#3. Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu's Love Spray
While not widely known in America, Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu (who prefers to go by Dr. NakaMats) is a legend in Japan. He holds the world record for the most patents at 3,200, three times as many as Edison. He had a hand in inventing the floppy disk, CDs, DVDs, digital watches and karaoke machines. Look around at all the stuff in your apartment and Dr. NakaMats probably had a hand in its creation.
This is not a random Google image result for "Japanese man".
This is actually Dr. NakaMats.
Dr. NakaMats's latest and greatest innovation is the Love Jet, which according to his best explanation is catnip for vaginas. Ladies can just spray a few pumps on their unmentionables and the men will come running, as detailed in the most unintentionally hilarious video of all time.
Dr. NakaMats claims to have tested his invention on over 10,000 women, but hastens to point out, "I'm not doing the sex, just checking the meters." (Which we assume is code for "I'm doing the sex.") It's also important to note that Dr. NakaMats asserts Love Jet removes the need for foreplay, which is like removing the dialog from a Michael Bay movie and just leaving the explosions.
Dr. NakaMats again, just hangin'.
While vagina magnet spray is a great idea on paper, we feel nature beat Dr. NakaMats to the punch by inventing its own way to attract men to vaginas--the vagina. Of course, Japan is the land of three donged demon rapists, so Japanese men may just have such a craving for the exotic that they raise the bar for vaginas higher than aforementioned vaginas can vault.
And we haven't even gotten to the nutty part. Dr. Nats sells his Love Jet for 30,000 yen (about $250) but they cost 80,000 yen to produce, resulting in a $400 loss per bottle. Why? Because Dr. NakaMats is worried about Japan's decreasing birth rate. He considers getting men and women hard a civic duty. Why can't our patriots be like that?
#2. Joseph von Littrow's Flaming Intergalactic Communicator
Born in 1781, Joseph von Littrow was a nobleman and esteemed mathematician. In 1819 he became the director of the Vienna Observatory and developed the Littrow projection, the only conformal retroazimuthal map projection (this is fancy talk for "a map that accurately shows the angular distance between two points" or "Mapquest"). Despite all his perfectly reasonable and respectable contributions to astronomy, Littrow knew he had at least one tit-bustingly insane idea in him, and that idea involved fire.
Joseph Littrow gold medal in craziness.
Ever since mankind looked skyward and wondered who or what else was out there we have attempted to contact other species in the cosmos. Today we send radio waves into deep space. Littrow essentially did the same, except apparently in the 17th century, "radio waves" were called "flames." In order to get the aliens attention, Littrow proposed digging a 30-kilometer wide circular ditch, filling it with kerosene and setting it on fire.
A ladder to the stars.
Evidently Littrow's idea was that a big enough fire would be seen from the heavens by any wayward visitors, but as any modern scientific mind would probably note, this would have to be the biggest fucking fire in the history of everything. A 40-mile long set of flaming letters reading "Smooch my terrestrial cock" would be difficult to read from Wisconsin, let alone Jupiter.
#1. J. Walter Christie's Flying Tank
Walter Christie was an American engineer who developed a tank suspension system, Christie suspension, which gave Russian, American and British tanks a considerably tactical advantage in World War II. Because of Christie's innovations, Allied tanks were faster, more agile and able to traverse longer distances than their Axis counterparts.
Christie also invented a transversely mounted engine/transmission assembly so ahead of its time it wouldn't be fully appreciated until 50 years later. He made a lot of innovations to motorized vehicles, but tanks were really his thing.
There's an old saying that goes something like "once you find out what you're good at, keep doing it for the rest of your life." Christie's folly proves that advice isn't always so good. See, Christie was good at making tanks, so when it came to thinking up a new kind of vehicle to soar above modern battlefields, he thought "TANKS."
The idea was to drag the flying tank behind a big plane, or stash it in the plane's belly, then let it drop and glide gently to the ground while raining hellfire on your enemy. Once it touched ground it would shed its wings, or not, because a tank with wings would make the opposing army shit its pants in pure awe.
Of course, people would have to be nuts and not just a little drunk to even consider such a vehicle for their military. Luckily there are the Russians, who fit that "drunken crazy" bill to a T. The Russians took interest in the idea because they were looking for way to cut back on their parachute budget.
They'd already trimmed the shirt budget as low as it would go.
You see, the price of silk, which is the central material in parachutes, was apparently a little steep for their miserly budgets, so they had been experimenting with dropping soldiers out of planes without parachutes, shoving them out of aircraft with nothing but a bottle of vodka and the instruction to drink until they can fly. If the Russians could drop their boys out of a plane inside a tank they'd save big, because a tank is totally cheaper than a silk sheet.
The problem here, as you almost certainly have already guessed, is that you either have a decently armored winged tank that would plummet straight to hell or a light-weight tank made of paper Mache and held together with unicorn wishes.
Wait, are we supposed to be mocking this idea? Because holy shit! Look at it!
You can find more from Cole at Fun With Cole, or friend him on Facebook.
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