil administration? If so, why would we be looking at officially recorded murders?
ReplyA lot of what you said about the Wild West is undoubtebly true but you need to think about your historiography a lot more.
Historiography. All right, but with the Wild West what other records can historians refer to with any reliability? And to be honest, the official records contain a lot of murder and mayhem by themselves.
I guess the author never heard of Vlad the Impaler, Eric the Lobber, or the Inquisition. They did indeed use those devices and most notably that evil chick in Moldavia...bathed in the blood of little girls. Why is it all cleansed now? because this media all bought by corporations wants to cleanse history and rewrite it, esp in school. Kids are learning complete fantasy there.
Replyyeah, a rational approach to history based on facts not sensationalism is "fantasy." you tell em
Lack of evidence is not evidence against.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes, but lack of evidence is not evidence for, either.
The burden of proof is on the person making the claim. If you cannot support your claim, then, even if it is true, it cannot be taught as fact; at best, it must be taught, along with all evidence for and against, and then those being taught must be allowed to make their own conclusions.
also if there is no evidence to prove, say, the use of the iron maiden. why then did they start believing in it in the 19th century? either a ghost came and told someone they used to exist, they made it up and it turned out to be a huuuge coincidence, OR they just made it up and it never really existed. i'd see your point if this article didnt also include why these myths were invented and why people believe them. but it does. so... ner nicky ner ner
^ The article already said - the torture devices were marketing tools for museums.
A quick tour through the dungeons of the Prague Castle will reveal all the medieval instruments of torture you'll ever likely want to pop up in your dreams. It's simply absurd to think that torture wasn't part of everyday life in the middle ages. In fact most prisoners were tortured to death once they finally waited their turn. The waiting in the dungeon may have been the worst torture of all but considering "the rack" was a mere play thing compared to the instruments of brutality at that one castle (matched by the dungeons of many of Europe's finest castles). Try doing some actual research before you make such easily disprovable claims.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSo you've done actual research? What are your sources? At least the author supplied links to back up what s/he claims. Sounds like you're just regurgitating the exact rumors the author is disproving.
yeah man, a quick tour through that historical site at guantanamo will reveal all kinda crazy torture methods. those poor bastards in the 21st century.. it was just torture torture torture back then, all day every day!
When I think of places historically infamous for torture, Prague isn't one of them.
My grandma actually believed for the longest time that my great grandpa committed suicide by jumping out of a window after the stock market crash of 1929, but decades later, she found out that my great grandpa actually shot himself in the head when my grandma had read my great grand dad's death certificate.
ReplyOh okay. Cracked follows the "pics or it didn't happen" mentality. Gotcha.
ReplyTrue, in Alien Nation, Mulder and Skully had anal sex. Battlecar Galactica is famous for gun-shoot-outs, and Henry VIII had King Kong balls.
ReplyNumber one on this post is not exactly accurate. While "Murdes were rare" the gun fight was a very true thing. as a matter of fact duels were common throught the 17-1800s. while many of these gunfights were often not fatal, they did occur often. Now on another note, there were very rare occasions where famous gunfighters actually squared off. Hell, even in the movie tombstone, Jim bowie is portrayed as dying at OK, but in reality he dies at the alimo and was died a hero, not a villain. One of the reasons deaths from gunfights was so rare was two fold. A) black powder causes allot of smoke. if you did not hit with the first shot, you probably cannot see to get another good shot off. B)rifling in barrels was not nearly as good as it is today.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesnow lets talk about famous gunfighters squaring off. one of the most famous examples of this (and i bet most don't even actually know their names but i'll list them here) and a reference as soon as i find my book. but here is the description in my own words as as notes by Louis L'Amour:
The scene happened in a bar. Both men drew their firearms. one of them fired off several shots and was actially very accurate scoring a number of hit. the other was slower and only fired one shot. that shot took his opponent in the heart and he lived on for many more years. I'll post the reference bellow. Running to go find my book
Where'd Jim Bowie come from? He wasn't portrayed in Tombstone which was set nearly 50 years after Bowie died. Can't imagine which character you might've mistaken him for - the only character named James would've been one of the Earp brothers and I don't even know if he was portrayed (OK Corral movies often didn't include all the Earp brothers).
Gunfighting as we know it was legally considered a duel. If you carried a piece you were subject to being called out at another's whim. If you were unarmed, killing you would be considered murder. Eventually, of course, dueling was eventually outlawed everywhere.
Also, forget the fast draw. Interviewed a professional fast draw artist one time who pointed out something that should've occured to me -- you couldn't do quick draw prasctice with guns made with 19th century technolgy. Even his toughened late 20th century guns wore out with use. Imagine having to be a quick draw artist in the wild west without being able to practice. Even dry firing would wear ou those guns pretty quick.
I went to a university that dealt with the old west and its Archaeology, and the gun fights and craziness was a myth. It was elaborated and continued by authors, such as twain who lived in Virginia City, in order to sell books to people back east. I have gone through many artifacts and records complied by famous Archeologist in this field and I can tell you it was tame. Sorry, I know the myth is far more exciting then the truth.
I went to a university that dealt with the old west and its Archaeology, and the gun fights and craziness was a myth. It was elaborated and continued by authors, such as twain who lived in Virginia City, in order to sell books to people back east. I have gone through many artifacts and records complied by famous Archeologist in this field and I can tell you it was tame. Sorry, I know the myth is far more exciting then the truth.
Would you bozos quit confusing duels with high noon showdowns. The author said himself that duels did exist but said point blank they are the "closest thing" history ever got to the western duel.
There is no disputing that the western duel is a myth. It just didn't happen. Yes, dueling happened; however, even by the late 19th century it was out of fashion. Furthermore, you seem to neglect to mention the INSANE amount of back-and-forth that had to happen before a duel could ever actually take place. There was much more than "them's fightin' words.." that had to happen before 2 people would duel.
"A woman demanding equal pay for equal work is making a point you have to address."
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies1. No, we don't. 2. Unequal pay is another myth.
I'm sorry. Perhaps he should have included a disclaimer that persons who are assholes, such as yourself, need not respond to the statements made meant for grownups.
Actually, women do earn less than men, but not because of their gender. It's more because women are more likely to be caregivers, so work part-time or shorter hours whereas men are more likely to be expected to work every hour possible. More hours= more pay. In addition, men are encouraged to Make Waves, go into the Boss's office and demand a raise, whereas women are encouraged to stay "safe" and not ask for raises- likewise, when negotiating pay during initial interviews, men are more likely to ask for a higher starting salary than women. It has little do do with sexism- more to do with learned behavior in the genders.
Every job I have worked if there was a female working the same job I was, she got paid the same as I did. Yes, everyone talked about how much they made at some point or another even though we weren't supposed to.
^ Yes...every women *you* worked with; and it doesn't matter if it was a minimum wage job. Statistically speaking, *women* in the workplace earn less on average than men.
Big difference.