5A Foot-long Surgical Implement
When 57-year-old Daryoush Mazarei experienced severe pain after an intensive operation, doctors immediately booked him in for an emergency CT sca- no, wait, they just told him to stop making shit up.
"I'm going to prescribe you a pair of nuts, crybaby."
Mazarei had undergone an operation to install a shunt that would allow fluid to drain from his brain and, two years later, he never felt fully recovered. Although in chronic discomfort and pain, Mazarei was told repeatedly that nothing was physically wrong with him and prompted to seek psychiatric treatment. His doctors even went so far as to cite the story of the boy who cried wolf, even though his daughter was able to point to a hard foreign object that was clearly poking out from inside him.
"What? That's a medicinal arrow."
Presumably finally fed up with the man's constant complaining, Mazarei's doctors gave him a CT scan, on which they could see a large object located in his abdomen. After reopening the patient's abdominal cavity, surgeons found a set of retractors that had been accidentally left inside the man during the last surgery.
Retractors are just doctor jargon for big ass tweezers, which were probably thrown into the man in disgust after one of the doctors got frustrated trying to pull out the spare ribs.
Johnson, hand me the tweezers. This man has a serious case of butterflies in his stomach.
How big were these "bigass" tweezers? Almost 10-freaking-inches long. And nobody noticed they were in there when they were sewing him up.
But Could it Happen to Me?
The bad news is this shit happens all the time. Despite stringent measures taken during surgery, like counting all the equipment before and after to see if the tally matches, surgeons just can't seem to stop leaving their forceps, scalpels and wedding rings inside their patients.
One study states that 722 objects were stitched inside people in a single year in England. Then again, that's England. In the States, the situation isn't quite that retarded, but we still found reports ranging around 22 a year in Utah, and 80 in Philadelphia. Hospitals seem fairly nonchalant about it, probably because it seems like a small number compared to the huge amount of surgeries that go on.
But just think about it: There are 80 people walking around Philly right now with a stethoscope lodged in their pancreas, because some doc lost it in all the excitement.
Growing up in Nagpur, India, Sanju Bhagat was often ridiculed for his abnormally large stomach. We all know how it is--kids can be cruel, especially when you're a man who has looked pregnant his entire life. It's kind of a horrifying irony that it was ultimately discovered he had been pregnant his entire life. Sort of.
He finally did something about his situation one night when he was rushed to the hospital with shortness of breath and severe pain. When the doctors attempted to remove what they assumed was a tumor, they were mildly shocked to find... Wait, seriously?
...a partially formed fetus. Holy shit, that's like a scene from a freaking John Carpenter movie. Except like 10 times worse.
Maybe not 10 times.
One doctor's natural reaction was apparently to shake hands with the abomination, which had limbs, hair and genitalia.
But Could it Happen to Me?
Luckily, there are fewer than 90 cases of this in recorded medical history, but we still think that's about 100 too many. It's called fetus in fetu, and it basically means that Bhagat had a twin inside the womb who he absorbed like an in-vitro caged death match.
Apparently, as in this case, the parasitic fetus will sometimes feed off the host until "doctors are forced to intervene." As though having some kind of unborn demonspawn leeching off your life force from the inside wouldn't be your highest priority under any imaginable circumstance.