#3. Necrophilia - Fifth Century BC
There's no polite way to put this: Necrophilia is the fucking of dead bodies. Although considering the recent popularity of "vampire romance," having sex with a pale lifeless meatwad is apparently mainstream now.
Those nipples might as well be dollar signs.
Psychologists have theorized that there are a number of reasons why someone would be attracted to corpses, chief among them being the desire for a lifeless and unresisting partner (well, duh). But apparently the whole craze started the same way so many things start: with mummies.
Herodotus (the Greek historian who lived in the fifth century BC) wrote in his Histories that, in order to stop people from having sex with corpses before mummification, the ancient Egyptians left them to decay for three or four days before handing them off to the embalmers. That's right: Necrophilia was such a problem for these guys that they had to take active preventative measures against it.
But that's not all: One legend says that after killing his wife in jealousy, King Herod the Great continued to have sex with her body for, wait for it, seven years. Considering that this wasn't really the worst thing he ever did in his life, it's painfully apparent that his title of "The Great" might have been handed out a little early.
#2. Zoophilia - Older than Civilization
Zoophilia, also known as "bestiality," is the practice of having sex with an animal. While it isn't expressly illegal in most areas of the world, it also isn't officially condoned, the policy apparently being "let's not talk about it and hope it goes away."
According to this article, most zoophiles experience the first stirrings of their fetish between the ages of 11 and 14, which suddenly explains the success of both Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. Zoophiles don't draw much of a difference between the affections of a human and an animal and, really, we can't see much of a difference between a pet and a significant other--they both cheer you up when you're down and they both can be trained to lick your genitals.
As it turns out, the act of bonifering an animal may be older than recorded history, because it's really not all that hard to figure out just what's going on in this cave painting from Val Comonica, circa 8000 BC.
And he looks like he's having the time of his fucking life.
Furthermore, the ancient Romans' flirtations with the animal kingdom are near-legendary. Donkeys, baboons, geese, dogsÃ¢ï¿½Â¦ you'd be hard-pressed to find a species that the Romans didn't defile at some point. This reaches epic levels of insanity when you learn that Roman women would often masturbate with live fucking snakes, which were trained to "suckle the nipples."
The Roman attitude towards bestiality was so relaxed that many Roman citizens indulged in it, up to and including their goddamn emperor. But they met their match with the Egyptians, who according to the Greek historian Herodotus "mastered the art of sexual congress with a crocodile." They didn't just fuck crocodiles, they fucking mastered it.
"You'll find my Ph.D. wedged in his asshole."
#1. Sadomasochism - 470 BC
If you're reading Cracked, you're probably the type of person who already knows that sadomasochism was named after the Marquis de Sade. But he didn't invent it.
Alternatively known as "bondage," "S & M" and "get the fuck out of my apartment," sadomasochism involves two consenting partners engaging in a style of sexual roleplay characterized by domination and submission. One partner, the dominant, inflicts pain, while the other partner, the submissive, receives it. S & M covers a wide range of activities, from simple verbal abuse and light spanking to full-blown flogging and humiliation.
So if de Sade wasn't the father of sadomasochism, who was?
Tarquinia's Tomb of the Floggings contains some of the earliest erotic artwork known to man, and they're almost 2,500 years old (dating around 470 BC). In addition to numerous depictions of orgies and guy-on-guy butt-tastic sex, we have a scene of what is clearly two dudes filling out one woman while whipping her back.
Also, she appears to have bitten one of them in half.
So the next time you see a leather sex club and think to yourself that you're watching the downfall of modern society, keep this in mind: They were doing full-on S & M orgies five centuries before the New Testament.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 3.29.2010) to see what David Wong's favorite fetish is.