3Jack Youngblood Laughs at Guns and Broken Bones Alike
When you're born with a name like Jack Youngblood, you're actually required by federal law to spend your life blazing a path of badassery the likes of which only other people named Jack Youngblood could hope to follow.
Pictured: A sketch of the very first Jack Youngblood. The badass bar was set pretty high.
It's not a question of if, just a question of how. The Jack Youngblood in question here chose to spread his gospel of badassery on the football field; playing 201 consecutive games as an NFL defensive lineman for the Los Angeles Rams for 14 years. By the way, we swear on all that is holy if a single commenter tells us we "fail" because the Rams play in St. Louis, we will send Youngblood himself to end you.
Best believe you don't want Youngblood on your ass.
Just ask the drunken cowboy who pointed a .44 revolver at Youngblood's eye and then pulled the trigger. Fortunately for Youngblood, and most unfortunately for the drunken aggressor, the gun failed to go off. Youngblood proceeded to take the gun away, knock the man out and walk away. We assume he then casually dropped a cigarette on a trail of gasoline and never bothered to look back at the ensuing explosion.
Most Badass Act:
How can having a gun to your eye not be the most badass moment in your life? For starters, play a Super Bowl with a goddamn broken leg. In the 1979 divisional playoffs against Dallas, Jack Youngblood was knocked sideways by a guard and had his fibula "snapped like a pencil."
While most players would accept that their season was over and head towards an early retirement of weekly knee replacement surgery and welfare level pension checks, Youngblood threw on a plastic cast and played in the NFC Championship game the next week. And then again a week later in the Super Bowl. Years later, Youngblood would say, "Look, it felt like a bunch of knives being stabbed into your leg. But I wasn't going to do more damage to a broken leg." Can't argue with that logic!
Seriously, don't argue.
But he wasn't done. A week later he suited up again in the Pro Bowl--a meaningless exhibition annually skipped by dozens of players. Said Youngblood, "You don't miss any of those opportunities." He then added "Brett Favre is a total pussy." Just joking, he didn't say that. But if you asked him today, he probably would.
2Rulon Gardner is Clearly Cursed but Just Doesn't Give a Shit
In the 2000 Olympics, unknown pudgy American wrestler Rulon Gardner came out of nowhere to beat the Russian who was favored to win the gold (the Russian won the gold at the last three Olympics and hadn't lost a match in the last 13 years). Comparisons to Rocky IV are tempting, but the matchup was less Rockyish, but more like John Candy versus the giant Grizzly bear in The Great Outdoors; if the bear was a menacingly stoic communist, which we assume most bears are.
All of this happened despite the fact the universe clearly wants Gardner dead.
As inspirational as it was, a single Olympic win by itself wouldn't be enough to classify a Mormon dairy farmer as a true badass. And the fact that he only won a bronze medal in the next Olympics might seem like a bit of a letdown, until you consider that by then he had a toe amputated due to frostbite. And that leads us to the meat of Gardner's badass credentials.
We're just at the tip of the ice-toe-berg.
The aforementioned amputated toe was a result of frostbite from being stranded on a wilderness trip after his snowmobile broke down. Years before, in grade school, he was impaled by an arrow during a show-and-tell incident (but badass props of his own to the nine-year-old that brought a crossbow for show-and-tell.). In 2004, he was hit by a car while he was on his motorcycle.
Most Badass Act:
Death's most recent (and spectacular) attempt on Rulon's life came in 2007, when he survived a fucking airplane crash. Gardner and two others were onboard when the Cirrus SR-22 crashed into a lake. After impact, the trio swam over an hour in 44-degree water (finally shedding the Unbreakable comparisons by showing that water obviously wasn't his kryptonite) and then endured overnight without fire or shelter in below freezing temperature.
Then he fought a man on the Great Wall of China.
We're not sure if the constant string of disasters prove that God is out to get him, or if his survival shows that Mormonism is the one true religion.