The animal kingdom consists of a vast number of beautiful and intricate creatures who have learned over the eons to adapt to the world surrounding them--and that's totally cool, because if they come in our yard we can just kill them. Stomp on 'em, poison 'em, shoot 'em, hit 'em with your car--whatever. Mankind is a motherfucker, Nature, and until you "adapt" to death itself, you'll never take us.
Oh shit, no! Don't take that as a challenge!
5East African Giant Snails
As previously mentioned, the East African giant snail is just like a normal snail, that can grow up to eight-inches long. Easily big enough to cross the cuteness threshold and venture firmly into "living slime penis" territory. Look at this shit; they're actually big enough register facial expressions:
"Did you just call me a living slime penis, dickhead?"
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
While seemingly identical in form to their adorable (and easily crushable) counterparts, the East African giant snail is the John McClane of the snail kingdom.
Yippie Ki Yay, motherfucker!
But come on! Even the Die Hard of snails is still a goddamn snail, how tough can it be to take one out? Well, try asking some East Africans: In areas infested with the snails, locals have tried quarantines, pesticides, poisons, introducing other predators--they did everything but bust out the pulse rifles and flamethrowers Alien-style just to kill these stu- What's that?
Oh, they actually did bust out the flame throwers? For snails? Doesn't that seem like overkill?
Sure, a little bit. But keep in mind, to consider something overkill it usually has to work. That's right: Even flamethrowers did not curb the advance of the East African giant snail. So how did they finally stop them?
Now, listen: Just stay with us here. We know what you're thinking: "Everybody knows bears are destructible. Just ask Teddy Roosevelt; he couldn't even get an erection unless he choked out a bear first."
And you're totally right, but these aren't bears like Yogi--they're bears like the microscopic, water-dwelling creatures. Wait, what? Why is a water-borne micro-organism named after a bear? According to this source, it's because they "move smoothly like a bear," which is... a little odd. We don't commonly consider the bear the Justin Timberlake of the animal kingdom. But judging by the site's further elaboration that the water bears have "the color and surface texture of one of those sweet bear gums loved by children," it becomes clear that the author is both 80-years old and Swedish--so we'll just let the bizarre name slide. Besides, it does kind of look like an adorable little Gummy Bear:
Maybe melted a little, but still both huggable and delicious.
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
For some reason, the adorableness of a given creature goes down in direct proportion with its resistance to death. Fragility is a key element to cuteness, and that's why you're about to find the water bear a whole lot less wuvable: They are goddamned indestructible. Freeze 'em? Nope. They can survive at -273 degrees Celsius (only a few away from absolute zero). Well, nuking always ruins things, right? Pepperoni Hot Pockets and the Japanese might agree with you, but these critters can revert back to a sort of "freeze-dried" form at anytime-- making them impervious to radiation, and also liquid nitrogen, contact with mineral acids, organic solvents and probably emotional abuse. So, one logical solution is left to us: Blast the fuckers into space.
So long, dickbags!
Hey! That actually works!
...After 10 days. That's how long water bears-- tiny little unarmored animals with skin, claws, eyes, muscles and all the factors we commonly associate with things that die in the abyss of the cosmos--can survive with absolutely no protection in the dead void of outer space.
Sure, they're harmless to humans. But they can travel through space naked, and there are millions of them, and they can be found virtually everywhere, probably even in your house. Right now.